How long does it take
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How long does it take

This is a discussion on How long does it take within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; My wife was killed by a drunk driver about a year and a half ago. We had such a nice ...

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Old 03-25-10, 06:40 PM   #1
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Default How long does it take

My wife was killed by a drunk driver about a year and a half ago.
We had such a nice life and really got each other. I have been to therapy, still go to a group, read books and many other things to try to move along.
I just do not want to do anything. Work is fun when I am doing it but getting going is tough. My friends think I am ok because I can't keep telling them the same thing over and over so I stopped. When I am alone I just feel like
I will never feel really good again. I find it very hard to do anything but I force myself. I used to be a hyper overachiever running marathons, ironman
etc. Oh yea I take a SSRI but it does not seem to do much.

reading in this forum has at least shown me I am not alone.

Will I ever feel really good again.
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Old 03-25-10, 07:02 PM   #2
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my closest friend and boyfriend passed away in june of 08, i still can barely even think of him without starting to cry...

he was my inspiration, a teacher, a spark of brilliance of what seems to be just a dull, dark era that we live in, he was what made me see instead of just look, listen instead of just hear, feel instead of touch...

i see and experience things differently now because of him... he was a full symphony in a world of soloists...

he taught me how to paint...

and then he left me.

but he also taught me of the universe, and divine timing, everything does have a reason, only people just don't care to see it.

he's out of my life because, now i need to do it on my own.

he walked me through my depression and really was just a faint candle in the dark, and now i see the world is full of light.

but i'm not even gonna front, i did not get here sober, and i don't intend on being sober... i smoke like a chimney, and trip like a little kid learning how to walk.

but i feel like you really can't appreciate your reality until you see it fall apart and burst into flames and implode and completely disappear, leaving nothing but these vague broadcasts of information, but like radio waves trying to transmit into a tv, they just don't work, and everything around turns into nothing near you, and you are longer who you think you are and you're left exposed to those things that perception and reality shield you from.

so... uh, that's kinda acid. and that's a good trip. it's like you're reborn, i'm not saying do it, it's a brain fryer, it's terrible, no.
maybe shrooms, though...they're ok for a one time thing, and in all honesty after i did them, my whole world was put into perspective.

but many people don't need drugs, books are good, i feel like if you fall deep enough into philosophy your life seems to put itself into order once you allow it to seep in and tear at your perception, and let it, beauty is so hard to see when you hide your own behind a mask...

i'm just a tripped out hippie though, i mean, you can write off everything i say, and i won't be offended, but if your reality is working out for you, maybe it's time to create a new one.

which is completely within your power to do.
"I shambled after as usual as I have been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing.. but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."
~ Jack Kerouac

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Old 04-03-10, 08:48 PM   #3
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I can only imagine the pain you've been through, my mother passed away just after new year and tonight I've been in pieces, I don't know why. I never showed much emotion when she passed away, but lately I've been cracking up at the slight mention of her.

Why can life be so cruel sometimes?
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Old 04-09-10, 03:50 AM   #4
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My sympathy gos to all of you.

As for why is life cruel, i dearly wish i knew for i too have lost members of my family my son the latest,2 years ago.
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Old 08-15-10, 07:15 PM   #5
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Losing someone isn't easy especiallywhen everyone remembers that person when they see you. four years ago my father died between my hands from a heart attack. and at that time i didn't feel a thing. and a few months ago i started to isolating myself from the world because everytime someone mantions my father or whenever i look at the mirror i start to cryi kept living alone away from the people and from the mirrors untill one day i reached my limits and thought about killing myself. and when i was about to do it i recived a message from a dear friend of mine

that person said "it is really okay with me if someone reminds me

of something whatever it is good or bad... i wasn't sad or mad, actually i was happy... 'cause

u remineded me of something i LOVED and worked hard and honestly to do...

every good memory may lead into a bad one... there is no escape... please don't say negative things about yourself... if i am a good friend as u said... u r an honest & kind person to me...people around me who i know well don't usually apologize or bother to think about me!

loneliness won't solve a thing! it is so painful to be alone & speak to no one...

please don't think that way... i really feel bad in the heart when someone says "sorry" for me... i even don't like to say that word to someone... it is really the hardest word.

i thank you for ur feelings... and i want you to try to be a cheerful person all the time...

that's all i can write and say for u... hope my words can reach ur heart... understand"

we cannot hide forever one day or another we must stand on our feet and move on and also we have to do what the people we lost tought us even if they were the ones whom are preventing us from moving forward. we must face them. because the real deal is the one that exists in my heart!
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Old 08-20-10, 11:20 PM   #6
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I don't think you can get rid of true grief. You just encorporate it into the person you are now and try to move into the now and future. I don't know the key but life and death is all about change and having to deal with it.
Acceptence? Man, I don't even know. In the face of life dealing so much bad stuff there are still great things happening. maybe the key is to identify those things and focus on them.
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Old 10-02-10, 04:22 PM   #7
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The pain never really goes away, but it gets less with time, and easier. You find ways to get trough every day, and part of that is remembering the good times you had together. It is important to hold on to the good memories. Even though we will always miss our loved one, we find ways to move on with our own lives, even though it is hard at times. And it is important to remember that our loved one would not want us to be sad, they would want us to move on with our lives and be happy. I've lost quite a few people over the years, the hardest of them was loosing my best friend trough 10 years to cancer five years ago. to you.
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Old 10-15-10, 06:50 AM   #8
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So sorry to hear of your lost Music.

I really have no advice to give you as I never went through anything like that. But I just wanted to say that you have come to a very helpful, supportive little family here and we are all here for you if you ever need to talk.


Last edited by Cushi; 11-24-10 at 09:19 PM.
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Old 10-31-10, 05:39 AM   #9
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Default no time limit

hey music

I lost my dad this year to cancer....I nursed him until the night he died.....I washed and dressed him, prepared him for the funeral directors, when they come I went to absolute pieces...I would not anyone near him or me for about an hour and then they had to lock me away in the kitchen while they took him away......I also have psychologically lost my mother to Alzheimers......

There is no time limit on grief and dont let anyone tell you there daughter keeps telling me it is time to stop grieving and move on....this advice is detrimental to me moving on......This is the first loss of someone very close to me and the pain is indescribable....and yes people get a little sick of it......and I internalise it too.....but I find the people who understand and man, it makes it fell good......

I hope for and I do for myself, the pain of loss will turn into remembering the good times and laugh again......

Sympathy to you.....

"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who donít want it badly enough."
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Old 11-18-13, 12:19 PM   #10
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It has been a long time since I wrote this original post. Time does dull the pain and you find a different normal. When I am with my good friends I feel just like the old days. I took my friends kids to the movies yesterday (they are 12 & 14) and we always have a blast.

Alone time is still the hardest but nothing like it was. I would love to meet somebody but that is a whole other discussion.

I am writing again and one of my songs will be in an upcoming independent film due out in spring
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