CONTEXT - on the 25th August 2015 my best friend Ally died in a tragic car accident at the age of 29... I miss her greatly... She was the influence and inspiration to my debut album that comes out soon... shell never get to hear how i felt about her let alone wrote about her...
Im being hit with a recurring dream at the moment and it hurts. I keep seeing Ally. I see her in my dreams at night, and i keep thinking about random moments with her that have happened, but even worse for me is that i keep seeing her with me in plans that were supposed to happen in the future. I thought this whole nightmare was being dealt with step by step. But clearly its not. Im feeling the worst i can possibly be at the moment. I can easily put a front on, but the reality is that i am in pain. With all the deaths that ive had in my life, This by a mile is the hardest ive ever had to deal with.
One dream in particular isnt happening when im asleep, its when im awake and deep in thought. I can see her, on the deck of a boat in some sunny place, with her hair down just looking out to sea. Its a lovely thought right? but knowing that will never happen, even though we planned it, devastated me.
I still feel guilty about not making her birthday this year, and the fact that i said last time i saw her is that i would make it up to her for her 30th is again one of the things that i brings a tear to my eye. I made so many promises to her that I cant keep anymore. Ive tried drowning my sorrows and its not worked, ive tried picking up some sense of reality and its working to a degree. I just dont accept it. I dont know how to.
Im used to not talking to people but at least i know they are still there. They still exist. Ally doesnt and ive got nothing apart from a fucking grave left to remember her by. Memories is one thing but its not enough. I shared everything with that girl. I know how life can just pass us by and this has made realise that it goes by too quickly for some people. The luck of the draw is a load of bullshit though. I get a small amount of good luck then it gets fucked over by bad luck in a royal degree. Life just doesnt seem to be fair most of the time for me, stemming from youth to adulthood.
Sometimes, i just wanna say FUCK YOU life but I cant cause im always hoping my luck will change. Is it too much to ask for