I'm not really sure where to start. For a long time I've had this inner conflict going on in regards to whether I should tell anyone about anything I'm going through. A few times I've let things slip because I just have this urge to tell someone, anyone
about something before I go crazy. But I always regret it afterward. I've thought about seeking professional help for a very long time, but I just don't know if my problems are "worthy" of it, I guess. I'll try to keep this as to-the-point as I can, but this is the first time since that I've ever told anyone straight up what's going on. So, here it goes.
I've always been the person people come to to talk or have a shoulder to cry on and I like being able to help. I like the person that most people see me as; someone who is kind, caring, happy and even hyper. I know this is me. But for as long as I can remember, it's like there is a wall that prevents me from simply being happy or satisfied with anything. I cry a lot. Usually in my room if I'm at home, and if I'm at college I have to lock myself in the bathroom for awhile because I live with 6 other girls.
I had an awful time in grade-school. Bullying, name-calling, no friends and to top it off I was a bad student as well. (I can't sit still for very long, class is hell for me.) Many times I refused to get out of the car when my mom took me to school in the morning and I would miss the bus on purpose in the afternoon so my mom would pick me up and I wouldn't get picked on. My parents called the school to try and get them to do something, and their response was "maybe she should handle it herself." So I continued to put up with it until it slowed down a bit in high school and I graduated. (I consider myself very lucky that I did meet my best friends in high school and we're still friends to this day.)
But these feelings of depression haven't gone away, even now that I'm 20. I can hide them from most people, but I can't hide everything from my parents. My mom has said to me before that it's the "artist personality". But she has also asked me if I "needed help" during some of my worst moments. I should've told her yes, but I always end up saying "I don't know." I don't understand why I feel this way. I've been blessed with so many good people and such good parents that it's ridiculous, and I think that might be the reason why I don't want them to see this side of me. I don't want my parents to think it's their fault and I don't want anyone to think of me this way either. I want to love and be loved and if they know what goes on inside my head, it could ruin everything.
I've never cut myself, but I've stood there with a razor in my hand and thought about it. I just wanted an outlet that wasn't lying in my bed crying or hitting my head against a wall. One thing I do have a problem with though, is food. It's something that's built up over the years. I am terrified of becoming even the slightest bit overweight, and I guess controlling my weight is giving me that outlet that I need. I've gone through periods where I haven't eaten or eaten very little. It didn't get too bad until I was on my own at college with total control over myself. I joined aerobics and if I miss it, I get very anxious. I feel the need to walk everywhere to burn calories. If I eat anything that's fast food or not healthy, I feel paranoid. I start to fidget and run in place to burn it off. I just... want to not eat
. I feel happy when my stomach is empty and regretful if I'm full. I tell myself that I'm stupid when I eat something bad and look at thinspo for motivation. I want to either throw it up or burn it off. This is also something that's preventing me from getting help; I want to be thin. Not sickly thin, but thin.
Ironically enough, one of my closest roommates admitted to me that she "used to be" bulimic (she has healthier eating habits, but still struggles.) We have very similar trains of thoughts when it comes to food, which I noticed beforehand and it actually makes me feel... comfortable. Like I'm not paranoid. I told her that I had issues too, but not in depth. I don't want to bring this stuff back up for her.
I'm unhappy with my life. The apartment at college is stressful, and so much has happened that there's no way I can go into much detail here. But it's been a really, really rough year. My mood wavers from happy to depressed, and it's those few moments of being happy that make me think I don't need to get help. But when those depression waves hit, they hit hard and they hit often. Right now I'm going for a major in a field that I don't want to go into. I'm doing this so I'll have college experience. In all actuality I want to be a flight attendant. I want to make people happy, meet different people and travel the world. My spirit is very adventurous and being stuck in a small trailer in a small town takes its toll on my whole family. I hate it.
I'm terrified of coming back home for the summer because I want to buy my OWN food. My own organic, healthy food. I'm going to have to eat less to compensate. I'm actually very scared. If I say something, I KNOW I'll regret it. I just want someone to talk to. I want to be happy. I just want it to go away so I don't waste my life but I feel like I don't matter. There are so many people out there with bigger problems that feel the same way I do and I feel like a stupid, selfish person. Like I don't deserve help.
Easter is tomorrow and I don't want to bring my family down. I don't want these thoughts tomorrow. I love holidays and the fact that I'm feeling this way now is making me angry and frustrated. I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long, but I just really needed to let this out somewhere. I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in the Depression section, but since food is a major factor I put it here. (Just let me know if I should move it though.) Thanks for reading <3