I don't know why the hell I was born if I was such a confused, potentially aggressive autistic child and a girl on top of that. Autism can show up horribly in females. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. I always got that vibe from family that I was such a negative and bratty child. I didn't realize how much trouble I was. I would run away and then I would hide in a corner. It looked like I was a pretty fucking selfish little cunt at that who didn't seem to want to socilize with other peers, would never share, and gladly I was a bit of a skinny runt too. laughs. Anyone could tell I would probably be really fucking worthless when I grew up. laughs. I feel I'm rather unaccomplished compared to several members of the family as an adult. Mother would often compare me to them and it has made me boil to the core. I hope she faces God with her baggage towards me when she goes. I would love for him to judge her. laughs. Maybe she can't escape it this time. It looked like I was a favorite when I was a kid because they all wanted so much to help me function, and I eventually did. But as an adult, it seemed I fell out of favor and felt more alienated as time went on. I eventually found out that at least one sibling was jealous of me and I really couldn't blame them because I got so much attention. I didn't realize this until later. It was some kind of sad story I was a fucking burden that they should have given to someone else who could handle it better. Part of me swears I wouldn't want autism to infect my family again. I realize I was a real tragedy that could have been prevented. I'm beginning to think maybe God punished this girl they got with autism when one child before her wasn't a girl Dad wanted, and that maybe Dad wasn't thankful for that boy they got. Part of me has felt there for a while as a consequence that I would have gladly died by accident because then they could have gotten that burden off their hands for once.