The death of my father.
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The death of my father.

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Old 09-23-09, 04:50 PM   #1
 
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Default The death of my father.

My dad died when I was 17. He drank, not that he was a drunk, but it didn't help his bad liver. he had two liver transplants, the second of which he died on the table.

he spent the last five years of his life very sick. But even before that he was no pleasure to be around. it was a neverending string of abuse with him.... never physical (which he claimed I should be grateful he didn't beat me as his father beat him)... but he did constantly bully and intimidate me. On more than one occasion he broke my things, punched holes in the walls, threw chairs, things like that. This was all before he got sick.

I spent so much time grieving his awfulness that when he died, it felt like all my grieving had already been done. But to the rest of my family, his sudden death was a shock and a travesty. They never saw how he behaved at home, and so they revered and loved him. They said at his funeral that as long as I was around, my father would never be truly gone from us. What a dubious compliment.

I feel like I really missed out on something because he was the way he was. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to find someone who could show me what it really means to be a daddy. A propper daddy. That's an important thing for a kid to see, isn't it? I think it has even affected my relationship with the Lord..... who is of course the best example of what a loving father is supposed to be. But it is hard for me to understand fatherliness, without having had one to be with me, to teach me, to guide me.

I realize I'm not the only person in the world who grew up with an inept father. Maybe I should be grateful he didn't beat me. Although sometimes in my secret places of my heart I almost wish he had beaten me. A beating would have been easier to take than his cruel words, or his cold shoulder inbetween the words.

Thank you for letting me write this. I don't know if it has helped at all. I have many unresolved feelings about the man. He was truly a piece of work..... and had no business fathering children in my opinion.

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Old 09-23-09, 10:28 PM   #2
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My dad died when I was 17. He drank, not that he was a drunk, but it didn't help his bad liver. he had two liver transplants, the second of which he died on the table.

he spent the last five years of his life very sick. But even before that he was no pleasure to be around. it was a neverending string of abuse with him.... never physical (which he claimed I should be grateful he didn't beat me as his father beat him)... but he did constantly bully and intimidate me. On more than one occasion he broke my things, punched holes in the walls, threw chairs, things like that. This was all before he got sick.

I spent so much time grieving his awfulness that when he died, it felt like all my grieving had already been done. But to the rest of my family, his sudden death was a shock and a travesty. They never saw how he behaved at home, and so they revered and loved him. They said at his funeral that as long as I was around, my father would never be truly gone from us. What a dubious compliment.

I feel like I really missed out on something because he was the way he was. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to find someone who could show me what it really means to be a daddy. A propper daddy. That's an important thing for a kid to see, isn't it? I think it has even affected my relationship with the Lord..... who is of course the best example of what a loving father is supposed to be. But it is hard for me to understand fatherliness, without having had one to be with me, to teach me, to guide me.

I realize I'm not the only person in the world who grew up with an inept father. Maybe I should be grateful he didn't beat me. Although sometimes in my secret places of my heart I almost wish he had beaten me. A beating would have been easier to take than his cruel words, or his cold shoulder inbetween the words.

Thank you for letting me write this. I don't know if it has helped at all. I have many unresolved feelings about the man. He was truly a piece of work..... and had no business fathering children in my opinion.

Secret Keeper
hey Secret Keeper.

he does sound like a piece of work. but you know what they say - be careful what you wish for :/
both of my parents were violent, in addition to bullying, intimidating, and the rest of this. the only difference was that my dad didn't drink. which didn't stop him from doing things that make me recoil every time something moves too fast near by :/

i dont know. in the end - i soooooooo hear you, i used to dream of being able to choose any kind of parents, just not mine. :/

he's kinda different now, thanks to my step-mom. but i don't know, it's still hard for me to trust him. i don't know.

anyways... i'm sorry i kinda turned this post to me, didn't mean to :(
i can relate, and i'm so sorry you had to go through this shit :(

and... please keep talking... i'm sure you'll find peace in the end.
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Old 09-24-09, 08:45 AM   #3
 
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secret keeper,

I can sympathize with your post. My father is still alive and kicking... and he's still a worthless bastard. Most people no how he is, so I'm sure his funeral attendance will be small. I fantasize about when he dies going to that service. I imagine touching his cold flesh and knowing that I'll never have what I wanted/needed from him.

I do a lot of therapy. I find a multitude of ways to do therapy every single day. I began this process recently because of the severe depression and anxiety brought on by the break up of my romantic relationship. As the pain of that break up slowly lifts like a fog, I see the pain underneath it. I see where I'm just a hurt little girl.

Now even after the pain of this relationship is gone I will continue my therapy to help that little girl. I want to have a healthy relationship with myself, others, and God as I understand God. I'm not a Christian, but I beleive God can be the Father that I have always needed. And with God's guidance, I can reparent myself and heal some of those wounds. I'll never be like those people who had a good start... but that's not my fate, anyway. I have my own individual path and I will continue down it until it ends. I will work on me until I die; I have no other choice.

Best wishes for you and those who are silently suffering in similar ways.
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Old 09-24-09, 11:26 AM   #4
 
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thank you both for your understanding. it is hard knowing how to deal with my feelings about him, even though he's been dead for years and years. it still feels recent and new to me.

my father asked to be creamated, because his sickness left him basically a shadow of his former self, and he did not want people (even in death) to see him that way. no arrangements were made to bury his ashes, however, as my mother was so distraught. so they just sat in a box inside a canvas bag in his woodshop in our basement, for years. my mother reasoned that's where he'd "want to be". she obviously has no grasp of the concept of heaven, or who God is if that is where she thought he'd want to be after his death.

I saw him the day before he died. He was in the ICU. He was not conscious, but he was moaning in his sleep, saying "oh God oh God". he was clearly in excrutiating pain. he wanted to die. he wanted to die at home, but my mother begged the doctors to try to save his life. she was in denial that he was on his deathbed. the next day by six am he was gone.

I had to make the funeral arrangements, along with my father's sister, because my mom was inconsolable. she was completely devoted to him, even though he treated her like dirt. she was spineless. she never stood up for herself, or for her children. I have little respect for her. she remarried, and has shut me out of her life, saying that she is finally "happy". she is happy with her life that doesn't contain me. I guess I should be glad for her, glad that she found what she always wanted.

hah, I've gone on a bit, haven't I?
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Last edited by Secret Keeper; 09-24-09 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 09-24-09, 02:27 PM   #5
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I'm very sorry for your loss, even tho you didn't have the best relationship he was still your father. I hope you can work thru these feelings. Have you ever tried therapy?

TA
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Old 09-24-09, 02:46 PM   #6
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thank you both for your understanding. it is hard knowing how to deal with my feelings about him, even though he's been dead for years and years. it still feels recent and new to me.

my father asked to be creamated, because his sickness left him basically a shadow of his former self, and he did not want people (even in death) to see him that way. no arrangements were made to bury his ashes, however, as my mother was so distraught. so they just sat in a box inside a canvas bag in his woodshop in our basement, for years. my mother reasoned that's where he'd "want to be". she obviously has no grasp of the concept of heaven, or who God is if that is where she thought he'd want to be after his death.

I saw him the day before he died. He was in the ICU. He was not conscious, but he was moaning in his sleep, saying "oh God oh God". he was clearly in excrutiating pain. he wanted to die. he wanted to die at home, but my mother begged the doctors to try to save his life. she was in denial that he was on his deathbed. the next day by six am he was gone.

I had to make the funeral arrangements, along with my father's sister, because my mom was inconsolable. she was completely devoted to him, even though he treated her like dirt. she was spineless. she never stood up for herself, or for her children. I have little respect for her. she remarried, and has shut me out of her life, saying that she is finally "happy". she is happy with her life that doesn't contain me. I guess I should be glad for her, glad that she found what she always wanted.

hah, I've gone on a bit, haven't I?
Secret Keeper
Gahh :( well... maybe you are better off without her too :(
(((((hug)))))
and...
dear, keep talking. you have alot to still talk about, and it's a good place to start.
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Old 09-25-09, 08:25 AM   #7
 
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I'm not sure what to say next.

I guess sometimes I fear that I am becoming embittered against them. I try to have an understanding heart, that they each had their own hang ups that kept them from being the parents they should have been. but another part of me resents them for what they did to me.

.....

I do not like feeling resentment.
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Old 09-25-09, 08:36 PM   #8
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My father died in May this year of cancer. He wasn't abusive either but he completely neglected his responsibilities as a parent. By this I mean he lived for 30 years just down the road with his second wife and her child and never attended to me or my two brothers. It was like we were a hangover from his past. I loved him like no other man in my life and I will never know to this day why or how he could just make my love obsolete, as if I was of no relevance to him. It has had detrimental effects on me and of course my ability to function in relationships with men and my own relationships with my daughters. I wish I knew what to tell you.

You really are special. I am special. Some people use their pain and their sense of worthlessness and inflict it upon those who trust in them the most. Their own children. You will never quite know why but it lies at their door and not yours. You are a beautiful loving person who can carry on in this world and give so much to others and you can fill the void in your heart with your own self love.

((((precious you))))
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Old 10-24-09, 01:25 PM   #9
 
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Dear Secret Keeper

I can relate to your story in many ways myself. I also lost my dad, at the end of May this year to suicide, aged 15. (He was 57.) He was under extreme stress, and although like your own father, he was never violent, his tempers were terrifying, and on countless occaisions i feared for his life, and me and my mum tried desperately not to enrage him further. I often suffered from panic attacks and throughout my childhood withdrawed myself from the other children. My teachers got angry at me and called it 'sulking', as i was afraid to tell them what was happening in my home life and how understandbaly isolated i felt from the others in my class.

it isnt completely fair to only describe my dad as simply the man that caused me emotional trauma, as the majority of the time he was a loving, caring man, dedicated and enthusiatic towards work and his passion of conserving rare breeds. From a young age i was 'daddy's girl', going to him for help and sitting on his knee every night as we watched TV together.

However as his moods became more frequent and i grew older i became less afraid of him, and less tolerant of his moodswings. I avoided him as much as possible, leaving a room discreetly as he entered it, and keeping away from him to avoid him making a beeline for me.

I had known for many years that he was severely depressed, and he had attempted to take his own life several times before, two occaisions of which I personally witnessed. We were facing eviction from our farm and home, which he had worked 17 years to create and establish, and were facing the prospect of homelessness and having no source of income. My mum had started a new job outside the farm which my dad saw as fundementally a betrayal. She also bought a house, hiding the details from him. I particularly remember one phonecall my dad made soon before we were to go to court to have n eviction order formally served upon us. he said ' I think i only have one more month to live. The only way the council will take me out of here is in a box'. I knoew even at this point his words were not empty threats, and had accepted the prospect of losing him.

When he commited suicide, after a chain of events which included my mum fleeing our home for the safety of her own life, and him being arrested for affray after allegedly threatening police with a ptichfork, I only cried for a few hours. Even now the thought that he is gone seems surreal, as I now live elsewhere, in a place i can never imagine my dad setting foot in in a million years.

At school, people never expected me to be normal, laughing, even joking about the events leading to his death.

You say you 'feel like you feel you 'really missed out on something because he was the way he was'. I can relate to this, as i never had the priveleges of normal family life, like going out for a meal or visiting relatives, because his whole life revolved around the farm, and he was doing the work of six people singlehandedly. I spent more time living in fear of what my dad could do to me emotionally than enjoying the time I had with him.

Given this, i understnad the psycological impact that a [poor] father figure can have upon personal wellbeing. I can see flaws in my personal charachter which I am sure have been influenced by the environment i grew up in, and although I do not place full responsibilty on my dad by any means, his negative thought processes have influenced my own and i have suffered from [comparatively mild] depression, although i have never seeked any professional help. [Also like my dad who continuously refused to see anyone.] I can empathise with not being as affected as expected about your dad's death, but everyone deals with loss in a different way, and in some ways you should count yourself lucky that you didnt lose a closer family member.

As for your mum, it's a great shame that she resents you as a reminder of your father, and a greater injustice that she hasnt proved herself the better parent and allowed you both to move on and form a closer relationship.

I hope that in time you will find acceptance, in whatever form that may come, and hopefully become a better parent than your own were.
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