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Dying Dad

This is a discussion on Dying Dad within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; You have a very big heart Delta <3 And you do what ever you have to...to keep your sanity and ...

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Old 03-30-09, 04:40 PM   #31
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You have a very big heart Delta <3 And you do what ever you have to...to keep your sanity and your values!You are a great Mum!!

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 03-31-09, 01:48 PM   #32
 
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I'm sure your a great mother, from what I have read about you, and from how you've helped me - I can't see who wouldn't be the luckiest kid alive to have a mother like you :)

I'm not just saying that either .. I mean that

*huuuuge hugs*
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Old 04-07-09, 10:09 AM   #33
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Hey Delta,

Just wondering how you are going around this now? is your brother still with you?

((((((Delta&Family)))))))
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Old 04-07-09, 05:10 PM   #34
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Thanks Zoe

Yes he is still here. There is an air of apathy that is creeping in. My brother is flying home on the 28th of this month. My father is tired of his company I think and so he will visit again in two months. It is like some kind of waiting game. They are bored with each others company it seems. My brother is depressed an wants to go home.
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Old 04-13-09, 04:48 AM   #35
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Delta, I had to forgive my father in a way that is similar to what Kix is saying. I am not advocating for you to do as I did, mearly trying to provide a perspective from my life. I have brothers who have chosen to do the opposite, so I know there are many ways to get through your life. I will share about my choices in case it helps you with your situation:

More then anything, I had to forgive my father for myself so I could really go on, so I could be free of him and what he has done to me. I had to forgive him for all the things he had done wrong and denied to the end that he ever did. I also had to forgive him for all the things he had not done, the man he has not been to me over the years. I had to forgive him for hurting people I loved as well as myself. I had to do this before I could accept him for the good things he was and let those things benefit me.

I had to look at my father as a stranger in order to realize that he might have been supposed to be my father, but he is also just a man. He is a man as mysterious to me as a stranger on the streets is in some ways. He never talked about his past or his parents. Maybe he treated me better then he was treated and it is the endless cycle of abuse that rained down on me through him. Maybe he just made bad choices and maybe he was in over his head and simply lost control. None of those things excuse him and maybe all he deserves is to be cut off like a diseased limb. My brothers certainly chose to feel that way, but after he died my older brother said he wished he hadn't chosen that. I felt it hurt me more to cut him from my life and have no father at all then to try and accept him for what father he was, even if it wasn't much.

I choose to accept him for his good parts, instead of rejecting him for his bad parts. I had to really truely forgive him for being himself before I could accept him. I did this partly by trying to have a relationship with him, and looking at him for his better parts. Sometimes I had to see him like he was another adult instead of my father to see his value. Unfortunately I can't tell you how I exactly did this much better.

I have only one life to live. My father is gone from my life now and I will never get him back. I have been glad that I made the choice to forgive him. It will sound backwards, but when I really forgave him and accpeted him for what he was, I realized I was really somehow forgiving myself for all the bad things he had done to me and been. I found when I was able to forgive that it was somehow ME I was forgiving for his behavior, even though I know I did not do it. Forgiveness released me to a peace I doubt I would have today if I kept that line in my heart.

I hope that helps you with perspective.

-Hottea
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Old 04-13-09, 05:05 AM   #36
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to my friend delta (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))) ).....this has been a painful journey for you......you do have a big heart and I hope you can find a way to forgive your father.....if anything for you to lose the "dead" feeling and create a peaceful part of that heart to place your dad......I am thinking of you and I am here for you always
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Old 04-13-09, 05:08 AM   #37
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Another quick thought.

If you are satisfied with your choice and he is dead to you already, you may find yourself happy with just letting it all be. I know you have been through a lot with regards to your father.

Forgiveness does not have to be coupled with including him back into your life. If you feel that you have done your part that may be all you should do. To forget what he has done might be harmful like microwaving your head. Nobody would do that twice. So forgive for yourself if that is what you need to do. If you have any good memories of him, keep them. But protect yourself from more hurt if you truly believe that is all that visiting him will accomplish.

Wishing you the best,
hottea.
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Old 04-13-09, 06:50 AM   #38
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It's bizarre. I have decided that the best gift I can do is this: make sure my father provides for me in a way he never did. I'm sorry he couldn't do it but I love him and I'm strong enough to make sure he does. Its my duty. I won't stand by and let his responsibility be swept away with the tide. I owe it to him, to myself, to my children to ensure that is what happens. He should have done that - perhaps he has. If he hasn't, I will make sure he does. I have stood by passively. It takes half a lifetime of hoping love will come to you and another half to realize you have the power to choose.

My father stressed to my brother about absolutely no visitors. He continues to teach me, his daughter. The lesson here is. How not to die. I will never shun my loved ones away from me.
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Old 04-13-09, 07:51 AM   #39
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I just spoke to my brother about this decision. He says he agrees with me but I know he isn't as strong. My stepmother has a child who is married with her own kids. Everything will be going to her you see. In their marriage, my stepmother put it to my father that they were the priority. You see, stepmothers for some odd reason think that fathers are just supposed to abandon their responsibility to their kids when they arrive on the scene and tell their kids from the first marriage to go and get fucked. They do this because they think their kids are more important. In the meantime us three kids loved our dad and just wanted his time, his attention. My stepmother hated our guts and started fighting with my dad and I don't know what happened but she threatened to leave him over us kids. We didn't live with him you see. My dad was a weak bastard. He bought it. She smiled all the way down the aisle. He never paid one cent in child support. he never paid anything. He never visited us again. He had this new life you see. I don't blame her so much as I hold him responsible for not standing by me. he was my father and he should have stood by me. It was his job and he traded it in for some woman's affection. I forgive him his weakness. He is a man after all. Fortunately I can right some wrongs.


I'm going to find out about the law in terms of division of the estate. When I do I shall inform her of my intention to restore honour to my fathers name by including his three children in it.
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Old 04-24-09, 10:12 PM   #40
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The model airplane which I bought my dad came back today with my brothers things. Brian said he would get his son Dylan to paint the pieces and hopefully Dad would assemble them when he came back over. I think that is the conversation he had. my Dad seemed to have grumbled about getting sick from the paint fumes. The box and the paints are unopened, I note as I look at this complete package on the table. Right now I'm trying to think of who is worthy of such a gift as this. Dylan probably. I love my nephew and I am quite sure he would not only wish to paint it but also assemble it too.

I think I will talk to Brian. He is returning to Victoria next week. Perhaps it will be better if I also buy something for his daughter and tell him to give these two things to his kids from his aunty - a model airplane for Dylan and something else for Bonnie.
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