My mom had a heart problem that started in her 40's, while she had stabilized, she wasn't capable of being on her feet for longs periods of time and her doctor said she shouldn't work. Our family ended up on disability and food stamps. In total, the $500 she received every month wasn't enough to pay rent and bills, so at 16, I dropped out of school, moved to a larger town about 45 minutes away and got 2 jobs to help my family.
About a year and a half later, a family friend called and said they were going to come into town and pick me up, there had been some type of emergency. I immediately hung up the phone and called my mom's home. My brother answered and seemed really upset about something, when I asked to speak to my mom, he said I couldn't and just to wait from the friend to come pick me up. I got down on my knees and begged God to just let me see her one more time, just to be able to tell her that I loved her and say goodbye one last time. After the longest 45 minutes of my life, they showed up and said that she had passed away.
We drove up to her little town, there was an ambulance and 2 police cars in front of her home, lights flashing in the dark. Life flight had just left after working on her for an hour before giving up. My brother was there, I have never screamed and cried or felt so much pain in my entire life. I went inside to see her one last time before they took her away. She was in the middle of the living room, covered with a sheet and still had tubes hooked up to her. I held her hand and just sobbed. There was vomit next to her from their attempts at CPR. I don't know how long I was inside just holding her hand and staring at her, begging her to wake up and telling her that I loved her, before my brother came in and said they had to move her.
The following week was the hardest week of my life. I was 17 and my brother was 19, we didn't have any family in town or capable of coming out. Our dad had abandoned us 10 years earlier and we hadn't heard from him since. We had to plan a funeral for our 55 year old mother that, while we knew she wasn't the healthiest person, never expected her to go when she did.
Prior to this experience, I rarely cried, however ever since, I find my emotions harder and harder to control. I've had a really hard time making friends and keeping them ever since. It's hard for me to stay close to people I have once loved and cared about. I let the most important person in my life go towards the beginning of the year and regret it to this day. She passed away on July 31, 2004, and I'm stuck in the past.
I want to have lasting friendships, I just don't know how to make them work. I'm super shy when it comes to meeting new people and that usually just makes them think I think they are boring or disinterested in them. I've only had 1 best friend in my life, and because of my paranoia about people's intentions, they are pretty much out of my life. I don't have any friends now and my brother is moving to 2,000 miles away with his fiancee. I don't want to be lonely anymore, yet I'm lonelier than I have ever been.