Not again D:
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Not again D:

This is a discussion on Not again D: within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I was in school up until january of this year. Then I was pulled out to be homeschooled because my ...

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Old 08-10-09, 06:23 PM   #1
 
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I was in school up until january of this year. Then I was pulled out to be homeschooled because my nan persuaded my mum it was the best thing for me. I was depressed and had an anxiety disorder (agrophobia, more than likely). I wasn't diagnosed with either because I don't really talk about my feelings and it was pretty much a shock I told my nan, but I would hardly tell a doctor. But things immediately took an upward turn after that and I got better.

On July 20th of this year however, just a few weeks ago, my dad passed away. I'd only met him just over a year earlier and after about 8 months I realised we weren't really getting along, my great-grandmother was ill and so much stuff was piled on my shoulders including the depression and anxiety stuff that I didn't see him again after xmas this year. So more than six months ago. So really, I have no right to grieve. I made the conscious decision not to see him again and now I feel like all of that side of the family hate me, that they blame me. And I don't blame them.

I started thinking about it too much last night. And I started thinking 'it's all your fault' over and over. Then I had a panic attack. It was so intense that I thought I would pass out 'cause I'd gone so light headed.

Now I've dealt with grief before. I've lost my grandad a few years ago. I know how it should feel. But I don't feel that way this time. It's too intense for me to deal with and I feel like I'm slipping back into my depression but this time, it's a lot worse and there's no magic fix like when I left school.

Help...
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Old 08-10-09, 06:28 PM   #2
 
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No right to grieve???? He was your dad, whatever the state of your relationship. You have every right to grieve and you should.
As for one side of the family blaming you, the relationship wasn't working and you did the only thing you felt you could. Please don't beat yourself up about it, you made a difficult decision and had the guts to stick by it.
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Old 08-10-09, 06:32 PM   #3
 
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I don't feel like I do. I feel like I cut him out of my life and now I don't have any right to grieve for his. I got cut out of the funeral arrangements, I didn't get told anything and when they did tell me something, they rung my nan (who that side of the family don't like. My parents are divorced) and got her to tell me. Before the funeral I saw my older cousin cry. She's the most important person in the world to me. I cut her out too when I cut my dad out 'cause I figured she wouldn't want to know me. But when I saw her cry it's stuck in my head and every time I try to sleep it haunts me. I didn't even see her face. I didn't see her, but I was told she was crying and when I looked into the room they were all in a circle hugging and it was so upsetting. Then I found out someone who was my dad's friend was in there hugging them and yet I just got left on my own. It's hurting me so bad. They do blame me. Whether it's to my face or not they do and I know they do.
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Old 08-10-09, 06:57 PM   #4
 
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I'm sorry. People always like to have someone to blame huh? Sounds like your nan's on your side tho.
I wish i could be more helpful, it must've been tough to see everyone together and be left out. Is there any way you could try and contact your cousin, do you know for sure that she doesn't want to know you?
Maybe if you can't grieve for your dad, grieve for the loss of what could've been.
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