I've been posting about my approaching new job...well finally the day arrived no matter how much I was trying to stop time I couldn't. Alot of people thought my worries would be groundless but in truth it was much worse than I expected and I'm already dreading the approaching morning when the day starts again. I feel as though I am over my head and I'm drowning already, I wonder how will I ever survive working there each day.
It's a law firm and I'm just not smart enough, another girl started a week ago and she already knows more than I ever will. My mum is using emotional blackmail and says she hardly wants to live and if I quit this job she would just want to die. I can't cope, people are getting angry at me but I'm not strong enough, not brave enough, not smart enough...just plain not enough. Talking on the phone terrifies me and tomorrow I will probably have to answer the phones, how pathetic am I? Young girls can cope with this job and I can feel the stress and depression knocking me down already. I'm to be a personal assistant to this head lawyer and he scares the hell out of me, he never smiles and I can't understand a word their saying. Everything is going over my head. I feel so dumb, so stupid and inept.
I just want to run because I'm scared, I'm 35 years old and so pathetic and scared. When is this fear going to end? I can't cope anymore. I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep because then tomorrow will come. Why can't I be normal, I get so angry at myself...so angry that I just can't cope.