My parents love their hatred more than they love me
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My parents love their hatred more than they love me

This is a discussion on My parents love their hatred more than they love me within the Family Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I need advice. My first memories are of fighting. I was four years old, maybe, and I was walking down ...

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Old 11-26-13, 02:18 AM   #1
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Angry My parents love their hatred more than they love me

I need advice.

My first memories are of fighting. I was four years old, maybe, and I was walking down the stairs when a plate flew over my head and crashed into a wall behind me. That's one of my earliest memories. Everything from that point isn't great.

So, here's the backstory. My mom and my dad are each other's second relationship. They were both married before hand to different people and each had children with that person. My dad had two adopted children, and my mom had four children with her husband in Asia. My mom left Asia after her husband cheated on her and came to work as a nurse in the US, leaving her four children behind with an angry husband. She left for eight years, and in that time, she met my father and had two children with him. My brother and I. She brought her children over from Asia and they were met with a strange man and two siblings they never knew about. I can only imagine their anger. Well, I can, because they took it out on my brother and I. They destroyed my parents relationship by telling lies about my father, and in turn, destroyed my childhood.

My parents always fought when I was a kid. I would sit at the top of the stairs and cry because I hated the sound of it. Sometimes it got really bad. They would drag my brother and I into the fights all the time, and would say things along the lines of "choose". Three times I was dragged away from my home because my parents decided to split up only to get back together. All they did was fight, call me names, leave me in the company of my half-siblings who resented and hated me. They left me by myself and no one gave a damn about me.

Countless times my mother told me I wasn't her daughter because I defended my dad, countless times I was berated, countless times I was hit when they were looking for an outlet for their anger. They would tell me all kinds of things that a parent should never tell their child - like, your mother doesn't love you, or your father is a criminal. No one fucking cared about my brother and I. GOD. Just thinking about it makes me so angry. HOW DARE THEY! HOW DARE THEY POLLUTE MY CHILDHOOD WITH THAT! I was just a kid. I deserved to be happy and told that I was loved instead of being brought in when it was convenient. And when I was fifteen and told them I wanted to die, they just said it was a phase. Damn them. I lived through hell for the next three years because my parents just didn't care about anything other than themselves.

That was a long time ago, now, but it continued all the way until I graduated from high school. I'm now twenty years old and a college student, and I like to think I move on. I moved three hours away from home just so I wouldn't be near my family. They call sometimes, more often than not to complain about each other. It's usually just me calling them because I really do love my parents. But the thing is they don't fucking love me.

It really sucks because they put me through so much, but won't even acknowledge their wrong doings. All I want to do is shake them, yell at them, make them feel the pain that they made me feel. It's because of them that I will never marry. I could never trust another person with my feelings or with my children. No, never.

Sorry for the vent session. But anyways, I'm going back for Thanksgiving and I just have all this anger in me. I feel as if I go then I'll just explode on my entire family. What should I do?
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Old 11-26-13, 08:06 AM   #2
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You don't have to apologize for the vent session. That's what we're here for.

I come from a broken home too. My dad was an alcoholic who cheated on my mom, getting two women pregnant several times, and who tried to beat my mom right in front of me. I find myself saying I'm glad he's dead. When he died I didn't cry. I don't consider my half siblings real siblings. I've moved on and my mom and I are very close.

But I'm not looking forward to thxgvg either. I have to spend it with an explosive aunt who threatened to slap me twice. I wanted to spend it with my main squeeze but my mom talked me out of it.

So I plan to just hang out with the people I'm close to like my sister and my little cousin. It's just one night. I will just deal with them in small doses. I would just grin and bear it. Then you get to celebrate the fact that you no longer live with them.
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Old 11-26-13, 02:23 PM   #3
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I share your sentiments Rosetti because I too grew up in a severely dysfunctional family and went through some of the same things you went through like my parents making me choose who was better, talking behind each others back, all the works, heck even today they can't be in the same room together without fighting.

In the same matter I have both an immense fear as well as a deep hatred at the idea of being able to someday bringing myself to loving someone else because all that does is trigger the memories of my parents as well as of all the other people who claimed to be friends or family yet they turned their backs when we needed them.

As SensualGirl said, you don't have any need to apologize for venting. Your amongst friends here. I am not looking forward to this holiday because of the hypocrisy I will see yet again in my family but I am thankful to be a part of this online community. You could say we are a different kind of family but a family nonetheless.
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Old 11-26-13, 04:13 PM   #4
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I too am afraid to get married because I feel like my hubby would eventually turn cold and become abusive or unfaithful.

I definitely feel like this is a family. I'm close to my mom, but I'm closer to people here than my own mom. I love you all. I hate when people claim they don't talk to strangers on the net because they don't even know them. I feel like you all know me more than my actual family.
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