Ever since I can remember, I never have had a true, real or long-lasting friendship. I mean, I think I'm an "okay" individual. I have my fault's, problem's, issue's & I feel nothing like anyone else doesn't have. I used to try extremely hard to keep someone around. I learned, the extremely hard way(s) that I was foolish for that. Next would be trying to keep my "excitement contained" when someone actually wanted to do something with me. That however was shortly lived, by my "overly attaching" myself to them, their life or their family. I became too involved in thing's that (truly) didn't pertain to me or really wasn't something I should have stuck my nose into.
I'm much older now & still "desire the friendship aspect" of a relationship. Then, I thought
I found a friend. She was my age, I'd bumped into her a few times at the gas station she worked at & she asked me something (unable to recall right now) & then we just started hanging out. I was truly happy, that I had finally be able to "connect" with someone, because usually female's & myself don't get along. It was actually nice being invited over for someone's birthday for a change. It was nice to be asked IF I just wanted to go for coffee, though I'm not a coffee drinker, sit & catch up at time's. I think I ended up letting my guard(s) down a bit & that's not happened in ages.
However, that lesson, letting down my guard, taught me something new. I ended up learning that I was only (what I refer to as) a "rebound" for thing's going on within her life. Her long time boyfriend, wasn't going to or didn't want to get married. She ended up moving out & she didn't keep in contact with me. Then, almost 1 year later, she "pops up" again & needs my help to help her move out of where she's been at, with some guy she moved in with. Needless to say, she needed my help her move back to her parent's house & I did help her the best way(s) I could. After she did that, she was more "available" for just talking/hanging out whenever she wasn't working; which was a lot. I thought that I had found a friend, in which I could talk to, she confided much with me & that I thought she could be a (real) life long friend.
I thought that she was really trying to make our friendship work, but I was being misled without even knowing I was. One day, she wasn't at work when I had stopped in to grab something. There was one female, before I was going to start walking, asked me to come over by her (she was on break smoking) & told me some thing's that I didn't realize about who I was friend's with. What she told me, really made me stop, think & realize how much the wool had been tossed over my eye's. I truly thought I was being extremely cautious with her. I had found out some thing's that I wasn't seeing; full picture. She went on, to further explain to me, that she does this to everyone that she knows. That she "butter's up to them" & then she talks trash about them, their lives, or whatever she knows, then starts to ignore them. At first, truly, I didn't know what to think? I started walking & then the thought of maybe something happened with those two people & this was her way of "cutting" other people out, so that they wouldn't hang around her. There's many thing's I could have thought, but I just decided to let thing's "fall where they may" kind of attitude. She always was telling me, what a good, honest, caring friend I was. That she would never (again) just "leave me out to dry" when thing's were going on within her life. That she would attempt to at least, once a week, keep in contact with me & try to hang out once a month. All of that was more than acceptable to me, knowing what crazy hours she worked & the amount of time's she was being called in to work.
As time goes on, as it always does, I did learn that I was wrong. She didn't keep in contact with me, as I found out she had moved in (yet again) with her high school sweetheart. They (long story shortened here) ended up getting married. I have to stay, as I thought about how much she said we were friend's that I wasn't invited (at all) to the wedding. I have to say, that one really took a HUGE chunk out of my heart. She ended up running into me, sometime down the road. I told her that I heard that she was getting married & that it was going to be soon. She said that was true & asked me IF I wanted to come? I thought, since SHE inquired with me & not the other way around, that I would accept her invitation. Needless to say, I did get the invite, one week later to her wedding.
I will tell you this though. I never bothered to go. I was SO hurt by her, I couldn't force myself to go to it. I didn't make it to her wedding. Part of me, was sad, because I wanted to, but the other half of me, was full of pain, hurt & constantly be let down by her; for many year's. That part seem to "win the battle" of not attending.
People that have true, honest & real friend's don't know or maybe understand what a real blessing they are. Even to this day I refuse to have any more friend's within my life. I've learned that they are not worth the pain(s) I (personally) endure when they place or put me on ignore. I know I'm not the greatest of a friend, because there's much I don't have. I do have, a heart that feels, ear's that can listen, & I have wisdom/experience on a lot of situations that I've (personally) endured within life. None of them seem to "count" when it comes to having a friend. It's only what they're looking for, whatever it is at that particular time/moment that's important to that individual, not what is important to the other individual. That's my thoughts/opinions/experience.