After dealing with various events and experiences what resulted was a heart closed off to the world. A state closed off from love; shielded from harm, joy or any experience.
More precisely what occurred was (in order of unfolding):
1. The passing of my daughters' mother
2. The passing of my daughter
3. The passing of my father
4. The passing of my mother
5. The passing of 1s cousin
These events have shaped my worldview and idea of my own self for such a long time. There have been other influences of events in life but these are the ones that have had the most direct influence on how the expression of my own self arise.
What I would like to share is however not so much of what has occurred during this period but rather what this year has brought:
For the longest time, I have had the sense that my ability to empathize with others and really form any positive relationships has been out of function. Fully closing my own heart of to the world afraid of suffering and sorrow, accepting that passive state of NULL rather than to process and move further through the Percival. This was still going on at the onset of 2017 and the dynamics of this played out in my life in the form of me taking such a victim role, accepting that "I" was someone who was out to get it. Noone could like me, I had so much baggage and so how could I like myself. Everything was "my" fault.
Then this June, something happened to completely change that. As I was beginning to move into an everyday state where I could be somewhat trusting towards others what needed to come, came. I had a set intention in my mind for some time that, if "I" could only be sent something or someone to help me on my way or to give me an indication of what I needed to do to change what was occurring inside of me.
This came in the form of a friend, who turned out to be my one of my two best friends, and saying that: giving it a title doesn't justify at all what it has meant.
Firstly it was a focus on similar interests that unfolded into sharing traumatic experiences and everyday occurrences. As time went on this became an everyday thing, not sharing traumas but just talking, sharing stories; laughing and even crying. It takes bravery to do that for someone, and I am so grateful she did and does all this for me, perhaps more precisely for us.
As I improved in my state and my trust to another began to thaw and unlock a natural progression began to occur inside me. I dreamt about things I fully had kept away from and experienced lapses of pain and suffering strong enough to keep me frozen in place for a good few hours, oh though they came and still come in waves thank god.
From dreams and pain to a profound (I call it such because this is what it has been for me) sense of knowing that the endless story we live in contains all consciousness, experience and that we as individuals with our sense of self, are not external phenomenon but a non-dual state like a particle arising from a wave of potential. Perhaps a wave of love :)
This sense was as much of a knowing as a "feeling" in my body reverberating through my entire self. At times it has meant tears of joy without reason or rhyme, shaking me even if I have tried to keep it together.
This is all still going on BUT it has begun to segment into a new paradigm for "me". The best way I can communicate the state "I" am in is to say; The world as a story, as a dynamic progression of cyclic history is no longer something external or firm that I am a part of. The world is acting me, "I" am not separate from the world and the world not from "me", the "me" and "I" is simply the world telling a part of a story, always changing always finding new ways to "learn" more about itself. Love expresses itself in endless forms, Suffering expressing itself in endless forms; A story, telling itself a story.