it all started with when i met this girl. i was currently heartbroken by my ex girlfriend before hand but was dealing with it fairly well it hurt but i was still strong still energetic and still able to do day to day things without much of an issue. but i met this new girl as soon as we first spoke there was this spark inside me that just washed away all the pain from my ex. i was shocked to be honest but i felt good and cleansed and we talked for like 4 hours on our first conversation. never felt this way ever in my life imagine you was a kid and you had 10 christmas's all at once it was that kinda over whelming joy.
so we got to know each other, i could hardly wait until we spoke next and we began to like each other (even though i was already mad about her) and couldnt believe me luck that she was starting to like me too. now this girl... she done something im not too sure what it is but she filled me with something, i was more confident, awlways had a little smile on my face, was thinking of the future like marriage and kids but only thinking. i knew inside me that this was it. the one as they say i didnt believe it until i met her.
but then some of my relationship issues were starting to come up, i find it very hard to trust people specially someone that has the power to destroy me like she did. even though this girl was and still is the nicest person i have ever met i still felt like maybe she would meet a better looking guy or someone she might grow feelings for even though she would tell me she loved me more than enough. it was clear the the issues were mine but they would cause arguements and i would push her away even though she would fight so hard to be in my life.
she was even there when i found out my mum had passed away which of course was a huge blow to me but with her there things were twice as easy to deal with as she gave me that strength. she dropped everything for me work and college and stayed with me for 5 days but then had to leave because of course she had to go back to her work/college. she lived about 30 minutes outside of my city and neither of us could drive at the time so it was 45 minute coach rides to see each other making it kinda difficult to find time. but even though she had gone to do what she had to do i knew she would be back asap to give me some support. so one day she tells me she will be over at my house later but she was gonna see a friend first which was fine with me. but then that turned into her going for a meal i was still fine i would see her in a hour or two from then. then it was the cinema then clubbing until 3 am. i know shes allowed to do as she wants and usually that would never bother me but at the stage in my life i needed her and i felt completely let down.
for a long time i felt angry and abondoned by it we even broke up for a little while as i felt if i cant rely on her then, then when can i? un aware of what was actually bothering me we argued over the next month then i finally told her and as the nice person she is broke down in tears because she was so sorry and i believed her. but for some reason i couldnt let it go so every so often it would creep up again and i would blame her for it. because of this and the arguements she finally had enough and left even though she did fight to make it work.
this relationship lasted about a year and despite the arguements she was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me but the break up ruined me. her walking away took everything she put in me and anything good that was in me before i met her. she left and found someone else a couple months after and this was about 2 years and a half to 3 years ago. and to be honest the problem hasnt got any better the only thing that has changed is my suicidal thoughts and the tears. though im crying a little as i write this for the first time in so long. i feel so numb and brain dead im laying waste to the world i see no humour no colour and only feel emptiness pain or depression. and to be honest i kinda still wanna die but i wont hurt myself rather i wish something would take me away as a suicide would hurt my family too much. i try to soldier on but i can tell that people sense that im lost and empty by the way they interact and they way people respond to me compared to when i was truely happy.
i'm currently in counselling but its not helping at all we just talk about it but it doesnt seem to make any change what so ever.
i've seen her 3 times since we split up twice she ignored me and once she spoke to me which i still dont know why. but when i see her my heart breaks all over again specially when her boyfriend is there. i cant help but think it should be me and i do blame my self cause if i could fix my issues such a thing wouldnt have happened to me. but fact of the matter is that it has happened and i feel doomed to live my life a empty shell of someone that isnt truely here.
only conclusion i can find in myself is that "true love" does exist. i found it. abused it and lost it.
all i really want is to be happy again so i can begin living my life again. it's her birthday tomorrow and it kills me knowing shes celebrating with her loved one and the fact it aint me.
im beginning to resent the world and the people in it my mental health is at great risk of me becoming maybe evil or just something i cant imagine