I know everyone says sharing your thought and feelings is one of the way to alleviate emotional pain, but I've found that sharing my feelings has never made me feel better in any way. I've thought a lot about it and I guess this stems form how negatively my parents always reacted to me being upset. I'd say generally, as a child, your first instinct for comfort at times where it is lacking is to seek it out from your parents. My parents struggled (still do) with a lot of emotional baggage of their own. They grew up in a war and became refugees at a young age. I don't think they ever learned how to get over their own emotional pain, so they never did a good job of helping me out as a kid. Any unhappy emotion shown from me was met with real anger. I was told to either stop being upset, or to at least stop being upset in front of them.
As I grew up, I felt more alone from how much I was keeping in. I couldn't express the excruciating mental pain I was struggling with, which only heightened in intensity the more I bottled them in. So I started going to a college counselor for therapy, and eventually started talking to friends and family in similar situations. I never liked it, and still find myself unable to share the loneliness and sadness inside me.
I have many social media accounts, but I'm just a lurker. I never post things. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Vine, whatever it was: I was an observer and never an expresser.
So this is me trying something new: I'm tired. Tired of the pain, tired of the loneliness, tired of my craving to just crawl into a coffin and rot in a grave. This is me expressing how terrible I feel that my mother just told me how worthless I am to her. How I can never do anything for her and everything I have done so far in my 23 years of life has never been enough. How she acknowledges that she's been a terrible mother and that she frankly does not care. How she doesn't care about the apologies I have given her for my actions that lead to her reaction. How my father never speaks to me unless it's about me doing something wrong; about how I shouldn't do this or that. How my parents will apologize first for any argument they had with any of my other siblings, but they wont even look, let alone speak, to me until I tell them how I messed up.
Like I said, I'm 23. I'm not a child jealous of any attention my siblings receive from our parents. Also like I said, I'm an observer. I see how the difference in my parents' actions towards my siblings. It's not something I would describe as jealous, because I always feel happy that they don't experience the situations I'm always put in. I've come to the conclusion more than once that perhaps I really am the problem here. If my parents have different ways of reacting to confrontation, and their reaction is worse to me than my other 3 siblings, then there is something wrong that I am doing that they aren't.
At this point, I don't care if anyone reads any of my words here, but I'm doing what everyone keeps telling me to do:
I'm so so so tired, and I don't know how to fix it. And that is how I feel.