Wow I feel like it has been forever since I've visited TTL. I guess I just feel I need someone to talk to and someone to listen. Lately I feel so alone. Last August I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for a few months and were ecstatic! Our parents were over the moon. This was our first pregnancy and first grandchild for my in-laws. Everything was going great besides horrible nausea and morning sickness. I was anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound which was scheduled for the beginning of Oct. I thought it a bit weird to have my first ultrasound so late but in hindsight I guess it was for the best.
On Sept 20 I awoke to some minor cramping. I went to the washroom and noticed some blood. Since my blood type is O- I was informed by my doctor that I had to go to the emergency room because if I was indeed having a miscarriage, I would need a needle to prevent my body from rejecting any further pregnancy.
So off to the hospital I went, a complete wreck. Waited for hours, which seemed like an eternity to see a doctor. He told me I would have an ultrasound done and since I was bleeding quite a bit to prepare for the worst. After doing the ultrasound, I waited for another few hours for the results. I am usually a very private person and don't like to show emotion but on this day with my parents and husband by my side I cried, and cried, and cried some more - regardless of who could see me in the waiting room.
The doctor finally called me in to share the results of the ultrasound and just as I had expected I was having a miscarriage ( I was 11 weeks along). This was an already painful blow but then to my surprise he then informed me I had lost twins!!!! Needless to say, my husband and I completely lost it. I had somewhat prepared myself for the bad news but never expected to hear that I had just lost two children. The pain was unbearable. They then immediately prepped me for a D&C.
I just remember sitting on the operating table as they hooked me up to machines and was just in such a daze. I just kept shaking and they kept bringing me warm blankets but I couldn't stop convulsing. I wasn't cold, it was just extreme sadness and shock. Everything that night seems like such a blur. I spent a total of around 10 hours in the hospital before I got to go back home feeling completely defeated and EMPTY!
I do have to say the entire staff at the hospital was great. They were all so kind and compassionate and all kept telling me that I would get through this eventually. Well it's been just over a year now and I'm still grieving the incredible loss. I don't know how to get over it. At first I felt incredible guilt as if it was my fault. Despite the doctors all telling me I did nothing wrong, I couldn't help going through each day in my head, analyzing every single thing I did, wondering should I not have ate that, picked that up, slept like that.... the list goes on and on. I know deep inside myself that I really did nothing wrong but I can't help but feel I'm responsible and that I let down my husband and most of all my in-laws. Still to this day I can't look my mother-in-law in the eyes the same way I used to without feeling incredible guilt. It doesn't help that the day we broke the news to her, her first words were "what did you do?"
Having always dealt with depression and anxiety this has really taken a toll on me. I feel like I go through the motions of life, but I am not living. I'm like an empty shell of the person I used to be. This past year has completely broken me - apart from having the miscarriage, in the same year I have also lost my dog (he was the love of my life), my husband had to be rushed to the emergency room and have surgery to remove his gallbladder, I myself had kidney stone complications which had me on antibiotics for a good part of 9-10 months, and to top it all off, my mother and grandmother were both diagnosed with cancer in a matter of a week. Let's just call this the year from hell!!!
I honestly don't know how I survived this year with my history of depression and anxiety. I guess the previous cognitive behavioural therapy I did years ago has helped me and given me tools because without it, I really don't think I would have made it. However, I am still a wreck. Especially lately. I feel like I'm falling down the dark hole again. I just feel like I can't catch a break. Just when I think things are going to get better, something else tragic happens. I just really feel alone right now. I feel like I have no one to talk to that really understands the pain I'm going through. I do tend to dwell on things, that's mainly why I have depression in the first place. But I just feel so hopeless. I would want nothing more than to me a mother but I have lingering back problems that have gotten worse and need surgery. Obviously, I don't want to get pregnant until I have my back surgery and have fully recovered. But even when that time comes, I am terrified to try again. I don't think I can mentally, physically, or emotionally go through another miscarriage.
Sorry for the extremely long post. I guess I just needed to vent and be heard. Thanks for listening!