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Screwing my life up more

This is a discussion on Screwing my life up more within the Eating Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I'm sorry. I can see my future right now. It bothers me that I can see myself alone, going to ...

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Old 07-17-12, 04:35 PM   #11
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I'm sorry.

I can see my future right now. It bothers me that I can see myself alone, going to work silent, coming home, drinking, and doing that till I fall asleep and then repeat it all until I eventually just kill myself.

I didn't really have a dinner yesterday. I had a snack and threw it up. I had a small snack later. But this morning, I had to get up really early and I had a bagel...then I had a small sandwich with a few chips for lunch. I feel like I ate too much today and now it's stressing me out. I lost about 5 pounds last week, which I was happy about. I'm hungry now...but I don't want to eat. I feel like I want to just go to sleep really early and not waste eating right before I sleep. But then I think, I can eat a little and throw it up and then sleep. I shouldn't be thinking about this so much. It's like all my energy from other self harm things is being put into this now.
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Old 07-17-12, 04:58 PM   #12
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please be careful..
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non ditelo....

che e una brava ragazza....
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Old 07-20-12, 11:54 PM   #13
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damn it...i fucked up a good day. i finally made a good day out of what was starting to be a bad day. im so thrilled with this one girl and its still a good day but i fucked it up. i didnt eat much but i had some ice cream and threw up and i threw up a little blood...now my throat hurts. its probably not a big deal but i am liking the little change in my weight so far. and im working out too so it seems good. idk i dont want to think about it now.
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Old 07-21-12, 08:50 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20depressed View Post
i threw up a little blood...now my throat hurts. its probably not a big deal..... i dont want to think about it now.
This is denial. This is absolutely a big deal, 20. You are happy with what you see on the outside... but your insides are becoming very very damaged by this. It's the "out of sight, out of mind" thing - like people who smoke. If they could see the damage to their fragile, delicate lungs - maybe they would think twice. I know these things are addicting - and you probably don't think twice about doing it now. It's becoming a habit and an addiction. It can kill you if you don't get a handle on it now. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to stop. This is the thing about addictions... we think we control them - but in reality, they control us.

I am very serious. Email your therapist and tell her. Tell your doctor. Make these people aware so they can help you. Take back control. You don't want them to find out because you're in the hospital with ulcers and an esophagus that's torn up by stomach acid... not to mention dehydration and malnutrition. You will end up in a hospital if this continues. It won't remain a secret. You need support to stop it. Please talk to your professionals.

Last edited by PrairieDawn; 07-21-12 at 08:53 AM.
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Old 07-21-12, 01:08 PM   #15
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:(

I know...it's like....in my head, I keep thinking, I'll get to where I want to be soon, so after that I'll just stop. And I feel like so many people do this for waaaay longer than I have and haven't been in the hospital, so I feel like, that point is so far away and I'll stop before that point.

I know that sounds so stupid, but it's how my head is thinking.

I really don't want to tell anyone right now because I feel like I have it under control and can stop whenever I want...I'm sorry...
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Old 07-21-12, 09:08 PM   #16
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You are throwing up blood, 20. Where is that coming from? Damage is happening, which will eventually lead you to see a doctor. You'll get to the point where you want to be, like you said - and then how will you maintain it? I don't think it just stops. 20, you know I am just very concerned about you. I can't make you stop, or get help. I have told you how I feel about it and it's all because I care. That's all I can do. I hope that you do have it under control and can stop when you want..... but I have heard those words from others whose addictions really had them believing that, but really the opposite was true. I know that you don't want to stop. The results you are seeing outweigh anything that anybody can say, I guess. That's what makes it attractive to you. And you feel in control. That's the danger of it.

I know that my words can't stop you, because this really needs a professional. I'm just very worried about this.
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Old 07-21-12, 09:14 PM   #17
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Can I make a deal with you? If I don't stop within one week, then I'll go see a doctor or email my therapist?

I know it's bad and with the really good things that's been happening, I don't want to do anything to screw that up. And I know you are really worried and I don't want to worry you. You are helping me so much, so I feel like I'm slapping you in the face...I know it's risky and I know how quickly it can go from me being in control to becoming addicted, so I'll try to stop it. I know I sound ridiculous from the other posts. I guess I'm trying to make it sound better than what it is to make me feel better about it.

I'm really sorry too. I just feel bad that I'm doing it while you are helping me so much. Is that deal okay though? And I'm pretty sure I will stop by then.
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Old 07-21-12, 09:33 PM   #18
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I think you're very smart 20. You're right - it could screw up things that are going great right now. I agree that you've been making it sound better than what it is to make yourself feel okay about it. That's denial. No more denial, okay? If I could shake your hand on this deal, I would. Deal. :)

A little worried by that last sentence though... 'pretty sure'? I know you will really try.
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Old 07-21-12, 09:42 PM   #19
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Don't be worried. I meant pretty sure as in like 99% sure I will stop. It's still in the phase where I'm in control and just like the benefits of it, so please don't worry. I'm sorry for even writing this. I don't want to make it look like all your work with me is for nothing...
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Old 07-23-12, 09:48 PM   #20
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damn it...i think i definitely have to work harder to stop it and i dont think i can keep it up much longer anyways. i think the acidity is burning my mouth. my tongue has started to bleed in little patches... :(
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