i dont know where to begin.. but its gonna be a long one..
i guess.... at this current moment, i am grieving. before that, its just the undertow of life. i try so hard to keep my head up but im not winning this fight.
i have a roommate that is just crazy. one moment you dont know if she is gonna bite your head off, or smile at you. we lease. she doesnt ask, she demands. and when she doesnt like something she screams that its her house and she wont have that. btw, we lease, rent, NOT OWN.
my step dad had a scare. he couldnt remember over 5 min. apparently we found out it was global amnesia.
im beautiful, i am sweet. but no love interest. i mean, im just not interested. i wish i was but.. guys are jerks around here.....
i am unfortunatly in love with someone who is bustled by life and just doesnt have the time for anything including me. he tries but.....its a complicated story and i just wish i was over him.
lost most my friends to cocaine last year. the main source of poison drove my 2 best girl friends away from me. one friend bc she got into coke the other bc she didnt wanna be around it and since the source of poison was spreading lies, we lost contact. memorial day weekend my 2 best friends and i started hanging out agian (yay finally a plus) but... over a years worth of finding out that EVERYONE that i was coming into contact my age was coked out. i felt like there wasnt one clean person left. and that the world was against me. and when you really really have that feeling, like the world is against you.. you feel hopeless. like you cant trust anyone.
but my most sad time is now. i had to put my dog down sat. some say oh its just a dog but you dont understand this guy. Rambo won the hearts of all. At the vet, the nurses paid respect to him before he died. the dr was crying when it was done. they loved him.
he was my best friend and when life became the hardest he was mostly there. when my roommates where impossible to be around, he was in my room waiting to snuggle with me. If i was depressed i just laid my head on him and felt better. he was so smart and listened to me. he understood me and really was the best friend plus more anyone could ask for.
a week and half ago. 2 weeks after my step dad was in the hospital. rambo got the fever. we finally got word that it was leukemia but at that point the fever had made his body so weak.
i have wonderful friends, that this past weekend, couldnt have been any more perfect to keep my mind off things. but now i sit here, without my friendly face next to me to kiss away my tears.
a nurse at the vet urged me to go to some canine cancer websites... but they just arent in the same situation
its about people who have someone like spouse that is grieving with them... and or they have other animals in the house....
and now without my best friend......
and depression over the years is gonna make me lose my job soon. i went from being a competing sales rep in my company to someone who cant hit quota. work though has finally gotten better in the past 2 months. my last location was like cancer. back around easter rambo had to have his spleen taken out. he had almost died bc his spleen just grew too large. that took a toll on me but i survived bc i had rambo back with me, and more healthy than he had ever been.. but my coworkers were terrible to me. they called me terrible names.. they would talk about me in front of my face knowing what they were doing. it got so bad i would shake on my way to work and have a hard time breathing. i moved to a new location.. but.. the depression damage is done and quota isnt being made. the "unfortunate part" is i focus too much on customers and not enough on sales...
SO did you hear that? i focus too much on just helping the customer that its going to get me fired.
eff'd up. but thats economy right now.
actually thats what has given me a 2 month extention. they told me today that watching me run around the store helping ppl has allowed me 2 extra months to "pull it together"
i dont believe in suicide. never will. lost my sister when i was 6. but i just wanna go to sleep and wake up when its better. its like i wanna sleep for a few years..
i dont have modivation. and right when i finally get some life kicks me down again.
i do things to help stress, like rambo and i where big fans of walking on beautiful trails in the woods and such.
now i feel ruined for that as well..
im 28 and wanna just live with my parents living day to day till...... whatever.
i feel pathetic now though.. i liked living with my parents. they just live to far away from life.
i used to be this social girl who everyone loved to be around. it was ok to get depressed then bc a little sadness here and there makes you appreciate life.
but now i just feel like i keep getting kicked down and now its harder so the wind is getting kicked out of me.
i pray pray pray... but i just cant hear this answer..
i dont like drs bc i think they just wanna rip you off. too many shady drs around here. that and i dont like taking the meds.
i dont like that drugged up feeling esp when at work.
im scared im grieving im alone.