Grief. Mourning. Last January, my grandmother (who still worked 12 hour night shifts as an ICU nurse...) was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I was in nursing school and I lived 4 hours away at the time. My fiance' and I tried to visit her as often as we could, but that wasn't too often, due to school. My Gramma helped raise me. Not really in a sense that she was there to guide me from day to day, but she did send money for me to buy shampoo when my alcoholic mother would rather have had beer than for me to have clean hair when I went to school. I graduated nursing school in may. I got my RN on June 9. I got married on June 18. And, on June 24, she finally escaped all of her pain. I held her, along with her youngest sister, and we sang to her through her last few minutes of life. It was one of the most special moments of my life I think, to be able to help her through that. So, since then, my husband and I randomly decided to move to Houston, TX (we are from a small town in Mississippi) where my great aunt is. I got a job as an RN within two weeks of being in Texas. We left all of our friends behind. So July flew by without much time to think about my grief. August and September were full of legal issues regarding her horrible daughters who never visited her until they found out she had cancer (and then, after she died, made fun of all the things she left them in her will...which kills me inside), they pretty much made every day hell for me. After this all died down, my husband and I finally got our own rental house and are finally settling in, but now that things are settling, i'm having time to think about how much I truly miss her. Thanksgiving was heartbreaking without her. Christmas, i'm just still expecting to plan that trip I always plan every year to visit her house and it's so hard to accept that I will never go back to the only house that was ever a stability in my life. They say it gets easier with time, but I think that's bullshit. I lost my dad when I was 11, and even though I barely remember him, I still can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here now. I miss him so. I miss her so much, too, and I am so angry for all the she had to go through, I am angry with her children, I am angry with God, I am angry with myself as well for acting the way I have been. But I'm not sure I even know how to mourn this loss. I don't have an escape. I would love to say that I made the most out of our last bit of time together, but we were trying to throw my wedding together in a hurry so that she could be there when I got married, and one of my aunt's (her daughter) made my life so miserable, blaming me for things that I did not do, making me feel like trash because I had no job the second I graduated from college. All of the drama has died down for the most part, but I just miss my sweet Gramma. I simply miss her, and I cannot accept the fact that she is gone.