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Grief Counselling

This is a discussion on Grief Counselling within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I saw my doctor today and asked for a referral to a psychologist. fortunately I'm entitled to 12 visits under ...

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Old 05-22-09, 02:45 PM   #1
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I saw my doctor today and asked for a referral to a psychologist. fortunately I'm entitled to 12 visits under medicare so I figured I would talk about grief and loss. I don't know why, but each time I think about last Friday when my Dad died, I actually feel shine and feel happy. It really was a good experience. But you know my body is being gripped by this uncontrollable crying at the most inconvenient times and I know its about loss from the time he left me when I was a little girl. It's like all those years and I never cried about it. I just got hurt, then angry - sorted through anger and finally made decisions not to pursue his love.

He used to phone me and I would say 'I'm really glad to hear from you Dad, you know you're welcome here anytime.' He would just reply 'Well I would but you know what Val is like.' He knew we grew up not liking his wife and later, he used her as a crutch because he couldn't admit that he had been a poor father so behind her back he villanized her even further. He discouraged me from coming to his home for the same reason. When I write it, I see it for what it is. I just want to deal with the stuff. I got anger about my stepmother taking advantage of my Dad not having any balls and working the situation in her favour. She was an adult. Now she has loss. good. she deserves to know pain in great quantity. Death of loved ones should know her on a regular basis as far as I am concerned. That is how I feel right now.

The man who caused me pain is gone. Good.
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Old 05-22-09, 03:00 PM   #2
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I am so sorry for what you are going through right now,..I can understand the anger,...grief takes many forms,..and you will get through this,..
My father also just died,.after leaving the family with another woman after my Mom died,..He moved clear across the country with her,.and we didn't speak for 30 years,..his new wife didn't like his childrern,...I tried calling him on many occasions,..to no avail,..
It's a tough situation for you,...and now that he is gone,..you can't get that time back,..and I find that is what we grieve for the most,....
I hope you will be able to sort this out with the new Psychologist,..I'm sure you will be able to,....
I wish you luck,..my heart goes out to you,....

Jupes
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Old 05-22-09, 03:14 PM   #3
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Thanks Jupes, you understand I'm sure. He made some pretty rat-arsed decisions. I just want to cry about the pain it caused me and know (I do know really) how it shaped my life. I guess I just need the space to feel it all.

((((hugs))))
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Old 05-22-09, 03:28 PM   #4
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I understand completely,.and you need to get your feelings out,..they are valid,..they will help you start to heal,..The best thing is to talk about it,..for sure,..
I know family dynamics have a hugh part in shaping our lives,..and it hurts when a parent does things that are just not right,..or at least,..not what we would expect them to do,..
We are taught to love and respect our parents,..but when they shatter our expectations of them,...it hurts,...and when it goes on for so long,..and then a parent dies,..there is no closure,.and that is the worst part about it,..

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Old 05-22-09, 03:31 PM   #5
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yep. perhaps I just need a nintendo wii sports. so I can go a few rounds in the ring with him!!!
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Old 05-22-09, 03:40 PM   #6
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Aww,..I'm sorry,..wish there was something I could do to help you feel better,...
Sometimes words aren't even enough,...Just know that I am thinking of you,...and I care,....*hugs*

Jupes
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Old 05-23-09, 04:32 PM   #7
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Things are falling apart now and even though I said and wrote to myself 'put your trust in God' I keep spilling and leaking everywhere. I've spent two days going from my bed to the kitchen to the office. I wrote a letter to my brother and got out some pain but I don't know his address to send it. I wanted him to read it but then my other brother dropped his wife and kids off lastnight while he went to the pub (surprise) I unravelled once she told me what a strong person I was and that she was under the impression I liked to be that sort of person. Strong and in control. They all say that. Us sole mothers get that wonderful label. That's how society washes us away and discounts us. They actually make out that our attributes helped us choose this way of life and not the other way round.

I cracked up then. I told her that all the men in my family were copouts and I just didn't have the strength. Fortunately my brother came back and tentatively told me that he knew it was tough and he understood fully but we would just have to soldier on.

I rose from the table and said well I don't have a strong loving partner to carry me through life like you do so I'll just keep trying to resolve the problem of my homeless daughter. I'll just keep being the sole breadwinner and worry about all the bills and I'll just keep running this house and just keep doing everything like I have always done - alone. Then I walked into my room and got into bed and left them in the kitchen. They asked me if I wanted some privacy and they all left. Brian said I should talk to my friends or something, before beating his hasty retreat to the sanctuary of his own family.

I don't know what to say. I carried him the entire time he was here.

I'm tired and I actually want to kill myself today. I've never felt this way.
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Old 05-24-09, 01:22 PM   #8
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I am so sorry for what you are going through,..I know it's so hard to have people all around you,.but still feel so alone,..
I am also sorry I haven't responded until now,.I wasn't around yesterday to see your post,..although apparently I was still signed in,..
Please don't hurt yourself,..I know depression causes us to feel like we are at the end of our rope,..but ,.things will get better,..
I do believe you are a strong person that needs the help of others right now,..no one can be strong all the time,..it's just not possible,
When will you see the psychologist? It's important for you to talk with someone soon,..Suicide is NOT the answer,..I found that out the hard way,..I made a serious attempt when I was at the lowest point in my life,.and it was the biggest mistake of my life,.I ended up on life support,..and caused myself some brain damage,..Please don't go that route,..I am so fortunate I survived,..although I was in so much pain at the time,..I made it through,..and now,..I have learned how to deal with what life has to throw at me,..it took a while,..but I did it,...and so can you,...Please give it time,...don't give up!! There is always another way out of our misery,..I know there is,..cause I have been there,......

Jupes
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Old 06-16-09, 03:59 PM   #9
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I rewrote the letter to my brother - the original is in my member journal. Tell me what you think.




Dear Graham

I have been thinking about this letter for a little while and now it is the middle of the night and I am suffering from insomnia so I thought this might be the best time to write.

I wrote a letter to you weeks earlier but I knew I would never post it and I am glad I didn’t because I was very hurt at the time. Now I want to tell you that I love you and I forgive you and I am sorry.

I want to tell you some things that I know to be true about myself because I know I will never be able to speak the truth about you. I guess only you know that and I don’t want to speculate too much about things I don’t have facts on and I am sure you will agree with that much.

I will say that it is my understanding in life that there are two predominating factors which lead us to make decisions and that is Love and Fear. I have felt the effects of these very much in recent times and I want to tell you what I know to be true about me and the perspective I have on the chaos that has been in my life.

I operate from a place of Love. I am motivated by it and Fear does not dominate my life so much that it prevents me from action. That is a fact because I put all my Fear and conflict aside and allowed myself to be driven purely by the Love for my Father when it came to the crunch.

Fear did not prevent me from going to the man I have loved across a lifetime and facing a difficult task and a difficult truth and telling him what was truly in my heart.

I gave my love freely and unconditionally to someone who I loved with no strings attached. He was welcome to every ounce of strength in my body and I would do it all over again without regret if called upon to do so.

Fear did not prevent me from the painful participation in the aftermath of my Father’s death. I allowed my Love for my Father to override whatever discomfort and anxieties that I had manifested over time. I attended that funeral in all its farcial meaning on behalf of the man who had so let me down because my Love still predominated and he deserved that representation and I found myself to be mistaken in my previous logic, which was based on Fear.

When you again expressed a need for me to change and/or validate you, my Love and the emotion and grief inside me absolutely erupted when I know for a fact the eyes in which I now looked upon the world after giving myself this way is something you had no knowledge or experience of and could not even imagine.

My hurt and pain and even anger toward you intensified when I was admitted to hospital after I had taken an overdose because I could not understand at first Graham if you loved me as you said you did, why didn’t you come and visit me? I have never felt so alone and hurt in my life as I was at the realisation that the death of your Father and the potential loss of your sister is not enough to move you to their side. I am not attacking you, I want you to understand my absolute pain and devastation. No matter the explanation, how it gets framed, what consideration you may think you are giving, it is Fear overriding Love. I had to work through that enlightening truth with the help of a psychiatrist and a psychologist, amongst other things. I hope that makes sense to you. I hope it will be thought provoking to the point that you understand something fundamental here for me.

My understanding of this situation can only be that you Graham Love me, you Loved our Father but you let Fear guide your decisions. This is the only way I can understand why you didn’t come to my side because I am going to gamble that you do Love me. In this way I can realise my anger and hurt and feelings of being rejected by you. If it is Fear that prevents you and because I love you Graham, I can forgive you in a heartbeat because you Graham, also need help.

It simply makes no sense any other way so you need to realise that I am not going to change when I know I have been guided by Love. It isn’t prudent to take the advice of someone who is currently guided by Fear. I hope you understand this Graham and how truly devastating this has all been on my health and wellbeing. I don’t want to debate with you ever. I don’t want to discuss or hear changes or politics about family and how you think you can transform us ever again. I am transformed by my own experiences which I will rely on to teach me and inform me about Love and Fear.

I engaged in active shows of Love. I will do it for you too because I know that I am capable of such acts when it matters and when Love is needed most and that is why I’m writing to you.


Love Lesley
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