My Mother's Day secret
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My Mother's Day secret

This is a discussion on My Mother's Day secret within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; At 16 years of age I was raped 3 times over the course of a summer, from which I became ...

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Old 04-16-09, 10:34 PM   #1
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At 16 years of age I was raped 3 times over the course of a summer, from which I became pregnant. I chose in accordance with my beliefs at that time to carry my pregnancy to term and give the baby up for adoption.

As my pregnancy progressed I spoke out loud to my unborn child, and told him that I would always love him. I told him I was preparing him for a mom and dad who were excitedly waiting for him, and he was a gift for them. I read to him from Proverbs and Psalms, and sang to him. I did these things partly in an effort to keep myself going straight as I testified in court about being raped, then testified in court again to have the rapist's paternal rights removed so I could give my son up for adoption.

My son was born on Mother's Day in May. I held him briefly as they severed his umbilical cord. He looked at me from where he sat on my belly and I swear he smiled. Then he was gone with his adoptive parents and I was alone in my room. I was given no time to reconcile his physical person with the decision I had so bravely made. No time to properly greet him and bid him farewell. Maybe it would not have mattered, but I've always wised I could have.

At home I was treated like I had been at fault for the situation, that my problems were the rewards for bad behavior during and after pregnancy. I must have paid for all the bad behavior in my whole life with that pregnancy and adoption, and the emotions of loss which I have endured ever since.

I go for periods without missing him. Then I see a new baby, or I hear one crying and it sets off my pain all over again. Sometimes my memories percolate up through the mysterious layers in my mind and I relive my loss again. Mother's day is a private and painful day for me; I leave society on that day.

I know that children in reality belong to themselves and to the world. I know what I did was the right thing to do. I donít want him back, just want to stop loosing him over and over and overÖ. I want to stop hurting. I want my heart to stop remembering in pain.
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Old 04-16-09, 10:50 PM   #2
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((((((strong woman))))
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Old 04-16-09, 11:32 PM   #3
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((((hottea)))) i'm sorry to hear of your pain
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Old 04-17-09, 01:53 PM   #4
 
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*hugs* I am so sorry to hear of what you had to go through.
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Old 04-17-09, 02:24 PM   #5
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Thank you for sharing your story, It means a lot to me personally. Maybe it would mean a lot to someone else as well. I hate how in adoption they put so much emphasis on the adopted parents and the children being adopted, they don't generally give a second thought to the birth mother and want her out of the way.

Now adays there are agencies(I don't know how many actually go through with it) and the sort that insist on counselling before and after and legally now you are allowed to have that moment with your child along with the waiting period after it's birth to see if you're sure you want to do this.

I know now a days doesn't change the 'then a days' or when it happened. Maybe what you need is closure. Have you ever thought about joining a support group specifically for mothers who have put their children up for adoption? It might really help to hear their perspective and how they dealt with it.
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Old 04-17-09, 03:51 PM   #6
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That's great that you gave up the baby and gave him a chance at life. (I'm Catholic and strongly against abortion). Father's day isn't usually real great for me. I have never managed to get married and have children. There is a big bicycle ride I go on every year (It is held on Father's Day). I know it is nothing compared to your pain, but sometimes it hurts when I am on that ride and see all the families (with kids) on the ride, knowing I will probably never get to have kids. I know that It doesn't help with the pain, but at least you got to be a parent for one brief moment, and your brave gift made some else very happy.
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Last edited by ubi756; 04-17-09 at 03:53 PM.
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Old 05-09-09, 02:33 PM   #7
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hottea you are such a brave woman.. my words cannot describe.. you remind me so much of my mother... she was raped too when she was 17 and although my grandma and everybody wanted her to loose the child to "keep apperances" she struggle ..by her self.. and gave birth to my older sister..i cannot picture my life without her in it..

im sure your child means the whole world to the adoptive parents..

u did the right thing..

our spirits are going to acompany you tomorrow..

(((((hugs)))))
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Old 05-09-09, 02:36 PM   #8
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(((((((((((((((((hottea))))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 05-09-09, 02:49 PM   #9
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Hottea, your story touched me. You have such an amazing love for your son. I don't know if this will help or not, but why don't you write a letter to your son every time the pain returns? Write down everything you feel, even pain and anger. You don't have to share it with anyone. ((((((hottea)))))
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Old 05-09-09, 03:34 PM   #10
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hottea)))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))
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