I opened FB today and went to my ex friend's pages. I was thinking to myself that I will get upset and I should not do that, but I still did it and ruined my day.
I saw their pictures with their new friends and happy times together. Once more I was reminded that I am not needed there and they forgot that I even exist.
There were times when I didn't have a day without one of them calling me. For over a year I spent countless hours on the phone with one of them, when she was moving to her bf, then she had fights with him, then she was breaking up with him, then moving out and getting back together and etc. She would call me as early as 8.30 in the morning, because she knew I was always there for her. When I went on vacation for a month and couldn't be on the phone everyday, she texted me that she is missing me so much, she can't wait for me to come back. And I wasn't just free ears, I helped her with things she needed to open her little booth in the other state, I sent her copies of some of my personal paperwork, so she could do hers.
It was just a season for our "friendship", I was just a stepping stone for her at that time. Later her situation improved, I was not invited or was not a part of whatever she was doing. As soon as her situation changed, she seemed to be more and more irritated with me, with whatever I said or however I looked or whatever I did.
She met more new people, and eventually I was not welcome to their company, she looked at me with despise and as if I was not worthy her time.
Her friend, the other girl, did the same. When I was married, I lived with my ex on the second floor in the apt building and they lived on the first, I would see them sometimes at the parking lot and barely get "hi" from them. Until one day the first one moved out and the second one had a fight with the rest of the girls and they wanted her out too. When she saw me on the parking lot next time, she came to speak to me and told me how lonely she was and she looked lost.
I never denied her my time.
Now both of them got new friends (people that are more successful and useful) none of them called me even once in the last 8 months. Not for my birthday, not for holidays, not even to check on me if I was still alive (one of them knew that I was battling depression).
I look at their happy faces on the pictures and I don't know what I feel. Anger, sadness, regrets, hate...I regret all my time that I spent for them, thinking that this relationship will work both ways, that when I need them one day, I will be able to count on them as my friends. They gave me false idea, that I am not alone and then broke it into pieces and it is even worse than if I knew from the beginning that I am alone, then I would not be disappointed and broken as I am now.
I am deeply hurt that my trust was broken one more time, that I was used and thrown out.
And the saddest part is that I told them about it, 8 months ago, I reminded them, how I was always there for both of them, how once they were in my lonely shoes and I was there to support and love them.
I know I need to let this go, because I am the only person who is hurting from all of this.