on the 7th of july it was the anniversary of my mothers death. i didnt really feel anyrthing. i feel so little, and have so few memories of my mother. it makes me feel so shit, almost all my memories are those of herlast few days/weeks. i remember having to ring up 02 for her because she couldnt speak or hear on the phone herself. i remeber watching football games when she lay dying in the next room, because it was easier to watch than sit with her, unble to talk or hear. i remember my little sisters birthday when she had a barbecue, and reading the bible as my mother lay dying. but on the anniversary i felt nothing. it mademe hate myself. i blame so much on my mothers death, so much of my own failings and my depression. i hate when people say my mother woyld be proud of me, because i feel she wouldnt be, and it makes me angry at them.
but ive cried on previous anniverseries, and felt no better. do i want to cry for her sake? am i beoing selfish? wanting to cry for me? ewould she want me to cry?
she died on the 7th of july. i find myslef hating the people of 7/7, because they get recognision for nothing but dying on that day, whilst my mlother did the same thing and gets no special treatment.