Miscarriage
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Miscarriage

This is a discussion on Miscarriage within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Hi everyone! Wow I feel like it has been forever since I've visited TTL. I guess I just feel I ...

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Old 10-19-14, 10:18 PM   #1
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Unhappy Miscarriage

Hi everyone!
Wow I feel like it has been forever since I've visited TTL. I guess I just feel I need someone to talk to and someone to listen. Lately I feel so alone. Last August I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for a few months and were ecstatic! Our parents were over the moon. This was our first pregnancy and first grandchild for my in-laws. Everything was going great besides horrible nausea and morning sickness. I was anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound which was scheduled for the beginning of Oct. I thought it a bit weird to have my first ultrasound so late but in hindsight I guess it was for the best.

On Sept 20 I awoke to some minor cramping. I went to the washroom and noticed some blood. Since my blood type is O- I was informed by my doctor that I had to go to the emergency room because if I was indeed having a miscarriage, I would need a needle to prevent my body from rejecting any further pregnancy.

So off to the hospital I went, a complete wreck. Waited for hours, which seemed like an eternity to see a doctor. He told me I would have an ultrasound done and since I was bleeding quite a bit to prepare for the worst. After doing the ultrasound, I waited for another few hours for the results. I am usually a very private person and don't like to show emotion but on this day with my parents and husband by my side I cried, and cried, and cried some more - regardless of who could see me in the waiting room.

The doctor finally called me in to share the results of the ultrasound and just as I had expected I was having a miscarriage ( I was 11 weeks along). This was an already painful blow but then to my surprise he then informed me I had lost twins!!!! Needless to say, my husband and I completely lost it. I had somewhat prepared myself for the bad news but never expected to hear that I had just lost two children. The pain was unbearable. They then immediately prepped me for a D&C.

I just remember sitting on the operating table as they hooked me up to machines and was just in such a daze. I just kept shaking and they kept bringing me warm blankets but I couldn't stop convulsing. I wasn't cold, it was just extreme sadness and shock. Everything that night seems like such a blur. I spent a total of around 10 hours in the hospital before I got to go back home feeling completely defeated and EMPTY!

I do have to say the entire staff at the hospital was great. They were all so kind and compassionate and all kept telling me that I would get through this eventually. Well it's been just over a year now and I'm still grieving the incredible loss. I don't know how to get over it. At first I felt incredible guilt as if it was my fault. Despite the doctors all telling me I did nothing wrong, I couldn't help going through each day in my head, analyzing every single thing I did, wondering should I not have ate that, picked that up, slept like that.... the list goes on and on. I know deep inside myself that I really did nothing wrong but I can't help but feel I'm responsible and that I let down my husband and most of all my in-laws. Still to this day I can't look my mother-in-law in the eyes the same way I used to without feeling incredible guilt. It doesn't help that the day we broke the news to her, her first words were "what did you do?"

Having always dealt with depression and anxiety this has really taken a toll on me. I feel like I go through the motions of life, but I am not living. I'm like an empty shell of the person I used to be. This past year has completely broken me - apart from having the miscarriage, in the same year I have also lost my dog (he was the love of my life), my husband had to be rushed to the emergency room and have surgery to remove his gallbladder, I myself had kidney stone complications which had me on antibiotics for a good part of 9-10 months, and to top it all off, my mother and grandmother were both diagnosed with cancer in a matter of a week. Let's just call this the year from hell!!!

I honestly don't know how I survived this year with my history of depression and anxiety. I guess the previous cognitive behavioural therapy I did years ago has helped me and given me tools because without it, I really don't think I would have made it. However, I am still a wreck. Especially lately. I feel like I'm falling down the dark hole again. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Just when I think things are going to get better, something else tragic happens. I just really feel alone right now. I feel like I have no one to talk to that really understands the pain I'm going through. I do tend to dwell on things, that's mainly why I have depression in the first place. But I just feel so hopeless. I would want nothing more than to me a mother but I have lingering back problems that have gotten worse and need surgery. Obviously, I don't want to get pregnant until I have my back surgery and have fully recovered. But even when that time comes, I am terrified to try again. I don't think I can mentally, physically, or emotionally go through another miscarriage.

Sorry for the extremely long post. I guess I just needed to vent and be heard. Thanks for listening!
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Old 10-20-14, 12:54 AM   #2
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Sorry about the lost of your babies.
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Old 10-20-14, 05:56 AM   #3
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i am really deeply sorry to hear about this. My deepest condolences. And i am really sorry about literally all bad stuff that have happened to you and your family this year.

Its understandable that you are so hurt by that, dont worry, that pain will probably never go away, it will shrink significantly, but it just wont go away, it will be something that you will get used to. You will feel better, and you have time to feel better. Dont rush yourself and dont wait too much for another try of giving birth. You still have chance of giving birth. I wish you best luck and i am praying for you. You will be great mother, i feel it.

Oh, and i know psychologist is a must after this thing, but just in case you havent visited one, visit him, so he can help you. You are dealing with unimaginable pain atm, stay strong, we are all there for you.

One big for you....
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Old 10-20-14, 04:27 PM   #4
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Thank you all for your kind words. I know it will take time to heal but I know I will never really get over the loss. Thanks for your words of encouragement, I really appreciate it!!!!
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Old 10-20-14, 05:08 PM   #5
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(((((((((((((basket)))))))))))))))

Stay strong, whenever you feel bad feel free to come here and post a thread, we will be there for you, always.
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Old 10-20-14, 08:09 PM   #6
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So sorry for your loss! Please have my sympathies
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Old 10-20-14, 09:51 PM   #7
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Thanks so much!
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Old 10-21-14, 08:38 AM   #8
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basketcase~I'm deeply sorry it's been a difficult year for you. Just know that we're all here for you, whenever you need us.
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Old 10-21-14, 02:06 PM   #9
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Thank you Aries!
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Old 10-28-14, 03:02 PM   #10
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Oh my dear, I am sorry for your pain and grief. I also know how loss of a child feels. It is not too uncommon for a woman to not carry the first child to term, something which I have often thought might be the body warming up to the future task of assembling and supporting the growth of a child correctly. I have never found medical information that explains to me why this is, though. Have you been able to conceive again?

Like nsdimitrije said, some losses don't vanish from our lives, they just grow less painful. The emptiness of your arms, your heart, your emotions can and will grow less and if you can have another child to fill your arms it should help soothe that feeling. Even a companion animal can help. You have certainly had a tough year and you should focus on supporting yourself now if you can. You are worth it. Supporting yourself in your inner dialogue is critical when you carry this much pain.

You are strong.

You are capable to rise above this time

You are supportive of yourself.

You are worth it!
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