"I'd rather be alone than to be with people who makes me feel more alone."
- random quote I got from the internet.
I just had my Birthday three weeks ago. Nobody greeted me aside from my parents and my grand mom who almost forgot despite seeing me in the morning. Though she remembered after seeing a cake on the table. (¬_¬)
A week before my birthday, I had a selfish thought. I am getting older and I am tired of "playing friends" anymore so I decided to deactivate my facebook account. I don't add people in facebook whom I don't know in real life so all of them are either my relatives, classmates, professors, or so called "friends" and "best friends". I wanted to see whether they, especially my best friends, truly think of me as someone special. If they really are my best friends, they should remember my birthday without social media.
On my birthday, one of my "best friend" called me. It was 7am in the morning and I was still sleeping. I answered the call expecting that she'll greet me or sing me a birthday song but she didn't. She asked me if I could go to school to help her with something. I agreed. We met but she did not remember. My other "best friend" did not remember as well. We three were best friends for almost 4 years.
Deep inside me I always knew I don't belong on their circle. I lied to myself because I don't want people to think that I'm alone. Their presence were too bright for me. Both of them were campus crushes. One of them is even a magazine model and I remember cheering and shouting to my throat on every pageant that she enters. On the other hand, I am ugly as f*ck and a nerd. I am the shadow of the group. But I did not mind for I blindly believe that our friendship is genuine.
Back to the birthday, what hurt me the most is that when my parents asked me if my friends already greeted me. And I forced myself to smile and lie "yes". I bought classmates on our house before just to not make my parents worry about me having no friends. I'm afraid that everyone will found out that I'm alone. That those smile I put on my lips everyday were just cosmetics.
Guess I'll have to start facing reality from now on. I'm getting tired already. It also hurts when people say how lucky I am to have those two. Yet they didn't know that it's very one-sided. I do everything they ask me, making sure that they passed on every subject, sleeping late just to make them notes, giving expensive gifts, letting them copy my homeworks, covering them everytime they cut classes, treating them when they are short on allowance. When they hang out I'm never invited. When we have a meeting (school related stuff), they always make me wait 1-2hrs. But there's no other option. Nobody would want to be friends with a joke like me.
I'm really such a fool and a selfish person. I thought I already turned my heart into stone but I guess that too was a lie. I was completely fine being alone until I met those two. I was completely fine eating alone on my own until I met those two.
I'm so sad, I wish I was not born :'>
There's nothing good in this world.