on the 7th of july it was the anniversary of my mothers death. i didnt really feel anyrthing. i feel so little, and have so few memories of my mother. it makes me feel so shit, almost all my memories are those of herlast few days/weeks. i remember having to ring up 02 for her because she couldnt speak or hear on the phone herself. i remeber watching football games when she lay dying in the next room, because it was easier to watch than sit with her, unble to talk or hear. i remember my little sisters birthday when she had a barbecue, and reading the bible as my mother lay dying. but on the anniversary i felt nothing. it mademe hate myself. i blame so much on my mothers death, so much of my own failings and my depression. i hate when people say my mother woyld be proud of me, because i feel she wouldnt be, and it makes me angry at them.

but ive cried on previous anniverseries, and felt no better. do i want to cry for her sake? am i beoing selfish? wanting to cry for me? ewould she want me to cry?

she died on the 7th of july. i find myslef hating the people of 7/7, because they get recognision for nothing but dying on that day, whilst my mlother did the same thing and gets no special treatment.

i'm sorry for your loss, roland. how many years ago did she pass away?

We grieve differently as time passes from the time of loss. The fact that you didn't cry doesn't mean you don't care it just probably means you've shed all of the tears you can. I know the first time the anniversary of my friend's death went by and I didn't get really upset I wondered if I didn't care anymore. Its a natural part of the process to progress like that.

she died 6 years ago ish. should i feel differnetly now? why do i feel nothing most of the time then a lot on certain occasions? its usually when im drunk. am i bottling things up? inpast years i have gotten drunk, as a result of being sad. ive also gotten very emotional on christmas eve and her birthday, always drunk. do i need to be drunk to get emotional? or is it a good sign that i was just a normal sober adult this year?

i don't really know. i've heard there are certain steps usually faced during the grieving process, but i don't know much about them. u could try looking into it more, u could also try looking into the forums here specifically for lost loved ones, etc. i hope others with this kind of experience can also give u some more input.

u can try looking in this section of the forums:
Grieving

The fact that the feelings keep popping up like that means rather than properly cope with the situation you probably just became numb to it. I've lost two friends, one eight years ago and one four years ago and I honestly thought I had dealt with my emotional responses. These events, however, still come back to bite me in the ass. I've talked to doctors and counselors about it and they say depression can cause the numbness that makes us unable to truly confont the issues that deaths of loved ones can bring. Drinking alchol is just another way to numb yourself and if you continue to grieve through the bottle you will never completely get over things. I also numbed myself with all kinds of drugs. Its best to soberly confront the issues head on and don't let them consume you. It helped me to really think about what I was feeling and why. Once you process these thoughts enough they won't haunt your subconscious.