I keep making same mistakes. Co-dependent cycle.
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I keep making same mistakes. Co-dependent cycle.

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Old 01-05-18, 10:53 AM   #1
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Default I keep making same mistakes. Co-dependent cycle.

I was doing some serious research. And denial after denial, I confirmed to myself, that I was precisely groomed by my narcissistic mother into a co-dependent people pleaser.

Because I seriously lack self-confidence and constantly doubt myself, I am naturally attracted to more confident, outgoing people, who are most of the time are very much narcissistic.

I look back and what I see is I go from narcissist to narcissist, hoping to do enough and be enough to finally be loved and cared for, but end up feeling used, abused and taken advantage of.

It's a long story and I am going to get a therapist as soon as I get some income, because this is crippling all of my relationships. I am just not able and don't know how to request reciprocation from people, I just hope that somehow they will understand themselves and it doesn't happen.
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Old 01-05-18, 11:10 AM   #2
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So I had this "friend", she was just online friend until a couple years ago.

Last year I visited her, we spent New Years together. She is very confident, personable, loud, outgoing person. I felt we made a good combination. But also after serious life experience, Ive noticed some things were very off.

For example, before going out to a club, we discussed some make up and I told her about my favorite lipstick, that my other friend picked for me and how it is a perfect color and I always wear it, I even showed it to her. Since we still were drinking and I had to brush my teeth, I didn't put it on.

The time we had to leave and I was going to put my lipstick on, I couldn't find it anywhere. She assured me, it wasn't a big deal, I will definitely find it somewhere, but at this time I could use any of hers.

The next day she found my lipstick in her purse. I was shocked how it got there, she said probably because I was drunk, I confused the purses and put it in hers. Then I thought to myself, when we were at the bar, paying for drinks, how she didn't it see it there (it's a tiny purse, that doesn't look anything like mine).

I just made a note, but decided not to make a big deal out of it.

Then she took some photos and videos, where I was kinda drunk and not looking very presentable and sent it to me. I asked her, why would she do such videos in the first place, she said just for fun and she won't show it to anyone.

Then when she was visiting me, my roommate got flowers delivered form a guy. So this girl (the visitor) took a picture of the flowers and put it on snapchat as if someone sent it to her. That was really odd.

When I was picking her up from work (because she was my guest, I tried to accommodate her as much as I could), couple times she deliberately (I can't prove that of course) was waiting for me at the wrong spot, one time I almost got ticket and the other time they threatened to tow my car.

I was thinking, why in the world would she do that.

Recently I shared with her that my ex husband is begging me to come back and showed his email, where he is begging me to unblock him. She took a pic of that email, erased my name and put it on her social media as if someone sent it to her.

She made some comments in front of other people, insinuating I was a whore.

When we were celebrating New Years this time and everybody was drinking, she got angry I was talking to a guy, came and told the guy that I was a whore. She was also smoking a cigarette and I asked her to be careful and not burn anything (probably gave her an idea). The next day I see 2 huge wholes in my dress from a cigarette.

The last time, she openly disrespected me, ignored me, called me names, because the guy from night before texted me, not her. At this point I had enough. I left, went to hotel, packed my bags and left.

Now she is texting me, that I need to pay half for her hotel stay, and for gas back and forth. I told her, she needs to pay for my dress and I am not paying for hotel if I didn't stay there after the first night. She threatened, that she would text the mutual friends and tell everybody, that I owe her money.

How would you handle this?

It's absolutely my mistake for even going back to her after all those odd things I noticed last year. But what should I do now?

She has been gathering provocative stuff about me and now threatens to broadcast and put my name in the dirt. I sent her the money, that I thought I owed for the first night of hotel and expenses to get there. I think she will try to hurt me regardless.

Should I retaliate? Should I take measures before she even attempts to hurt me? Should I leave it?
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The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-06-18, 09:05 AM   #3
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If you detect a WHIFF of negativity from people, cut them out of your life. Very few people should not be capable of being cut, if any. I wouldn't involve myself in ANY drama. This girl sounds very calculating. There's no such thing as justice in daily life, so you may get more than you bargained for. What if you go in your bank account and your money is mysteriously all gone? Or your identity is stolen? Or the drunken video is posted online?

I knew someone who was a sociopath. He sent me texts where he offered someone 25K to have me off'd just because we got in an argument and I insulted his wife. Then he said he was just trying to scare me. But I never went back. He was friends with a girl who routinely ruins lives. She had a disagreement with this guy who was working on his Masters Degree and had a promising future. He almost got deported and now couch surfs.

I would stay far away from her.
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Old 01-06-18, 10:18 AM   #4
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Sensual Girl, you are absolutely right! I guess it's my needy co-dependent people pleasing nature that keeps attracting those psychopaths. I am working on it.

And yes, I tried to step back and take a look at the situation from a side and what I see is that no one believes me or understands the depth of the situation, may be except for my mom and one friend. Others say "may be it wasn't her", "she has never said a bad word about you", "you are dramatizing", "you are exaggerating", "you all were drunk, drunk people make mistakes" and etc....

There is NO WAY I can prove her malicious intent. Because she is nice and sweet unless in the outburst. Even with me, she burnt my dress and the next day she was smiling and laughing with me as if we are friends forever, until that text message came. Even then she waited out, so it won't be obvious to others.

I had that off feeling for the whole time being with her. I felt like I could never relax and had to be always on the look out, trying to calculate first what she is calculating to do to hurt me.

I try to find logic and explanation. But there is only one: some people are really sick, regardless that they can function like everybody else.

I keep seeing some random accounts popping on my social media since yesterday. I took some measures and closed everything to private and blocked her everywhere I could thinks of, I also blocked her 2 friends, that don't seem to be smart at all or have whatever reasons to hang on to her.

Tell you the truth, I am a bit concerned of what she might try to do. Living in her house for a week, I saw how her brain is constantly processing and thinking of what she can do or say or manipulate to make herself look good and others feel bad (surprisingly she was open about it as if it's a norm).
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-07-18, 01:35 AM   #5
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I too used to be a people pleaser and gravitated towards jerks, so I can relate. Now I've done a 180 and am almost 100% selfish. I like people and give them the benefit of the doubt. But I don't see the point of helping most of them.
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Old 01-12-18, 09:39 PM   #6
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I am getting there too hopefully....

In this last job, one thing I am proud of. As much as they pissed me off, at least this time when I felt something off, bad energy or strange looks, I just walked away, like completely, didn't even talk to the person out of being polite (unless work necessary). Didn't give a sh't basically: you gave me a weird look or I felt like you said something behind my back - you are out, done, no politeness, no second chances.
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 01-12-18, 11:45 PM   #7
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That's great!
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Old 01-13-18, 04:59 AM   #8
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@in search..i do think it's the right thing you did in that given situation...in my life i encountered lots of people=so called friends,but in difficult times they turn their back on you==hypocrisy rules then,in the early 70's i had long hair,beard,and raggy clothes because i was different,in my village i got dirty looks,backslander,gossip,
and bullying because of that fact,i tried to ignore it but i did feel it in a way,years later i appeared in an article in 2 local newspapers because i hitchiked 80.000kilometers and went twice overland to India,i encountered the same dude who called me a scumbag and a good for nothing years before,he came to shake my hands to congratulate me,i shook hands with him but in fact it was the most un-natural handshake i ever gave in my life...i do not like people who keep themselves distant and hide things,they are fake folks which i rather do not like to meet..nowadays this world is full of them...bad energy reflects not only in words or attitudes,but also in behaviour..some people wanna keep up the good faith because society very often brings it up on them and then they act accordingly,false politeness,friendship..it happens a lot on the workforce and it's probably greed,jealousy,vanity etc...in that case the best thing to do is totally ignore that person,the same with bullies,if one can ignore them they feel little because they prey on the weaknesses of their victims..they will try to find another victim if ignored..well done,in search..You're a straightforward chick..
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Old 01-14-18, 11:49 PM   #9
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Hey, hope you are doing good today. :)

Let me give my 2 cents.

Quote:
How would you handle this?

It's absolutely my mistake for even going back to her after all those odd things I noticed last year. But what should I do now?

She has been gathering provocative stuff about me and now threatens to broadcast and put my name in the dirt. I sent her the money, that I thought I owed for the first night of hotel and expenses to get there. I think she will try to hurt me regardless.

Should I retaliate? Should I take measures before she even attempts to hurt me? Should I leave it?
You have been in emotionally abusive relationships with this person.
It your responsibility to show others your personal boundaries and that you don't want be abused and want be treated with respect, i did not hear it in this situation.
For example i think lipstick accident should be already very big warning sign and it was first instance you showed this person that you can be emotionally abused (someone can take your stuff without allowance and you will not make big deal out of it) and you will not take stand and show her your boundaries to protect yourself. Like confronting her more and actually saying you think she lied and taken your stuff without her knowing and you are not ok with it.

Quote:
Then she took some photos and videos, where I was kinda drunk and not looking very presentable and sent it to me. I asked her, why would she do such videos in the first place, she said just for fun and she won't show it to anyone.
This is another warning sign and situation what should not happen in healthy relationship.

Quote:
Then when she was visiting me, my roommate got flowers delivered form a guy. So this girl (the visitor) took a picture of the flowers and put it on snapchat as if someone sent it to her. That was really odd.
It odd, but should be warning sign for this person. It shows that this person don't care about lies to others.

Quote:
When I was picking her up from work (because she was my guest, I tried to accommodate her as much as I could), couple times she deliberately (I can't prove that of course) was waiting for me at the wrong spot, one time I almost got ticket and the other time they threatened to tow my car.
Another potentially emotionally abusive situation and no boundaries from you.

Quote:
Recently I shared with her that my ex husband is begging me to come back and showed his email, where he is begging me to unblock him. She took a pic of that email, erased my name and put it on her social media as if someone sent it to her.
Another situation where you did not showed her boundaries and she will know in future she can do it again. I guess in flower case it questionable if she have some right to take photo of them and share it (i would say no) but here it your personal communication with someone and she take it and post it without asking you.
She feels comfortable enough that you will not stand up and be angry with her and express you are not ok with what she is doing.

Quote:
She made some comments in front of other people, insinuating I was a whore.
I don't think i even need say here that it is purely emotional abuse, but now this abusive person is comfortable enough that you will not protect yourself that she just abuse you front of other persons.

I don't think i need show other warning signs and where they are emotional abusive situation.

I have been emotionally abused myself for long time and did not take a stand and did not have boundaries.
In my opinion:
First, i think best is cut ties with this person and she have already learned how she can abuse you and she will continue do it.
Then you need stick with people who respect you and learn from this situation and where warning signs been and learn to show people that you can't be abused.

I am very happy to hear that you are going to therapist and that you have new self-knowledge about relationship patterns in your life. I feel it might be good opportunity for you to grow as person and learn new skills to have better relationships.
Talking with therapist is lot differently then with friend as therapist is trained to listen very carefully and trained to help you see negative patterns in your life and relationships what you was not aware of and can help you find better healthier way to cope with them.

Quote:
I confirmed to myself, that I was precisely groomed by my narcissistic mother into a co-dependent people pleaser.
Let me ask you this question - are you angry on your mother about this?
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