My mum past away about half a year ago. I still feel numb. Sure I've cried when I heard the news, when I sat by her side when she was lying in her coffin looking peacefully, when I closed the coffin only to realise that was going to be the last moment I would see her face, when I stood two meters from the oven that was going to burn her body and her belongings. But after that I felt so numb. I thought it would fade with time, but six months in and I've never felt more numb than now. I WANT to cry, but I cant. I visit her ashes and the whole ride there I think about what I want to say and how I want to cry to release the pain, but when I'm there and I look at her picture and the flowers and the urn, I'm empty.
The numbness is killing me inside. I write to her, I talk to her, there isn't a day that goes by without me going through the events preceding her sudden death, but still the tears remain inside. I feel like this way I can't move forward. The pain is stuck inside of me. When people ask or mention her death, I feel numb as fuck. They must think what a horrible daughter I am for not caring or grieving. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get over this numbness.