I feel a little embarrassed posting this but I just wanted to get it out since lately it has been a large portion of my thoughts.. well, more so then usual anyway.
I guess a little background information would help, here... I am 5'6 and have a fairly small bone structure since I was born a couple months prematurely. Throughout my life I have maintained a pretty constant weight. But when my middle teenage years came around things became troublesome.
Throughout high school I was a dancer so the weight kept off naturally. I did, however, enjoy this. And after my dance practice (which lasted hours), I would even work out for an hour or so because I was never as thin as I would like. I was also never happy with my weight and how I looked.
My senior year in high school I became really immersed in this video game I bought for my pc. I would play all the time, and as a result I wouldn't eat very much and would often forget to even eat meals at all. I believe this was the basis for what followed.
Anyway, so the summer after I graduated I met my ex. I had still been playing the game for a few months and was getting increasingly more thin. I didn't really notice this, mainly because I wasn't trying to lose the weight... although, I won't lie and say I didn't like that I was getting thin.
So I met a now ex-boyfriend and we started going out and just hanging out. Since I'm nervous around people as it is, I was especially nervous around the first guy I ever dated (yep, he was my first boyfriend). Anyways, so because of the fact that I was so nervous and since I care so much what other people think... that made me eat that much less.
When we would go out I would buy a fruit cup and that would be my meal for the day. And because of the nerves, I didn't feel hungry... I just wanted to be perfect and for him to love me.
So anyway, this went on for quite some time and I watched my weight go lower and lower. The last time I had checked the scale at that time, I had weighed no more than 100 lbs.
At the moment I hadn't realized that he had questioned my weight. I always remember him saying, when we would talk about food, that he would sometimes 'make himself throw up if he got too full'.
I thought it was weird when he said it because at the time I wasn't bulimic, but I laughed and agreed with him to make him feel better about it because I felt that he was opening up to me. Now I see that he was probably trying to get me to admit that I did it myself.
Other times, he would comment on my butt, which was really fat for my taste, and he would say how much he liked it. I would look at him bewildered and wonder why he was saying that, then blush because all I saw was fat.
But now, by this time into everything, I was really trying to be thin. I would obsess over it.. after a little I started getting lighter and lighter periods; which, honestly I was happy about since I hate my period. And food was hard to eat.. sometimes a bite, even, would be too much.
Then things started getting rocky between us two, and finally we broke up.. or rather, he broke up with me. That was when the REAL hunger started. And so I ate..
Now I don't know what to think.
As I look back I realize how miserable I was. All of that made my depression so much worse.. and I obsessed about suicide just as much as I obsessed with my weight.
And now? I cannot be happy now. Or rather.. I realize now how much my weight has affected me my whole life. I have never been satisfied with how I've looked..
I cannot handle the fat, the cellulite. I have tried to look at it from different perspectives: that guys don't like stick figures, that it's cute to be chub.... but in the end I just can't accept it.
It makes me want to go straight down that path again.
I miss the bones, the tight skin, the confidence it gave me, and the control as I lost more and more weight. And I figure that I'm still suicidal and depressed as it is, so what is the worst that could happen if I try to take that path once more?
My only fear is that I hurt my boyfriend in any way.
But as it is, someone as ridiculous as me to care about my weight this much, and someone as stupid and annoying as me to be even noticed by him....... he doesn't deserve this.
And I don't really know why I'm posting this.
I think I really just wanted to get it out, I don't know, or maybe just to have someone to identify with.
I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.
I don't know what is right anymore.