Almost a year now...
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Almost a year now...

This is a discussion on Almost a year now... within the Grieving forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; Last year, 30 March 2012, my at the time best friend's little sister died in a traffic accident. The entire ...

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Old 03-04-13, 02:56 AM   #1
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Last year, 30 March 2012, my at the time best friend's little sister died in a traffic accident.
The entire neighbourhood was shattered by the event and I can see we still are. The girl was the sweetest person out there. Always willing to help others, involved in all sort of actions to raise funds for those who were in need or organisations and activities. She always knew what to say and I couldn't help but to be proud of her and her accomplishments. She was a bright young girl, charming too, had a lot of friends and seeing her just somehow enlightened my depressed mood and gave me the confidence I needed to get through another day. I think everyone in the neighbourhood appreciated her radiant presence, warming our hearts with the cheeriest of smiles.

Now that she's gone, I'm anxious near traffic and take the blame for her death as does my friend ( I called him Jack in a different thread I think so I'll stick to that).
Jack believes he should have left with her for school that day, even though that meant he would have been at school an hour early.
I already told him it was not his fault and that nobody could have done anything, but sometimes when I'm near traffic, the events of that day just pass through my mind and haunt me. I have to sit down and tell myself it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done.

I wasn't there at the time, though I believe I should have been and I could have been. It was due to mere coincidence that I received a call from my at the time girlfriend asking if I could come over to her place earlier. Otherwise I would have left for the city centre and I would have gone the same road at the same time as Jack's little sister. At that point in time I already had a haunting gut feeling that I shouldn't pick up the phone, but I did and that means Jack's sister was alone against a lost truck driver.

The anxious feelings have rapidly increased lately, not only due to the date of the accident drawing closer, and I can feel the need to cry increase with every second that day draws closer. Distractions don't help anymore and I keep having to tell myself not to think about it and especially that it wasn't my fault. Logic tells me it wasn't.

Is it normal to feel like this still? I suppose so. The girl felt much like my own little sister seeing as Jack and I pretty much grew up together and his little sister was born when the two of us were already really close.
Yet, I can't help but feel if I share this with someone that they'll neglect my feelings and say I'm exaggerating since a year has already passed and I should be over it, after all she wasn't my sister.
However, if I do not tell anyone I'm afraid they won't understand if I shut down during that day or even cry.
I'm also afraid that if I'll tell any one who's really dear to me that they'll try to convince me it's not my fault, which is something I'd appreciate them doing of course, but it'll be exhausting for them to do 'cause I've been working on convincing myself for a year now. Maybe it might help if they say it and explain to me the logic I already found... but will it make sense for them to repeat what I already know?

I'm not sure what to do...
Just wish she was still here.
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12-04-1999| 30-03-2012
11-11-2014
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Old 03-04-13, 03:37 AM   #2
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It's not your fault, nor your friend's fault. Even if you'd have been there it doesn't mean that you could have made anything happen differently. There are a million and one variables that could have occurred. You could have been killed too, your friend could have been killed, you could all have been killed. You might have been there but at the moment of the accident your attention might have been elsewhere and you'd still have failed to prevent it. To suggest that being there would have made the difference is wishful thinking. It's perfectly understandable to feel that way because you can't help but feel that way. I felt the exact same way about my friend being murdered. I should have been there. There is no way in the world that I could have been there, but I still felt that way anyway.

What happened was a tragic accident. The only way that you could have stopped it happening was if you could see the future, which you couldn't and can't. This was not a situation of neglect in any way whatsoever.

As for the grief, there is no fixed time limit on grieving and the anniversary of a death will always be a painful thing. That might not ever change. As long as you are not living in the grief every single day for year upon year then you probably don't have anything to be concerned about. To grieve when reminded of a tragic or traumatic event is normal.

I'm sorry for all of those who were affected by her loss, you included. It's a horrible thing to experience.
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Old 03-04-13, 03:03 PM   #3
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Thank you Super... for your kind words and for the condolences.
I know what you say is true and it helps to hear someone else say it... but I can't help but think about the 'what if?'. The image of what could have happened and what has happened dances through my mind continuously.
I'm currently just trying to motivate myself and arrange for fun events with friends...

Do you think I should see a therapist? I've managed to take care of myself for a long while, but I feel my own strength fading and I can hardly cope with myself and this situation. I can't be more anxious than I already am.
Then again... how would I tell my parents that I need a therapist? And what would I tell my therapist? I can hardly trust anyone anyway...

I feel sad, anxious, alone and I'm clinging to a love I shouldn't have...
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~I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful.
So unloved for someone so fine.
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting.
So ignorant for someone of sound mind.~
12-04-1999| 30-03-2012
11-11-2014
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