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Dying Dad

This is a discussion on Dying Dad within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) my friend. If you are completely honest with yourself that the lines are definitive then this is the path ...

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Old 03-21-09, 03:19 AM   #11
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((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) my friend. If you are completely honest with yourself that the lines are definitive then this is the path you choose. Death is forever, and I hope that whilst you have no feeling now, there will be no cause for asking yourself "the what if's" or "if only" and not live your life full of regrets when your father passes....I see your grief as what is called ambiguous grief...the lose of a loved one for whatever reason but not to death...I hope that you find solace, as I suspect being dead inside to your father is really avoidance...I hope for your sake the decisions you have made are good for you..
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Old 03-21-09, 03:46 AM   #12
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Me too
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Old 03-21-09, 06:38 AM   #13
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I can only offer my experiences.

With both of my parents we knew they were dying. With my Dad it was my first real experience with death and I coped alot better than I thought I would with it. I loved my Dad and he loved me and it was uncomplicated really, so grieving was easier.

With my Mum we had a very troubled relationship. The last few years of her life I managed to tolerate her, just barely, and that was for my young son's sake plus I knew I couldn't live with the guilt if I cut her out of my life. I admire you for protecting yourself and removing yourself from that position, I was never strong enough. I used to think when my Mum died that I would feel that burden lift and I would feel free from everything. It definitely wasn't the case. I struggled with it alot and it got worse until 2 months after her death I was scared. I thought I was about to lose my mind, I felt like I was on a tightrope and was about to fall and I didn't know what was on the other side. At that stage I went to the Doctor and got straight back onto AD's. I guess what I am trying to say is that for me the fact that I had such an awful relationship with my Mum just wouldn't let me move on. I have never grieved for her though, I am glad she is gone from my life and I don't have to suffer anymore. I suppose I thought all the issues would die with her but they didn't and I did have to deal with them.

I certainly hope that as you have already dealt with your relationship means you will be okay once he has gone.
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Old 03-21-09, 07:03 AM   #14
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Thanks BB. I am glad that people are talking to me about it because I have no experience with death and loved ones and this is definitely a troubled relationship.
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Old 03-21-09, 01:52 PM   #15
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I haven't lost anyone close to me, Delta, but the way you feel about your dad sounds much the way I feel about my mom.
She divorced my dad when I was young so she could marry another guy, and she moved to a different city, and i didn't have much to do with her after that.
In my adult life, I visited her a few times, but I found that even when i visited, I didn't feel much toward her, and she didn't seem to feel much toward me. Even if she hadn't seen me in two years, she'd quickly (like, within minutes of my arrival) become distracted and start ignoring about me and focusing on herself. Very self-centered woman.

I haven't seen her face to face in about ten years, although I've spoken on the phone to her a couple of times. She works in the medical profession, and I used to call her occasionally when I was having an anxiety attack about my health, to run some symptom by her. She always, however, gave me a worst-case scenario, which didn't help much, and she usually sounded weirdly gleeful while she gave me some dire prognosis. So I eventually stopped calling her about my health concerns, and now I just call my dad, instead. He has no medical background, but he's much more reassuring and sensible.

Point is, I don't think I'm going to feel much when this woman dies.
She's not very old yet- mid-50s- so i hope she won't die for a long time.
When she does, I expect i'll travel to her funeral and be appropriately somber.
But I doubt I'll shed a tear.
She's been dead to me already for so long that i don't even remember what she was like when she was my mother and I cared about her. I don't remember that time, although my dad insists that i was close to her when i was little. I don't remember that. I can't mourn what i don't remember.

I think I'll respond emotionally very much like you to her eventual passing.
I do hope she doesn't suffer, and I hope your dad doesn't suffer too much, either.
Cancer is such a lingering godawful way to go.

I think your response to the situation is fine. I mean, you're acting as a support for your brother, during what is obviously a difficult and stressful time for him.
What else can be expected? Somebody has to stay strong.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Old 03-25-09, 06:00 PM   #16
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I'm sorry about your dad delta... I've lost alot of people close to me, shootings, cancer, you name it. Right now I'm in the process of losing my grandma, her last chemotherapy treatment almost killed her so now her cancer is unchecked and it's only a matter of time... She's not even herself anymore, plus she's bedridden. I love my grandma and she and my mom is all I got left. I might be goin to a mental hospital soon I'm breaking down.
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Old 03-26-09, 12:11 AM   #17
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((((Venom))))) I'm sorry Venom. I think you've written before about how fond you are of your Grandma. Is she located nearby?
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Old 03-26-09, 01:38 PM   #18
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well I live in Texas but I'm currently in my home state of Mississippi visiting her. Hurts that I have to go back, I'm really contemplating if I should or not because of the shape she's in...
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Old 03-26-09, 03:13 PM   #19
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Yeah its tough. Death asks us to be brave and strong at a time when we are feeling scared and weak.

(((( superhero strength hug)))
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Old 03-26-09, 03:29 PM   #20
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My brother came home lastnight and discussed my father with me again. I thought I had made a rule not to get engaged in conversation if he was under the influence but I got sucked in again and showed my hand. Its ok I guess. I mean, I'm not drunk and I remember what I said about my own father dying the next day and I also remember how I feel. Nothing. Brian said its ok that I've drawn conclusions about my relationship with Dad but I have to keep talking while he is in the process of dying because as long as he is living, its important for us to be able to talk about him.

we agree that he used the marriage bust up to absolve himself of his parental obligation toward his children then spent a lifetime defending his position - in words and action. He's a petty minded boring old fart who sees his needs as tantamount.

We diverge when my brother Brian gives him the honour and respect that a father should have in dying - just because he is the father. It doesn't work like that for me and it isn't just a free choice. I forgive him for being a fucked dad - jesus the world is full of single mothers. I'm one of them! He doesn't get that he is a fucked dad and puts it that everyone else has the problem. As long as he had a woman who would cook for him and give him a root, my father never cared for anyone else but himself. He doesn't deserve my honour, my respect because I'm busy living a life which involves giving and sharing in a way he knows nothing about. He's excluded from my world and I am from his. Why would his death turn anything around? It doesn't. I like that I am doing as much for him right now as I was before. Thats consistency and as a parent - I aim for that. He is returning the favour also.

My number one priority is to look after me so that I can look after the people whose lives I want to be proactive in. My dying dad is not in that picture

NB This is an early morning cold heart post and may not be accurate 24/7
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