Can't seem to walk out of grief
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Can't seem to walk out of grief

This is a discussion on Can't seem to walk out of grief within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Despite the disfunctional/abusive family i grew up in, my grandpa is the only person that genuinely cared about me... I ...

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Old 12-03-09, 04:49 AM   #1
 
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Despite the disfunctional/abusive family i grew up in, my grandpa is the only person that genuinely cared about me... I miss him terribly... Even tho he had had a series of strokes over the last year and we all know he doesn't have much time left, when i actually saw him in the ICU, my heart just sank.... i tried to talk to him as if he were still awake.... i felt pain in my heart, literally...

a few days later, i had to return to the US to finish up my finals...and just as always, nothing ends in a remotely peaceful note in any of my family gatherings... the night before i leave for the airport, i made an agreement with the hospital and the rest of my family to see my grandpa for two hours... i decided to say goodbye to grandpa properly during that two hours... pray for him... and wish him a good trip to heaven... about half an hour into my last visit, grandpa woke up for the first time in a week and finally looked at me with such despiration in his eyes.... i was so sad and happy at the same time... i pulled myself together and was just about to tell grandpa how much i miss him and wish him the best... the nurse came in and told me my dad was making a scene in the waiting room... turns out he decided there would be a fog on the way to the airport so i must leave immediately... dad was making such a disturbance at the hospital that the nurses begged me to leave... so i was forced to let go of grandpa's trembling hand, with a broken heart, without a proper goodbye to the person i love the most....

after a huge fight outside of the hospital, i drove myself to the airport without my dad (he was supposed to drive me).... without a proper driver's license (US license is no good there) and after getting lost numerous times, i finally got to the airport 7 hours later ... and there was no fog... during that 7 hours of gutsy, law-breaking drive, i supressed my pain, my remorse of not having spent more time with grandpa, my hatred to my father who keeps breaking my heart without the least bit of care, and my anger towards the rest of my family for abandoning/giving up on me

it's been a week since i came back to the US... i had not eaten much, or slept much, not to mention school or work.... i barely talked to my husband or friends or anyone else... i spent most of the time sitting in the dark staring at the computer screen... i feel like i'm in so much pain i dun even care to get happy any more... i just wish i could take a break... a long break... without any obligations to maintain a job or school performance... or even my own well being... i just want to take a long break... to grieve and be sad... yet i dun even have that luxury... i am so sad and i dunno wat to do about it
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Old 12-04-09, 04:11 AM   #2
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So sorry you feeling so bad
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Old 12-07-09, 03:25 AM   #3
 
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grandpa officially passed away... i tried to cry about it and stuff like that... it's been tough because nobody else seems to understand what i'm going thru right now... i called my relatives and tried to comfort them... but i dun think anybody feels like talking to me right now... and the saddest thing is... not a single soul tried to offer me a word of comfort so far... i feel so lonely
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Old 03-04-10, 01:05 PM   #4
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Well, we're always here to comfort you.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You must be devastated.
Sometimes life can be so cruel, take people away from us without giving us a chance for farewell, other times it can be so giving...

I admire your care towards your grandfather, and I am very sure that where ever he is right now, he is very proud having such a caring person like you as a grandchild.

Hold your head high, buddy!
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