U might not want to read this if you're grieving. I think it's offensive.
I'm very afraid that someone I love will have someone they love die. My biggest fear is that someone I love will feel HURT or SAD. I absolutely can't stand it. It hurts SO bad to see someone you love hurt. I'll do anything to see people happy. When I listen to music about people who have lost loved ones, I cry and I feel hopeless because I don't know how to take their pain away.
The worst part is that if someone close to me died, I wouldn't be sad. I'm very, very scared that someone in my family will die and I won't feel greatly distressed. First of all, I'm very scared people will think I'm a bad person. Second of all, I'm wondering what is wrong with me... I'm afraid of these thoughts ... I'm scaring myself by thinking that I won't be sad. I WANT to be sad. I want to be a good person.
The reason I'm not sad is because the only time I'm sad is when I see people SUFFERING and in PAIN . WHen someone dies, they are no longer in pain so I am not sad. But I want to be sad.
I don't understand why people feel sad when people die. I cannot understand this emotion or where it comes from. THis might be what a psychopath feels... confused and not able to empathize.
The closest thing I have to grief is when my grandmother died when I was in 5th grade. She was crying in the hospital after a stroke and that kind of broke my heart but I tried not to think about it. Then she died, and at first... I think I was shocked, then very relieved she did not have to be in pain. Then I realized she was going to HELL and that made me very, very scared and sad and hurt. Hell is SUFFERING for eternity. I remember getting a stomachache from thinking about this too much. And it was just TOO MUCH. I decided that I couldn't live with the idea that my grandmother was in HELL so i decided god didn't even exist. I decided that nothing happens after people die... You just rot in the ground. All of a sudden, I felt much better and my stomachache went away. So... at this point, my grandmother is dead and I'm not sad at all. That's the scary part though. My grandmother is the ONE adult in my entire life who I felt truly loved me
and didn't hurt me emotionally. I was very, very sensitive. She was the only one who was kind, gentle, patient and loving with me. My mom hated her. I don't know why. I was the opposite. I hate my father. When i was 6, I remember thinking, "I wish my dad would die". Then i thought, the only person who I would be sad about dying is my grandmother... Guess what? She died when I was 11 and I wasn't sad. I'm glad I don't believe in God anymore because I don't think I can handle the concept of my grandmother burning in Hell forever. For the longest time, I couldn't really think about her death because i thought the possibility of the existence of Hell was too scary. I don't have that problem anymore. I am strongly atheist. I believe in science. I don't think I could believe in god anymore if I wanted to.
Sorry to everyone who's lost someone they love.