Hi everyone. It has been a rough day emotionally for me. I have been holding my grief and fear in all day and I wanted to come process my emotions in my TTL community.
My dog, Indigo, has what the vet calls peri-anal hepatoid adenoma or carcinoma. (he used both words). Basically, he had a tumour a year ago, it was removed, and now it's grown back - with a cluster of smaller tumours in the same region of his sturdy little body.
He had surgery today to have the tumours (plural!) removed. The vet is keeping him the hospital overnight to keep a close eye on his recovery.
I feel shell shocked right now. You know, I laff at myself. I don't know what I was thinking - that I think I'd have him for a long, long time. He's been with me for 8 1/2 years now. But I want him with me for as long as I am on this earth! Very childish thinking.
So I guess I am grieving the realization that my dog probably won't be with me for any long period of time. 8 1/2 years - gone, like that. Where did the time go?
I am easily angered too today. I guess I'm angry at how unfair it seems. I love my dog so much. He is a person with four legs and fur to me. He has a personality, adorable quirks, he loves me back by how good and affectionate he is - he's always trying to make me happy. We make each other happy.
And here are so many irritating humans who push and walk over everybody with their thoughtlessness and their self-centred greed - and yet they get to live for decades. My dog, who is so loving and kind and generous, only gets to live for ? years. A decade and a few. I'm pissed off at how unjust that is right now!
So then I started distracting myself with housework today at home. The house feels so empty without Indie here. I started thinking about those end-of-life decisions that some folks have to make - that I had to make in the summer of 2006 with my first boy, Chevy.
And a Voice (?) said something in my heart - darn, I can't remember what it said exactly now! I was thinking that one day I might have to consider euthanasia. The Voice then said something like "And you will choose to end the suffering for your beloved boy because you love him that much." And I said in my head, yeah, I will.
Then I felt comforted (?) It hit me - I still have him with me now
. I need to be grateful for that, and stop scaring myself with future possibilities.
And I am grateful. That I have Indie in my life now ... and that I would have the depth of strength to make that ultimate decision when/if the time for it comes up.
When I first noticed the lump on his body, it was - Please God, let it be impacted anal glands. Then it was - Please God, let the tumour be taken out safely. And now it is - Please God, let the rest of his life with me on earth be happy and healthy. It's like my prayers keep shrinking to the least possible positive result or outcome.
I don't know why I find comfort in that ... but I do.
Thank you for letting me rant/share.