I wanted to die
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Life's Other Challenges > Grieving


I wanted to die

This is a discussion on I wanted to die within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I thought I'd share my story with you, I wrote this two years ago: I have anxiety. Panick attacks, fear ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-03-10, 08:34 AM   #1
Member
 
Vimsen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norway
Posts: 376
Default I wanted to die

I thought I'd share my story with you, I wrote this two years ago:


I have anxiety. Panick attacks, fear of people, crowds, anxiety attacks, you name it... I can barely leave the house sometimes.

Going back in time a little bit... I never had any friends growing up, only my family. School was a nightmare. The first 7 school years was doable as it was a tiny school with only 10 students, but the last 2 years of primary school we got sent to a bigger school. 6 month left of the last year I could not take it anymore and I stopped showing up at school. Mom tried her best, but was not able to even get me out of bed. She did not notify the school of me not coming anymore, and no one reported me missing. No one. Not the teachers, not anyone.

I turned 16, and was at a school... don't know what it's called in English, but I was there a year. And for the first time in my life, someone wanted to know me... ME! She was in the same class as me, we was the only two girls in computer class. At first I wanted nothing to do with her, it was a new school and everything was new and exiting, and even though she tried and tried to befriend me, I turned her down, over and over. But as the months went by, and things were not new and exciting anymore, and I even wanted to quit the school.... I withdrew back to the shadows, and she was there, waiting for me. I did not quit the school, thanks to her, and we remained best friends for years to come.

It amazes me how she did not give up on getting to know me. We had similar childhood experiences, she had no friends either. Well she did used to hang out with the other kids in her neighborhood, but suddenly, as one of them turned 10 years old, the little group of kids would show up at her doorstep and just tell her loud and clear "We want nothing more to do with you!" (Her mom told me this story, and I remember her crying). Kids can be so cruel sometimes.

She lives 4 hours away from me (by car, 5-6 by bus), so we did not meet often. Everyone was amazed at our friendship, because we were as different as two people can be.

Then suddenly, almost 4 years ago now, she was called in to the doctor who had some bad news for her... cancer... She was told to go home and await a phone call from the hospital. She was also told by the doctor that there was nothing to worry about, everything would be ok with surgery. She spent that Christmas with her family, and mid January the hospital called, wanted to see her as soon as possible.

She went to the hospital, did some tests and was told there was going to be a surgery. Then, January 25th, on her 27th birthday, she was in surgery for 10 hours. I called her the next day to congratulate her on her birthday and to ask how the surgery went, but only to find her in shock, unable to talk. She told me "they was wrong, the cancer is of the bad kind." And this she had found out on her 27th birthday.

What angers me still is how the doctor at home could tell her everything would be fine with surgery, they should at least have told her they could not know anything for sure until they had gone in to see what kind of cancer she had, so that she could prepare herself of possible bad news. But they did not do that, so imagine the shock this was for her, after 10 hours of surgery.

She had several surgeries, a lot of treatment, but this was a very feisty type of cancer, and it just got worse no matter what. I remember talking to her on the phone once, and she told me "I wonder what I'm going to do with all my stuff when I die, and who's going to get all my money?" Man, that is not an easy conversation to have with anyone.
One night I had a bad dream, and woke up with a horrible feeling inside. I tried for hours to call her, but no answer, and the nurses was not allowed to tell me anything as I was not a blood relative. I managed to get in contact with her mom who told me she had collapsed that night and had been moved to intensive care.

She was beyond help at this point. No one was able to get in contact with her anymore. I asked her mother if she was aware of her surroundings and her mom told me that they could tell she was more relaxed when they closed the curtains in her room, and she would jump a little if the phone rang, but other than that she was gone. I asked her mom if she could call me so I could talk to her, even if she was not able to talk back to me.

Her mom kept her promise, and called me on a Wednesday (3 days after she collapsed). I spoke to her for about five minutes, she told me "yes" twice and "good bye". After that conversation she left completely, no one was able to get in contact with her at all after that. And she died two days later.

Her mom told me this on the funeral: When she had told her she was going to call me, she had been lighting up, just all of her, by the mention of my name, and when her mom got me on the phone, she was eager, wanting to hold the phone herself.

It's a good, yet strange feeling. I believe I gave her peace. I believe, when she collapsed, she still did her best to hold on to life, because she wanted to say good bye to me, and since I took that step and spoke to her, I gave her peace, as we got to say good bye. Her parents were there by her side, but I was here, 12 hour bus ride away, and I'm the last person to have ever spoken to her. It's a weird, but good feeling.
She knew, and accepted, she was going to die, before any of us. She was so strong, and so brave. She died July 29th 2005.

I went to her funeral, and everyone knew who I was, as she was living at a small place. Everyone at her funeral was either people from her workplace, her family, people in her neighborhood, and me... people would come up to me and say "so you were her friend". We only had each other (outside the family). Her family looked at me as part of the family. They even included me in the speech the priest held in the church. He said "She went to school, where she formed a friendship that lasted for the rest of her life."
I am crying as I write this, it brings back a lot of memories. A lot of feelings. I have even forgotten why I started writing this.

It took me a year before the real reaction came. And I broke down. I tried so hard to deal with it, I tried getting in contact with others who had also lost a loved one, but I felt rejected no matter what I tried. I felt alone in all this. I was alone. Her parents dealt with it very different for me (since we all react differently) so I was not able to share this with them as much as I wanted.

Finally I could not deal anymore with dealing, and I broke down. It felt like my brain, my body, every little inch of me just shut down. I became part catatonic. I would listen to my mom and my shrink, but no one else was able to get in contact with me. It took me a year to get somewhat back on my feet. I was afraid to leave the house, because as long as I stay at home, she is around me, she is alive, but as soon as I leave the house, everything reminds me of how things really are, and that's a reality I don't want to know.

I remember it was my birthday, and I was turning 29, which was to me completely unreal, I was not a day older than 28?? The reason for that feeling is that I lost a year of my life. I had a major meltdown, and I remember it felt like I was outside myself, just watching this other person "living my life" and I was unable to interfere.

I had to learn a lot of things all over again when I slowly started getting back on my feet. Even the feeling of being happy was unknown to me, I did not know how to feel joy inside, I had lost and forgotten how to. That and so many other small things we take for granted.

She completed me. Qualities she had that I was lacking, made me whole.
And losing her was like being split down the middle, half of me was gone.

Since then, I am now more anxious then I used to be, I stay away from people and am not even willing to give anyone a chance to get to know me, I am terrified and don't want to ever loose anyone ever again. So I stay at home, away from people, in my own little nest where I feel safe. I do not want to know a reality without her.

Last edited by Ella; 10-08-10 at 12:03 PM.
Vimsen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-10, 06:21 PM   #2
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Heaven and Hell
Posts: 30
My Mood:
Default

I am very sorry for your loss. It hurts very much to lose a childhood friend who you have a lot of history with. I know you must think about your friend every day, and someone like that could never be replaced. But you can have good relationships with other friends, and it could be just as special, but in different ways. Please know that you are lovable, and if given the chance, many people could love you similar to the way she did. With big hearts and open minds.
__________________
"As of now I bet you've got me wrong. So unsure, we reach for something strong" -Alice In Chains
Golden Lyrics is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-10, 05:28 AM   #3
Member
 
Vimsen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norway
Posts: 376
Default

Hi Golden, thank you for your kind words. She was not my childhood friends, we met when we were 16. In this day an age, it is not easy finding new friends, as everyone is too busy with their own lives. When I had her, I did not care about finding other friends, because I had her and everything was great. Of course, now I live to regret that. I also live with anxiety, which makes it even harder to make new friends. So the loneliness is hard to bear at times.
__________________


Don't drink to drown your sorrows. Sorrows knows how to swim.

----------

Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the rain



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Vimsen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-10, 10:33 AM   #4
Member
 
3THIRD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 714
My Mood:
Default

Thank you for sharing your experience.

My friend didn't want to die. She fought dying with everything she had. Our last words were about how she was not going to die and she feared she might. None of us were ready for her to die, not her husband, kids, family or friends.

I've had to break off some friendships we had together b/c I haven't been able to move on. It's just easier for me to stay away than be judged.

I will never forget when she came home, a week before she passed, she had an odor that I've come to know as death. She told everyone God had a miracle for her and she really believed God was going to let her live.

God had other plans.

3t
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


"May it be"
3THIRD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-10, 11:13 AM   #5
Member
 
Vimsen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norway
Posts: 376
Default

Hi 3T. My friend did not want to die either, her life was just starting. She had finally gotten her dream job and everything was just finally coming together for her when this happened. She fought long and hard and wanted to live, but the cancer was a feisty kind and in the end there was nothing they could do for her. At this point, she did not see the point in fighting it anymore, and accepted it instead. But she did not want to die.

I still have contact with her parents, we talk maybe once a year and exchange christmas presents, which I am really happy about as it is as having a piece of her at christmas. Of course, it might also be a bad thing since it might prevent me from moving on.

Why would your friends judge you? Can't they understand that you need more time to deal? We all react differently. Do you mind me asking how old she was when she died?

I do not believe in God but there is a song by Jo Dee Messina called "Heaven Was Needing A Hero" , it's one of a few songs I like to listen to, to remember her:

YouTube - Jo Dee Messina - If Heaven Was Needing A Hero
__________________


Don't drink to drown your sorrows. Sorrows knows how to swim.

----------

Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the rain



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Vimsen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-10, 03:56 PM   #6
Member
 
3THIRD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 714
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vimsen View Post
Hi 3T. My friend did not want to die either, her life was just starting. She had finally gotten her dream job and everything was just finally coming together for her when this happened. She fought long and hard and wanted to live, but the cancer was a feisty kind and in the end there was nothing they could do for her. At this point, she did not see the point in fighting it anymore, and accepted it instead. But she did not want to die.

I still have contact with her parents, we talk maybe once a year and exchange christmas presents, which I am really happy about as it is as having a piece of her at christmas. Of course, it might also be a bad thing since it might prevent me from moving on.

Why would your friends judge you? Can't they understand that you need more time to deal? We all react differently. Do you mind me asking how old she was when she died?

I do not believe in God but there is a song by Jo Dee Messina called "Heaven Was Needing A Hero" , it's one of a few songs I like to listen to, to remember her:

YouTube - Jo Dee Messina - If Heaven Was Needing A Hero
My friend was 45 when she passed.

At her funeral Mass, I had just gotten out of my truck when someone yelled out her name, saying that "she was finally here," they meant the body. I got so mad, I cried and yelled at people. I had to read at the Mass, so this was not a good thing. At the funeral home, people kept saying about how good she looked and the one gal who actually helped prepare the body got mad at me and asked me why I couldn't say anthing about how nice she looked. I told her "because this is not her!" We argued and I know I hurt her feelings. She put make up on her, my friend never wore make up. I tried to apologize a month later for being so ugly, apology was not well received. One gal still talks to me, but our relationship is very different now.

I still talk to her husband. I can tell him how I still feel her. He understands, he misses her terribly. I don't see her kids, they have moved away.

I don't mind your questions. Just getting this out is helping me.

Gratefully,
3t
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


"May it be"
3THIRD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-10, 04:45 PM   #7
Member
 
3THIRD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 714
My Mood:
Default

I listened to this song...

I think I will share this song with some folks I spoke to you about in my previous post.

thank you.

tears,

3t
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


"May it be"
3THIRD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-10, 03:17 AM   #8
Member
 
Vimsen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norway
Posts: 376
Default

Yes, writing is a good way of getting stuff out. Problem sometimes can be getting started. As for your reactions at your funeral... you had just lost someone very dear to you, and when grieving, we don't always think straight. So for them to treat you so very differently now...

I am glad for you that you still have contact with her husband. It is good to have someone to talk to who also had a close connection with her. I've been alone in my grieving. Sure, I've had my parents to talk to and all that, but it's ot the same. And I've never been able to talk to her parents about how I feel. So I've been alone, which made it even more difficult.

Had you and your friends known each other long? How long did she live after she got diagnosed with cancer?
__________________


Don't drink to drown your sorrows. Sorrows knows how to swim.

----------

Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the rain



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Vimsen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-10, 04:46 AM   #9
Member
 
3THIRD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 714
My Mood:
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vimsen View Post
Yes, writing is a good way of getting stuff out. Problem sometimes can be getting started. As for your reactions at your funeral... you had just lost someone very dear to you, and when grieving, we don't always think straight. So for them to treat you so very differently now...

I am glad for you that you still have contact with her husband. It is good to have someone to talk to who also had a close connection with her. I've been alone in my grieving. Sure, I've had my parents to talk to and all that, but it's ot the same. And I've never been able to talk to her parents about how I feel. So I've been alone, which made it even more difficult.

Had you and your friends known each other long? How long did she live after she got diagnosed with cancer?
We were a tight group for about 12 years before our friend passed. Our friend was one of the people who just loved everyone and she could talk, boy she could tell a story! Just standing there, you were part of her family and whatever was going on at the time. She never turned anyone away, regardless of the time of day or what she had going on. If you showed up, you were part of whatever was going on.

She accepted me without any hesitation.

God I miss her!

Your next question has also caused me issues with others. Some say that our friend knew something was wrong before she was diagnosed and didn't go to the doctor. She died about a month after she was diagnosed. The cancer spread aggressively to her major organs.

When they say that "she knew something was wrong" it's like they are saying she caused this and I cannot help at say something back.

What does that mean anyway!!!!!!!!!!! Like she could have stopped the cancer???????

It's like they dirty her memory!

I don't understand.

I can just hear her telling me know, "now now, we are not in Oz anymore Dorothy." (my name is not Dorothy--but she'd call me that--LOL!) She'd tell me this when I didn't want to hear what people said if there was a possibility of truth.

I don't talk about this with her husband. I see no need for it. She's gone from this life.

3t
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


"May it be"
3THIRD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-10, 05:11 AM   #10
Member
 
Vimsen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norway
Posts: 376
Default

Just so I don't forget, another song is Josh Groban with "To where you are":

YouTube - to where you are-josh groban with lyrics",

Your friend sounds like a wonderful person, and it is good that you keep holding on to the good memories.

About some people saying your friend knew something was wrong... she may have felt that something was not right, but it might never have occured to her that it was anything serious.

It is way wrong to think she somehow caused this, because she did not cause cancer on herself, and cancer is a nasty thing which often can't be cured. I've lost a few people in my life to cancer. But maybe they ment it in the way that she felt something was wrong, only she didn't get it checked out. I hope I am wording myself correctly.

She may be gone from this life, but her spirit might still be around, watching you. I do not believe in God, but I know for a fact that there is more between heaven and earth then what meets the eye. So your friend might still be keeping an eye on you.

They would want us to be happy. They would want us to move on with our lives. But, like you, I feel like I am stuck kinda, unable to fully move on, part of me is still in denial. But how do we find out how to get "un-stuck", how do we find out the best way to process everything so that we can move on with our lives? One problem for me is that I don't want to move on with my life if she is not in it. Sigh...
__________________


Don't drink to drown your sorrows. Sorrows knows how to swim.

----------

Jo Dee Messina - Bring on the rain



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Vimsen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:09 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2