Last year, 30 March 2012, my at the time best friend's little sister died in a traffic accident.
The entire neighbourhood was shattered by the event and I can see we still are. The girl was the sweetest person out there. Always willing to help others, involved in all sort of actions to raise funds for those who were in need or organisations and activities. She always knew what to say and I couldn't help but to be proud of her and her accomplishments. She was a bright young girl, charming too, had a lot of friends and seeing her just somehow enlightened my depressed mood and gave me the confidence I needed to get through another day. I think everyone in the neighbourhood appreciated her radiant presence, warming our hearts with the cheeriest of smiles.
Now that she's gone, I'm anxious near traffic and take the blame for her death as does my friend ( I called him Jack in a different thread I think so I'll stick to that).
Jack believes he should have left with her for school that day, even though that meant he would have been at school an hour early.
I already told him it was not his fault and that nobody could have done anything, but sometimes when I'm near traffic, the events of that day just pass through my mind and haunt me. I have to sit down and tell myself it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done.
I wasn't there at the time, though I believe I should have been and I could have been. It was due to mere coincidence that I received a call from my at the time girlfriend asking if I could come over to her place earlier. Otherwise I would have left for the city centre and I would have gone the same road at the same time as Jack's little sister. At that point in time I already had a haunting gut feeling that I shouldn't pick up the phone, but I did and that means Jack's sister was alone against a lost truck driver.
The anxious feelings have rapidly increased lately, not only due to the date of the accident drawing closer, and I can feel the need to cry increase with every second that day draws closer. Distractions don't help anymore and I keep having to tell myself not to think about it and especially that it wasn't my fault. Logic tells me it wasn't.
Is it normal to feel like this still? I suppose so. The girl felt much like my own little sister seeing as Jack and I pretty much grew up together and his little sister was born when the two of us were already really close.
Yet, I can't help but feel if I share this with someone that they'll neglect my feelings and say I'm exaggerating since a year has already passed and I should be over it, after all she wasn't my
However, if I do not tell anyone I'm afraid they won't understand if I shut down during that day or even cry.
I'm also afraid that if I'll tell any one who's really dear to me that they'll try to convince me it's not my fault, which is something I'd appreciate them doing of course, but it'll be exhausting for them to do 'cause I've been working on convincing myself for a year now. Maybe it might help if they say it and explain to me the logic I already found... but will it make sense for them to repeat what I already know?
I'm not sure what to do...
Just wish she was still here.