I don't understand my immigrant mother
Take This Life  

Go Back   Take This Life > Challenges > Life's Other Challenges > Family Issues


I don't understand my immigrant mother

This is a discussion on I don't understand my immigrant mother within the Family Issues forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; It sounds awful and I am deeply, deeply ashamed to say so, but here goes: I don't get her. And ...

join us
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 12-14-19, 01:29 PM   #1
Junior Member
 
NRebeccaS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default I don't understand my immigrant mother

It sounds awful and I am deeply, deeply ashamed to say so, but here goes: I don't get her. And where she is most Asian (don't want to be more specific, sorry), she and I are the furthest apart from each other.

I seriously have become judgmental of the entire culture and downright racist towards people of my own ethnicity because I have such trouble with my mother.

The behavior that drives me up the wall, even though I am an adult with a family of my own, includes:
-constant ordering and reprimanding
-resorting to lies or manipulation to get what she wants (hiding objects from me and my husband, or from our children, secretly throwing things out and buying new ones)
-extreme identification with me ("we" were abused by her ex-husband, "we" should look into therapy, constantly buying us matching clothes)
-complete inability to listen to me
-no regard for her own feelings and therefore no agency to communicate with me about them
-huge discrepancy between 'correct', approved-of behavior in public and around others and 'incorrect' behavior in private (gossiping, swearing, belittling - it's all not so bad because no one is there to witness it, except me)
-extreme preoccupation with hygiene
-total unwillingness to communicate with my husband about anything, e.g. agreeing when and where to meet, say, for lunch in town. All of this has to go through me regardless of how busy I may be.

... and now that I've written it down, I realize this is not her culture, it's just her.

But it drives me nuts when I say something and she shrugs and says her mother was the same way and that's the way everyone does things in her country, and if I have a problem with it, then it's just a culture clash.

Is there anyone else in the same boat here?
NRebeccaS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-19, 04:31 PM   #2
Member
 
tigerlover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: i am in Europe(Belgium)
Posts: 595
My Mood:
Default

I am surprised no one replied to his posting..i can only say a culture clash can be of religious,etnical,sexual or any other reasons or backgrounds,but i am totally against such behaviour because it's nothing else then control and authority,i bet everyone has her/his own right to live a life according to her/his beliefs..if a Mom or a Dad or a family member comes inbetween to tell how things should go then i see it as a violation of personal freedom...
i am glad you came out wit this in TTL,you're not alone,let us know how it evolves further..and thanks for posting,Rebecca...we hear you...
__________________
**Clouds come floating in my life,no longer to carry rain or usher storm,but to add colour to my sunset sky**
tigerlover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-20, 02:27 PM   #3
Junior Member
 
NRebeccaS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 65
My Mood:
Default

Thank you so much tigerlover! <3 This really helped. I didn't log on to TTL for a long time, kind of a defeatist phase... So are you from a multicultural background too?
NRebeccaS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-20, 03:13 AM   #4
Member
 
tigerlover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: i am in Europe(Belgium)
Posts: 595
My Mood:
Default

No,Rebecca...but i know about etnic diverstity...i was married for 31 years to an Indian woman..she died in 2008,never had severe problems with culture,although sometimes it leads to discussions,upsets etc..I am glad you reported about your issues..thanks for that..
__________________
**Clouds come floating in my life,no longer to carry rain or usher storm,but to add colour to my sunset sky**
tigerlover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-20, 11:47 AM   #5
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 54
Default

Fix the relationship with your mother and create that inseparable bond, with her. I loved my mother and talked to her everyday. Theres nothing like a good mother, and you can make you mother good not just in everyone's eyes but also yours too.
Prycejosh1987 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:14 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.3.2