Does it really get easier?
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Does it really get easier?

This is a discussion on Does it really get easier? within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Grief. Mourning. Last January, my grandmother (who still worked 12 hour night shifts as an ICU nurse...) was diagnosed with ...

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Old 12-15-11, 02:16 AM   #1
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Default Does it really get easier?

Grief. Mourning. Last January, my grandmother (who still worked 12 hour night shifts as an ICU nurse...) was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I was in nursing school and I lived 4 hours away at the time. My fiance' and I tried to visit her as often as we could, but that wasn't too often, due to school. My Gramma helped raise me. Not really in a sense that she was there to guide me from day to day, but she did send money for me to buy shampoo when my alcoholic mother would rather have had beer than for me to have clean hair when I went to school. I graduated nursing school in may. I got my RN on June 9. I got married on June 18. And, on June 24, she finally escaped all of her pain. I held her, along with her youngest sister, and we sang to her through her last few minutes of life. It was one of the most special moments of my life I think, to be able to help her through that. So, since then, my husband and I randomly decided to move to Houston, TX (we are from a small town in Mississippi) where my great aunt is. I got a job as an RN within two weeks of being in Texas. We left all of our friends behind. So July flew by without much time to think about my grief. August and September were full of legal issues regarding her horrible daughters who never visited her until they found out she had cancer (and then, after she died, made fun of all the things she left them in her will...which kills me inside), they pretty much made every day hell for me. After this all died down, my husband and I finally got our own rental house and are finally settling in, but now that things are settling, i'm having time to think about how much I truly miss her. Thanksgiving was heartbreaking without her. Christmas, i'm just still expecting to plan that trip I always plan every year to visit her house and it's so hard to accept that I will never go back to the only house that was ever a stability in my life. They say it gets easier with time, but I think that's bullshit. I lost my dad when I was 11, and even though I barely remember him, I still can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here now. I miss him so. I miss her so much, too, and I am so angry for all the she had to go through, I am angry with her children, I am angry with God, I am angry with myself as well for acting the way I have been. But I'm not sure I even know how to mourn this loss. I don't have an escape. I would love to say that I made the most out of our last bit of time together, but we were trying to throw my wedding together in a hurry so that she could be there when I got married, and one of my aunt's (her daughter) made my life so miserable, blaming me for things that I did not do, making me feel like trash because I had no job the second I graduated from college. All of the drama has died down for the most part, but I just miss my sweet Gramma. I simply miss her, and I cannot accept the fact that she is gone.
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Old 12-15-11, 02:43 PM   #2
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First- I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my younger brother three years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and I will grive his loss the rest of my life. Holidays are especially tough because you are already stressed out to begin with and it seems like any little reminder leads to the pain all over again.

If by "easier" you mean does the grief get to a point where you can move ahead again with your life, then I would say yes it will eventually. There is no set time frame and everyone grieves differently. If by "easier" you mean that you will stop missing her loss, then I think no. I don't cry every time that I think of my brother now, but I will never stop missing his presence in my life. I cherish those memories now.

regarding the anger- yes, that is natural. I do ask that you not judge other family members too harshly. we all grieve differently. My sisters (for example) go to my brothers grave site several times each year. I do not. It doesn't mean I miss him any less. It is simply that to me, my brother is so much more present than just a patch of ground and a stone with his name. I see him every day when I talk to my son who has the exact same sense of humor, when I sit at my desk at work and see his picture or when I go home and see his prized Muppet collection sitting just inside my front hallway.

Continue to miss her every day. Know that she holds a dear cherished place in your heart. I can't think of a better way of keeping her momory alive.
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Old 12-27-11, 10:42 AM   #3
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My experience with losing someone important is that time does help us adjust to loss, to tolerate the resurfacing of those memories that pull at our hearts with longing for that person. I lost someone very dear to me 17 long years ago and mostly I don't feel strong emotion about that loss any longer, but still there is sometimes a moment when a sudden memory or thought brings a quick flash of pain. It is not life stopping as much as just a moment aside even at the most painful time now.

Be strong, know that you will never forget but it will grow easier.
We have to become creative problem solvers, not just tolerant burden barers.
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