That's the year that my cousin died from deep vein thrombosis after giving birth to a very premature daughter who was sickly but pulled thru.
I did get to say goodbye to her dead body and kiss her face and rub her hair. I was 13. She was 19.
Her daughter was murdered at age 6 in 1997.
I loved them both and I miss them so much. In the back of my mind it feels like my life would be so much more rich and different if they were still here with me. Maybe, maybe not. Pointless to speculate.
I guess I wrote this post because I feel sad and I've never expressed it. They are dead and I am here and who has ever cared about my deep sadness? Everyone has lost someone, just another part of life. It was so long ago.
But I have this hot and cold anger inside of me. Red hot anger towards people and icy cold heart unwilling to forgive or trust or be vulnerable. Very little compassion for others. The people that I do love, I am an emotional terrorist and I'm not nearly as kind as they deserve me to be.
I dont know if I want to change, but my body is giving me so much grief I think I have to try. My fear was of being eaten alive in this crazy world but now I am eating myself alive from the inside out.
I have plenty more to lose and I will if I do not change my ways.