How long does it take?
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How long does it take?

This is a discussion on How long does it take? within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Ive lost so many people on my life, friends and family. And it is hard. It isnt something that Ive ...

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Old 08-21-12, 03:30 PM   #1
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Default How long does it take?

Ive lost so many people on my life, friends and family. And it is hard. It isnt something that Ive been able to get over. Can you really get over things like that? Its more like-the pain comes and goes.
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Old 08-21-12, 04:03 PM   #2
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Your statement is accurate in my experience, it comes and goes. Over time and as you reconcile yourself with their loss to you, it hurts less and much of the time will not hurt at all. I still have periods of pain as my emotions and memories revisit these losses or are triggered by outside events to visit them even after nearly 20 years since the loss. If you are suffering a lot at this time, rest assured that the pain does grow less over time but it can take a while. I have a friend who is still grieving deeply after he lost his only daughter in a fatal car accident this past Christmas. He told me in July that a lady who also lost a teenage child contacted him and told him it took her 2 years to get through the initial stages of grief. He is still spending a lot of his time up in the graveyard mourning in between running his business and sleeping. My friend's son has gone to live full time with his mother, so the loss has clearly been very overwhelming for my friend. It takes everyone their own time to overcome grief. For some that is longer then others. For many people I don't think the grief ever wholly leaves it just grows tolerable and you get back to functioning like society expects is normal. It took me 6 or 7 years to get to where I don't feel it so much.
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Old 08-21-12, 04:41 PM   #3
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Grief is so unpredictable. I hate it. I wish I could feel it, go through it, and be done. But I haven't seen it work that way. I think our brains can't process loss like that - it's very difficult to grasp, believe, process, understand, accept, remember but still forget enough to be able to function, - there's so much that goes on. I think it comes and goes because if we felt it all at once, we couldn't handle it. I don't think our brains could do it. It needs to break it down. I also think you're right that we don't completely get over these things. Maybe we learn how to live with them, and it gets easier to do that over time.
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Old 08-22-12, 02:54 AM   #4
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I guess it is a hard thing to accept. Death and the pain afterwards. It's hard to cope with. And time can take so long. It doesn't feel like it'll ever get better. Sometimes I don't think it will.
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Old 08-22-12, 08:52 PM   #5
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I know XXC . I'm sorry, I know it's really hard

After my mom died, I had such a hard time with it. I bought a book that was a workbook to help me work through the grief. I cried a lot going through the book, which was really a good thing and a healing thing. Maybe a book might help you process things and deal with some things in a way? Maybe not. But you could check out some books online and see if anything looks helpful. It helped me to have a tool like that to kinda guide me through it.
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Old 08-23-12, 03:37 AM   #6
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I have a book an old friend gave to me at some point. And it has helped me out some. But I guess we all have out tough days
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Old 09-30-12, 11:25 AM   #7
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Of course it's hard; your loved ones cannot be replaced. It's even in the back of your mind when you are thinking about or doing other things. When you do something, think of your loved ones and say "I'm doing this for you." Then moving on isn't the more painful option any more... and I might get shit for saying this to you but you'll see them again.


If you miss them, talk about it with us or others... then you'll have company which you missed, and be able to talk about and think about your loved ones and feel they aren't so far away.
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Old 09-30-12, 02:24 PM   #8
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I don't believe in "after life" or god. So I know I will never see them again.

And doing things for someone that is dead doesn't make much sense in my mind.

Talking about it makes me miss them more. And I'm really only comfortable to talking about it with close friends. This isn't something that just talking about and convincing myself of lies can make easier.
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Old 09-30-12, 07:26 PM   #9
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Found the ideas below here Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement There's a lot of info in this link - don't want to overwhelm you but maybe it has one or two things that might help.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way.....

Write about your loss in a journal.

If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say.

Make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life.

Get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
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Old 09-30-12, 07:40 PM   #10
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I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't know how to deal with the loss of anyone. In my honest opinion, if you care about someone and they die, I don't think anyone can ever really just get over the loss. I don't see how it's possible to get over it if you care about them. I do think in time, it gets 'easier'. I don't like using that word because it's never easy, but it's just easier. Your brain doesn't want to be upset and when the person's gone, you just naturally adapt because you don't see them as much. I guess you can kind of compare it to your child going to school. A lot of kids cry or get upset because they aren't used to being away from home and at school all day. They don't see the people who comfort them as much...but they adapt and don't become so upset after a while.

I think it's best to fill your life with new experiences. Never forget the ones you've had that you want to hold on to, but allow more people and experiences to come into your life to keep you from grieving all the time. It's not healthy to avoid grieving, but it's also not healthy to grieve too much. And it must be so hard to keep moving, but I know you can.
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