I am 18 years old, a full time student, and great at showing proper emotions towards society. I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember.
My first encounter with suicidal thoughts was in 7th grade. My mother became ill after having a gastric bypass and had multiple surgeries to correct each new issue that came up. She became addicted to pain medications and alcohol. At the age of 12 or 13, I became the parent in my house. I cooked, cleaned, and took care of everyone in my family as much as I could, and in this, I grew to be more mature than most people my own age. To be honest, most people at just about any age. I watched my mother drug herself every day and night, fall down stairs, then go into a rehabilitation facility to get her life together. To this day, it still doesn't really help.
When all of this was happening, my father, a driver for a trucking company, had a terrible accident that killed a 4 year old child. He was making a right turn and the trailer of the truck hit a parked car. Because he thought he only hit a guard rail, he drove away never expecting anything to come from it until the police came and arrested him. He was charged with involuntary manslaughter. My most prevalent memories are of having to lay in the same bed as him when I was young to make sure he didn't commit suicide during the night while my mother was away or in the hospital. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of the little girl who was killed in that accident. We think of her constantly, and pray that her family has forgiven what is really the unforgivable.
What brings me here today is that I have lost my best friend, my support system. On January 20th, my only real friend went missing from a parking lot. 5 days later, his body was found in the woods being shot multiple times by someone he considered a friend. I have completely lost who I am, and I don't know where to really start picking up the pieces. I went to a hospital after feeling very suicidal, and even that hasn't helped me. I have no one to talk to about any of this, and the people I have tried to talk to just tell me that there are more horrible things that could happen. Right now, this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I have lost friends to car accidents and illnesses, but nothing has been as bad and as heartbreaking as this. It just tears me up that no one new will be blessed by his presence ever again. It feels like my world has crashed, and there's no one to help me pick up the pieces. No one really understands how it feels to have no one, not even your family. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this pain on anyone. I just wish someone would take the time to not tell me what to do I guess.
Is there any helpful advice on how to handle this? I really have no clue where to truly begin. Any helpful information would be amazing.