Since 2005, I've lost several people who were my little support team. They were all full of life, wanting to live, and they had their lives taken from them by a variety of means. I've always been depression prone, but since this period of time, it's worsened. This year has been horrible alone, there's not been much of a reprieve between episodes. I'm passed the point of the s-word of which we will not speak, but the going through the motions and putting on a happy front just to muddle through is something I just don't care to continue doing. Life seems pointless. You struggle to get ahead, you struggle through trying to build some sort of life, facing countless hurdles, only to lose the people you need most.
When you lose people, people you love, people who supported you (especially when most people just walk away from you without a care), how do you get past it? They wanted to keep living, me - I don't care from one day to the next anymore. I try, I try to look to the future, make plans...but it all seems so...pointless.
I feel like why should I have the opportunity to continue, when they don't? I feel like how can I be happy when I've lost them? I feel like what's the point of life, when it can just be taken from you without a second thought, especially when that life has been full of suffering? Are we living just to die?
I feel sad, guilty, lost...The Christmas Carols at work are really getting to me too. My friends walk away from me, my family is mostly gone or too self absorbed to care, my precious kitty cat is sick a lot...I can count on the people left who care on one hand. Most times, on one finger.
Some how, my question about getting past the grief meandered into a whine about the crappiness of life. Sorry about that. But it helped to get it off my chest.
to everyone whose lost someone they loved and the hope for a less bitter more sweet season and a better new year.