It sounds awful and I am deeply, deeply ashamed to say so, but here goes: I don't get her. And where she is most Asian (don't want to be more specific, sorry), she and I are the furthest apart from each other.
I seriously have become judgmental of the entire culture and downright racist towards people of my own ethnicity because I have such trouble with my mother.
The behavior that drives me up the wall, even though I am an adult with a family of my own, includes:
-constant ordering and reprimanding
-resorting to lies or manipulation to get what she wants (hiding objects from me and my husband, or from our children, secretly throwing things out and buying new ones)
-extreme identification with me ("we" were abused by her ex-husband, "we" should look into therapy, constantly buying us matching clothes)
-complete inability to listen to me
-no regard for her own feelings and therefore no agency to communicate with me about them
-huge discrepancy between 'correct', approved-of behavior in public and around others and 'incorrect' behavior in private (gossiping, swearing, belittling - it's all not so bad because no one is there to witness it, except me)
-extreme preoccupation with hygiene
-total unwillingness to communicate with my husband about anything, e.g. agreeing when and where to meet, say, for lunch in town. All of this has to go through me regardless of how busy I may be.
... and now that I've written it down, I realize this is not her culture, it's just her.
But it drives me nuts when I say something and she shrugs and says her mother was the same way and that's the way everyone does things in her country, and if I have a problem with it, then it's just a culture clash.
Is there anyone else in the same boat here?