So I haven't been here for a while, not necessarily because I didn't need to come here but because I think I was embarrassed by my behavior before I decided to take a hiatus.
Looking back now I realize that I was having a full-fledged meltdown. Last year I almost got kicked out of school for failing an entire semester's worth of classes. That caused me to sort of wake up and realize that I needed to change something in my life.
I couldn't afford medication or therapy, though I think even now those are things that I still need, I made small changes. I started eating healthier, walking around in a lit house (as opposed to drawing all the curtains and lying in bed for hours on end), and creating a schedule. A major change I introduced into my life was a service puppy-in-training. I'm raising him for an organization. He has made the BIGGEST difference in my approach to life. I've had dogs before but this one is special. I'll miss him when he goes back to the facility but no one could ever replace what he has given me: confidence and independence.
I lost a lot when my friend committed suicide. I no longer have any friends, I live at home, I went from being an A student to a failing student (now I'm a C student), but most of all I lost all confidence in myself. I've gained a lot of that back now and at times I actually feel happy.
When I see these posts from about 6 months to 2 years ago now I just shiver. I cannot even remember writing most of them and I'm not even sure who that person was. The worst few were the last few I posted. I really thought I was going to kill myself. And, to be honest, I half-heartedly tried a few times.
No my life isn't happy-go-lucky and there are days where I feel depressed and wish I were dead, but now I feel that I have gained perspective, that I want to try to ride this wave out to see how much better it might get. Most of all, I never want the people I love to have to go through what I have been through.
Sorry, I kind of rambled on and on. I just want the people reading this thread to perhaps identify with my experience or find it to be inspirational in some way.