What is right? *possible trigger warning*
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What is right? *possible trigger warning*

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Old 04-17-09, 01:39 AM   #1
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I feel a little embarrassed posting this but I just wanted to get it out since lately it has been a large portion of my thoughts.. well, more so then usual anyway.

I guess a little background information would help, here... I am 5'6 and have a fairly small bone structure since I was born a couple months prematurely. Throughout my life I have maintained a pretty constant weight. But when my middle teenage years came around things became troublesome.

Throughout high school I was a dancer so the weight kept off naturally. I did, however, enjoy this. And after my dance practice (which lasted hours), I would even work out for an hour or so because I was never as thin as I would like. I was also never happy with my weight and how I looked.

My senior year in high school I became really immersed in this video game I bought for my pc. I would play all the time, and as a result I wouldn't eat very much and would often forget to even eat meals at all. I believe this was the basis for what followed.

Anyway, so the summer after I graduated I met my ex. I had still been playing the game for a few months and was getting increasingly more thin. I didn't really notice this, mainly because I wasn't trying to lose the weight... although, I won't lie and say I didn't like that I was getting thin.

So I met a now ex-boyfriend and we started going out and just hanging out. Since I'm nervous around people as it is, I was especially nervous around the first guy I ever dated (yep, he was my first boyfriend). Anyways, so because of the fact that I was so nervous and since I care so much what other people think... that made me eat that much less.

When we would go out I would buy a fruit cup and that would be my meal for the day. And because of the nerves, I didn't feel hungry... I just wanted to be perfect and for him to love me.

So anyway, this went on for quite some time and I watched my weight go lower and lower. The last time I had checked the scale at that time, I had weighed no more than 100 lbs.

At the moment I hadn't realized that he had questioned my weight. I always remember him saying, when we would talk about food, that he would sometimes 'make himself throw up if he got too full'.

I thought it was weird when he said it because at the time I wasn't bulimic, but I laughed and agreed with him to make him feel better about it because I felt that he was opening up to me. Now I see that he was probably trying to get me to admit that I did it myself.

Other times, he would comment on my butt, which was really fat for my taste, and he would say how much he liked it. I would look at him bewildered and wonder why he was saying that, then blush because all I saw was fat.




But now, by this time into everything, I was really trying to be thin. I would obsess over it.. after a little I started getting lighter and lighter periods; which, honestly I was happy about since I hate my period. And food was hard to eat.. sometimes a bite, even, would be too much.


Then things started getting rocky between us two, and finally we broke up.. or rather, he broke up with me. That was when the REAL hunger started. And so I ate..

Now I don't know what to think.

As I look back I realize how miserable I was. All of that made my depression so much worse.. and I obsessed about suicide just as much as I obsessed with my weight.

And now? I cannot be happy now. Or rather.. I realize now how much my weight has affected me my whole life. I have never been satisfied with how I've looked..

I cannot handle the fat, the cellulite. I have tried to look at it from different perspectives: that guys don't like stick figures, that it's cute to be chub.... but in the end I just can't accept it.

It makes me want to go straight down that path again.
I miss the bones, the tight skin, the confidence it gave me, and the control as I lost more and more weight. And I figure that I'm still suicidal and depressed as it is, so what is the worst that could happen if I try to take that path once more?

My only fear is that I hurt my boyfriend in any way.
But as it is, someone as ridiculous as me to care about my weight this much, and someone as stupid and annoying as me to be even noticed by him....... he doesn't deserve this.





And I don't really know why I'm posting this.
I think I really just wanted to get it out, I don't know, or maybe just to have someone to identify with.

I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.
I don't know what is right anymore.
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Old 04-17-09, 02:01 AM   #2
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I relate to everything you have written....I went through exactly the same thing....most of my teenage years....up to only about a year or so ago really (I'm coming close to 26 now).

my early teenage years was when it started...and it started with starving myself....I'd happily go without food quite often...and I always ALWAYS hated the way my body looked....to this day I'm still struggling.

I had the concerned bf or two....one when I got very thin...about 2 years ago...I was living with my then bf....who would make comments such as 'oh great...so now we can see your ribs from behind now too'. and when that relationship didn't work out and I moved back home...I ate....and I ate a lot. It made me feel better momentarily..until it was in my stomach....then after it was gone the guilt kicked in...an I would often be in tears for hours over that guilt.

You look back....on the people that went through it with you...and you do think "they didn't deserve this....they deserve better". You punish yourself even more.

I got into going to the gym...a lot....before work...after work...I would spend hours a night...every night...at the gym...I would do 3 classes in a row and then work out on the machines...I started doing this initially to fill in my spare time...and free myself from my 'spare time thoughts' which were usually of the suicidal nature...and this worked so well...so well that all I ever wanted to do was escape.

It's an addiction, you have to remember this. An eating disorder is an addiction....it's an addiction to control over your body. My parents almost sent me away for treatment when I moved back home...also a couple of times before that.

But you know what?....I decided to think of it in a different way...I started doing research into food...and decided to become Vegan. To this day I still think this was the best decision I've ever made in my life. It allows me control over my intake...yet I know that because I'm not eating animal flesh or dairy products...I can eat a lot more than I would usually want to allow myself to eat....I care less about the quantities of food I eat...and I know that my body is healthy.

I realise that my eating disorder is still a problem...it's probably a problem I will have for the rest of my life...but finding a healthy way to 'use it' has almost been like a savior for me.

It's funny you mention a game taking up a majority of your time...I had this exact same problem and would spend hours and hours and hours playing a specific game on the computer....they are far too addictive if you ask me!

How are things going for your currently?
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Old 04-17-09, 02:40 PM   #3
 
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*hugs*

I just wanted to let you know I relate ... I have put on weight recently and it's terrifying me. I'm trying my best to lose it healthily ... but I don't know how to do that so well. I mean, I know in theory, but in practice my head won't let me carry out the theory.

I started out differently (was severely bullied at ages eight, nine and ten for my weight, and at eleven decided food wasn't worth it ... same year depression kicked in, incidently). But I completely relate to how it feels ... how scary it is to not be that way anymore ... how easy it is to slip back into it.

*hugs*
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Old 04-18-09, 02:20 AM   #4
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Thank you two for posting.. it helps so so much to know that I'm not alone with this.

Oubie- currently I'm not doing very well.. I just wish there was some way to not get so upset about having fat on my body. Even the slightest bit makes me panic and I spiral into a depressive/suicidal episode.

But I feel so trapped about it because of the fact that even when I was skin and bones I was just as suicidal as I am now.

The amount of weight lost was never enough. And I honestly think I would just keep going until I disappeared. I have a very 'all or nothing' approach to things and I hate it.

I feel like I don't have any point at which I can stay at and just be happy about it. It's almost claustrophobic in a sense, where you just want to rip all your skin off to get away from it.

I don't even know what the problem is, honestly. I just feel so lost about it all.

I like your way of channeling the problem with healthy food. Although, my problem is not so much meat because I don't eat much of it.. but it's sweets and general binging.

To be honest, I'm never really that hungry in the sense that my stomach is growling.. it's the nerves. Anytime I think of something that is remotely stressfull I blow it up and freak out. And so I eat and, as a result, feel even more out of control, then eat some more.

Today I woke up at around 7am, got home at around 12pm from classes, passed out in my room, and then ate my first bit of food for the day at around 7pm. And I miss that empty feeling so so much, where all you can do is sit there or sleep and you're too weak to do much else.

And yes, they are addictive!

I would really like to hear a personal account with being vegan. I have toyed with the idea many times before but never really started it for some unknown reason.. do you have to take a lot of vitamins to make up for the meat?
I would really like the control so the idea souds very appealing to me... and I'm very desperate to find a way to escape from feeling like this every second of the day. I cannot deal with it on top of everything else..

Scarling - (hug) I know what you mean about not knowing how to lose it healthily. It's like you know you're supposed to eat right, exercise, and make sure you have a lot of water, etc etc. But even when you do those things, where is the stopping point?

I guess... I like results. And being 'healthy' doesn't bare many results. I need drastic changes to show that I've made any progress at all.. otherwise it seems pointless to me and I get lost.




I don't know. Even trying to think about it makes me confused.
I honestly don't know which way to turn to get over this.
Thank you two again for responding. I hope you are both having a wonderful Friday night, at least.
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Old 04-18-09, 01:13 PM   #5
 
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Most people I know who have recovered or are recovering from eating disorders and various addictions (not that you have an addiction, but the mentality of an eating disorder is similar to an addiction - a way to cope with life, and you want more and more) needed to see a therapist to truly get over it, because there's deeper issues than food (control or loss of control with it).

I know what you mean about missing that starved feeling - I even posted a thread about it, how I wanted it to take back over. It did, for a while. I still struggle to eat more than two meals a day at the moment (evidently a yoghurt for breakfast does not equate a meal), because I saw results when I was too upset (and then too poor) to eat. And I want to keep seeing them. But I know it will screw me over worse in the long run, so I'm trying to find some sort of balance ... it's very difficult.

I actually got very triggered this morning because I was sorting through my clothes and I found a bunch of "thinner" clothes ... clothes that are now probably three sizes too small ... I felt panicked at how much bigger I am now and wanted to cry because I can't fit into them any more. I mean, they were when I was at a "healthy" size, so I want to get back into them because I am not at a healthy size now ... so I'm holding on to them but I've had to put them in black bags so I don't get too triggered by them.

I'm hoping to manage a couple meals a day and exercise (but try not to overdo it, cause I'm bad at that too ... crippled myself for three days once, literally, I could not get out of bed except to hobble to the bathroom and back) and get to something healthy ... I hope I don't get too triggered when the fat falls off more than just my face and arms ...

Sorry I'm derailing this thread : ( but yeah, it's very very difficult and exhausting to be constantly fighting this battle in my head of what's right versus what I really want ...
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Old 04-18-09, 08:13 PM   #6
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I think the best part about the Vegan diet is that as long as you eat a lot of legumes (beans such as lentils, chick peas etc) you really can get the necissary amount of protein and such.

The thing people often thing about Vegans is that there's no way they can be as healthy as people who eat dairy and meat. It's COMPLETELY untrue...in actual fact (and as long as you have a HEALTHY vegan diet) you are very much more healthy than people who eat meat and diary.

I've done extensive research into Veganism because I wanted to make sure I was making a decision that would not effect my iron levels as I've always had low iron levels. What I actually found out was very surprising. Diary products are in fact....not too good for you....at all. As they say, we are supposed to have milk from our mothers as a baby...just as calfs drink from their mothers when they are young....then turn to a completely vegan diet when they are adults. Milk as well as other dairy products, contain not only mad fat, but hormones. These hormones are things the body does not need when at an adult stage...it makes us store fat easier...but it also makes us feel dependent...makes us want MORE!

As far as meat goes....ALL fat in meat is BAD for you. There is fat in ALL meat...no matter what you've heard about chicken and pork and all that crap...it's all got BAD fats in it. There have been extensive studies in meat products and how they effects us. animal fat is a fat that the body finds incredibly difficult to process...so...as a result...we store it....quite well!...When you eat a piece of meat...that fat is transfered to your blood stream...a blood test done after consumtion of animal fat will show a great deal of fat that settles above the blood...Vegans,....don't have this problem!

You probably know of things like Avocado and tofu being quite high in fat...but the best thing about this type of fat is that it is incredibly easily processed...which means there's very little chance of actually storing any of it.

When I first became Vegan...I actually started with my...well...now ex bf...this made it 100% easier because I had someone there to kind of...work with...bounce off etc. The main thing you have to remember to tell yourself is...you CAN'T eat meat and dairy....it's not a matter of 'oh the diet im on says i shouldn't' it's actually better to look at it like a intollerance to meat and dairy.

I don't know whether you're much into curries...but chickpea curries and lentil curries are absolutely divine. There's also millions of vegan recipes and vegan alternatives available...granted it means a little more searching...but it really depends on how dedictated you can be toward it :) I started as a vegan for dietary reasons....then saw some terrible youtube videos regarding cruelty to animals and some google videos describing how meat and dairy are not good for humans....and it was then 100% easier to stick to it. I can find the links for you to the vegan diet lectures....they're incredibly informative and it will definitely make you think twice about what you put into your body :)

If you want control...if you crave a level of control over your body....i couldn't recommend this more than I already have...I now create my own recipes....I make my own deserts and I honestly don't even think much of any amounts of fat in anything anymore. I fit into what I used to call my 'ano work skirt' (lol) but i don't look all unhealthy and gross like I used to.

Oh...and I still eat lollies and vegan chocolate (there actually is a white chocolate that's quite lovely) to as far as restrictions go...you'd be surprised what alternatives are out there!
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Old 04-18-09, 11:58 PM   #7
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Scarling - I don't know what I need.. but I hope it's not a therapist. I do have problems with control since I am very weak-minded, but I would kind of like to think that I can somehow do that on my own.. Yes, I'm very stubborn too. Not a good mix, I know.

Don't worry, there's no need to apologize. It feels good to relate.. ((hug))


Oubie - I've always had low iron levels too so that's really good information. And that's great advice about saying "cannot" instead of "shouldn't".. it's like you want things more when you say you 'shouldn't', but when you 'cannot' there's an extra mental block there.

That's so great that you had someone to try it with and continue. I wish I had someone like that..

I think I'm going to try it out this upcoming week, starting Monday and see how things work out. Or.. should I wait to go grocery shopping? I don't really have much non-dairy and non-meat stuff at my house.

The non-dairy should be good for me because I'm lactose intolerant.. and I always did feel more depressed and sick after I ate some type of meat. Do you think that is the hormones in it, like you were talking about?

Strawberries! We have a crap ton of strawberries at my house from this past week... Hmm, oh and bananas; I have one every morning. And I had a microwavable steam pack of green beans earlier.. I could buy more of those.

What about cereal and soy milk?
I love cereal with soy milk a lot.. I am able to continue eating that?

Mmm and maybe I can get some packs of edamame too.. those are good ^^
I'm kind of excited, but I feel like I won't be able to keep this up.
I think I need to remove all cheese from my sight. That is my breaking point... devil cheese!

Oh and one last thing.. what about nuts? I really like peanuts, walnuts, cashews, etc etc.. all types basically. Is the gargantuous amount of fat in those the 'easily digestible' kind? Or should I stay away?
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Old 04-19-09, 12:57 AM   #8
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soy milk is great!...in fact...soy milk has been proven to be better for women...as it has higher levels of estrogen...ahh I can't remember the full details of what I'd read and heard but the conclusion was that it's very good for you :)

I'd say the best time to do it would be on your next grocery shopping day...and be strong!...all the other stuff you'd usually get you should refer to as 'crap' lol...kinda helps sometimes ;)

Yeah cheese is a tough one...but (and I don't know whether you have this where you are) but there's a few variations called Tofutti...there's a cream cheese that tastes fantastic...I tried some cheese slices that i didn't like so much but there are quite a few different ones...and veggie burgers...well they're easy enough to make the patties yourself and you can experiment a lot that way...but the ones in the supermarket are also very nice :)

Nuts are essential...just as beans and such are...I tend not to eat a great deal of nuts but sometimes I'll eat a lot of almonds...roasted...mmm...but you have to remember that sometimes too much of a good thing can be bad for you...I found if i eat a lot of nuts I tend to kind of...need to go to the toilet a lot more than usual!

You'll have to read a lot of packaging...this is the best way to train yourself...every single thing you pick up at the supermarket you will now turn over and read every ingrediant in that product...it may sound a little tedius....but you start to get a feel for what you can and can't eat...and you'd be surprised at some of the things you're still able to eat!...such as peanut butter....I know for a fact that most peanut butters are fine!...obviously still double check the ingredients but I went for months thinking I couldn't eat the stuff cause i associated it with 'butter'.,...silly me...although I really don't seem to eat the fuck-tons i used to.

One of the main struggles is eating out...or so I've found...it can put a great deal of pressure on both yourself and your friends...generally my friends have been great as far as supporting my decision...We've been able to find restaurants that serve vegan meals....if not that...you can also look through the menu and generally ask for something...minus the dairy part...generally a lot of restaurants these days cater for vegitarians and vegans so you might find it to be rather easy...as long as you speak up when ur not sure what's in a certain dish :)

Here's some information on Veganism

A good Lecture regarding Diet

Another good and slightly humor filled one


grr...stupid me can't actually find the lectures I first watched that would have been so perfect to post here...how annoying!

Anyways...i hope some of this is useful information :) Sometimes I really wish I had a better brain that was able to actually remember details rather than just the main summary...lol
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