I'd like to share my story
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I'd like to share my story

This is a discussion on I'd like to share my story within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; On August 2nd of 2011 my brother Clint was pronounced dead at the hospital. Earlier that morning he was found ...

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Old 10-06-11, 11:05 PM   #1
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On August 2nd of 2011 my brother Clint was pronounced dead at the hospital. Earlier that morning he was found in his car at a Wal-Mart parking lot with a bullet wound to the head. Never in a million years did I ever think something like this would happen; not to me, not my family. It's truly been the hardest two months of my life. Not only was he my older brother, he was also my best friend. We were very close and always spent time together. I knew he suffered from depression. I just didn't know the extent of his illness. He was always very internal with his emotions. He decided what he wanted to share and what to keep to himself. Clint was a recovering prescription drug addict. He had gotten help, went to rehab, and got back on his feet. He had to end up moving back home with my parents which I did as well in March of this year since school wasn't working out. I know he felt like he screwed up his entire life. He felt like he had backtracked a couple of years and was behind. He was going to a technical school and was at the top of the class with a 4.0. I know everyone here understands how I'm feeling completely. There are so many things I wish I could have said and done to prevent this. I knew he bought a gun a while back after his iPod got stolen to use as protection. I didn't like the idea at all, but decided not to tell my parents due to the fact an incredible amount of drama would arise and his trust in me would faultier. I regret not speaking up. I felt like all the signs were there but I ignored them. I though it was just another negative comment that he always makes. I miss him so much it hurts. It's so strange going from seeing that person all the time to not at all in a matter of a day. I have a great amount of sorrow and pain. I'm sorry that he was hurting so bad, and that he couldn't even stand to live on this Earth another minute. He left two videos for us to find. It pains me to see the complete anguish and hopelessness in his eyes, the terror in his voice, and the things he said. He told us how much he loved us but that he just couldn't do it anymore. He read his will, giving me his furniture for when I get my own place. He apologized for being such a burden and an annoyance for everyone. It hurts me that he really believed those things. I'd had some issues with extreme guilt that I'm slowly getting over. It eats me from the inside out. I felt like everything was right in front of me! I feel like I failed him as a little sister. I'd give anything to just see him one more time, hug and kiss him, and tell him how much I love him. But even then it wouldn't be enough. I feel so much anger, not as much as before, but it still lingers. Suicide is the most selfish act a human being can do. Why would you want to hurt yourself? Why would you leave us like this? Why would you just give up and dump your problems on everyone? How dare you! I could just scream at him. I hope things get better. It's going to be a long journey. I reach out my hand to all of you hurting right now I'm here to listen and talk we are all going through the same thing. We have all lost a loved one to suicide and depression. Stay strong. -Morgan
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Old 10-07-11, 02:09 AM   #2
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When someone wants to commit suicide I dont think anyone can actually stop them.
You cant beat yourself up because you didnt tell your parents about the gun.
I am not a professional but I am a person who suffers deep depression and when I become suicidal I actively make myself go and do something or see someone.
I hope that I will always be able to get past that split second when I am sure I am going to kill myself.
I am truly sorry your brother suffered within himself and that it caused him to take his life. Time will ease your pain but we always miss ones we love.

Thank you for sharing your heart
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Old 10-07-11, 12:10 PM   #3
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It brings tears to my eyes to see how you were hurt from your brother's death, I feel choked as I write this, because I sometimes have black thoughts and I would never want anyone going through something like that because of me.
I never knew your brother but what I can say is that sometimes your brain is kind of blocked when you're lost inside yourself and you can't see what other people see, you might even think you're doing others a favor.

I know from experience that if you don't want anyone to know how you feel, they won't, even if they're around you all the time. From your words, it's clear that you two were very close and he probably didn't say anything because he didn't want to worry you, so you shouldn't feel guilty, you couldn't know.

For what it's worth please feel better
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