I was in school up until january of this year. Then I was pulled out to be homeschooled because my nan persuaded my mum it was the best thing for me. I was depressed and had an anxiety disorder (agrophobia, more than likely). I wasn't diagnosed with either because I don't really talk about my feelings and it was pretty much a shock I told my nan, but I would hardly tell a doctor. But things immediately took an upward turn after that and I got better.
On July 20th of this year however, just a few weeks ago, my dad passed away. I'd only met him just over a year earlier and after about 8 months I realised we weren't really getting along, my great-grandmother was ill and so much stuff was piled on my shoulders including the depression and anxiety stuff that I didn't see him again after xmas this year. So more than six months ago. So really, I have no right to grieve. I made the conscious decision not to see him again and now I feel like all of that side of the family hate me, that they blame me. And I don't blame them.
I started thinking about it too much last night. And I started thinking 'it's all your fault' over and over. Then I had a panic attack. It was so intense that I thought I would pass out 'cause I'd gone so light headed.
Now I've dealt with grief before. I've lost my grandad a few years ago. I know how it should feel. But I don't feel that way this time. It's too intense for me to deal with and I feel like I'm slipping back into my depression but this time, it's a lot worse and there's no magic fix like when I left school.