Some of you may know me while others may not.
A little over a year ago, I believe, I really have been a mess and haven't kept track of anything very well. I lost my child.
I'll give you a little of the back story being as quick as I can.
At a very young age I met the girl of my dreams. Through-out High School her and I dated. When I was 16 turning 17 in a few months. Her and I were engaged planning to get married as soon as both of us could legally do so(Both 18). Around November, I believe. She was pregnant with our child. Later into the year around December/Janurary her and I spit up and I took it very hard.
I had dropped out of High School, Moved out of my parent's house to live with my best friend, Become a regular drinker heading down the road of addiction, and had developed schizophrenia. There were nights that my Best Friend did not know what to do and felt there was nothing he could do to help me through these times.
During these times I found out my ex-Fiancee had drank our child to death and had it aborted at that point since it was no longer alive. This drove me over the edge. I made several attempts on my life, Become fully addicted to alcohol, and my delusions only got worse and worse.
This is where I stand now. A partial drug addict, High School drop out, Schizophrenic, Former local gang member, Petty Criminal, Unemployed. I'm sure there is more that I can't think of at this moment.
Now, my ex-Fiancee refuses to admit to what she did so I am called a liar and a horrible person for making things up. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know myself anymore. Is it true, Is it real? Did she really do this? Or is it all just a schizophrenic memory created by my mind?
If that's true do I have the right to be upset to feel this pain and to have people feel bad for me? Should I just accept that it's a possibility this is all just a delusion I have been living?
I can barely see any depiction of a child or baby anywhere now. I try and keep myself from bursting into tears when I'm watching a show that depicts the birth of a child.
Not only am I still grieving over something I'm not even true is real anymore but I feel hopeless and like my life is headed into nothingness. I have no job, I can barely survive where I live(Long Story -- I'm treated like a second class citizen and are constantly considering the possibility of the region in which I live become more or less like Nazi Germany -- All it would take is one bad provincial election.)
I'm greiving, Struggling with life, and feel hopeless. I have no ambitions, Have no clue what I want to do with life, and just generally feel like there is no point to living anymore. I'm not saying I want to kill myself, though it's a constant thought, I just need life to show me a ray of hope.
I'm sorry for such a long and emotional post.