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There's this hope inside...

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Old 03-20-10, 05:18 AM   #1
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I'm feeling myself slipping. Manically wanting to excercise for hours, feeling it's not enough, hysterically wanting to excercise more after the weigh-in...
I just feel like I shouldn't eat, that I have to eat less, that I have to exercise more. And I don't have the energy to fight it.
Thoughts in my head "maybe if I loose 20lbs, maybe then someone could like me", "maybe if I work out more I'll be happier and feel better about myself"... Deep down I know it will never be enough. I could drop to a hundred lbs and still not feel thin. But I'd do it anyway, cause maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that I'll be a bit happy again - atleast I'll be happy when the scale shows lower and lower numbers again....
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Old 03-20-10, 08:52 AM   #2
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I don't know what you're hoping for with this post hon and if I'm lecturing or patronising then I'm sorry, but there's no hope in destroying yourself. Sorry, that isn't what you want to hear I know...

(((((((((((((((butterfly)))))))))))))
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Old 03-20-10, 10:15 AM   #3
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I don't know what I meant with this post either...
I can't remember.
Support, I guess?

Thanks for the hugs anyway ((((((((((((big bro))))))))))))
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Old 03-20-10, 10:27 AM   #4
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Hey Butterfly,

The only happiness you will achieve through this is fleeting, the only joy will pass quickly. People love you no matter what you think, your a kind caring and amazing human being, you have a place in so many hearts here. You have blinkered yourself to that, its the way it goes, and in some part of your head you have convinced yourself its your size. I wish i new the words to say that would convince you I'm right, just know we are out there and we do like and care.

Be safe
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Old 03-21-10, 04:03 PM   #5
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I guess I know you're right Today, and I thank you for the reply and support.

*vent*
Right now I'm hurting, I can't fight it as hard as anyone would like. I stoped myself from throwing up the dinner because of my poor, injured teeth but I can't keep it up. I'm hurting cause I ate, I'm feeling suicidal cause eating makes me feel useless and stupid and worthless.
I want to excercise cause:
1)It would help me get some energy back.
2) I would probably feel better

The thing is, I'm unable to excercise healthy, to have a healthy state of mind.
I get triggered when at the gym and I feel like I have to loose weight and work harder and everything... But if I don't excercise my mood goes downhill and my sleep is worse and my life gets over-all worse.

I'm stuck in the dilemma; if I don't excercice I'll feel worse and if I do my ED will prob get worse...

I could try and eat what's considered normal(about 1800 kcal) and excercise regurarely, but I know I would feel it wasn't enough and cut down my intake again... My body consumes 1800 kcal a day just living and going to school. I used to eat less than 300 and excercise away 800-1500 every day. Yes, that's very unhealthy and I still get cheastpains when under pressure.
Somehow the logic never seems to apply to me.
Everyone else should eat those 2000kcal but I could live without any!!
Right now my minds itching to schedule my workout and diet, though I know I really shouldn't. This great war is being fought and I'm sure as hell not winning. Then again my depression says; "oh fuck it, you're gonna self-destruct anyway. It doesn't matter if you starve to death, you're whole life is a huge mistake anyway, you shouldn't be alive".

I can't cope.
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Old 03-21-10, 04:15 PM   #6
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((((((((((((((((((little sis)))))))))))))))))

Sorry hon...
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Old 03-21-10, 04:55 PM   #7
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I'm sorry too....

((((((((((((((((Billy)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 03-22-10, 02:54 PM   #8
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Am talking to an old friend, we used to be stuck in ana/mia together...
But now we're both trying to get healthy. I'm glad to hear that she's changed ways of thinking and is improving.
We might start working out together and have some coffee&snack together afterwards. I'd really love that.
I'll try to excercise in the tuesday&thursday mornings cause then my time is limited cause I have to go to school afterwards, so I can max. work out for 60min. And I'll try to eat my 1800 kcal or something, breakfast, lunch&dinner + a fruit or two.
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We choose to love, but not to cease loving.
(~ Some greek philosopher)

I say; free hugs for everyone!
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Old 03-22-10, 03:05 PM   #9
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((butterfly))

I wish I had a suggestion I could offer you but I get the feeling you have tried it all. I second the comment no matter what you think about yourself people will always love you. It is not for your appearance but what is on the inside is so much greater, such an indicator of personality & strength, and you have that. Good luck to you.
-Rebecca
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Old 03-22-10, 09:06 PM   #10
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That's great to hear hon, best of luck.
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