I have started binging and purging . I know that it is bad for me , but it makes me fell like I am in control of something in my life. The thing that is strange to me is that I like the idea of being sick . I do not want people to know that I binge and purge, but I like the idea that my "friends" may notice . I want to be skinny no matter what.

Hi Miss World, I know just what you mean about wanting to be skinny and wanting friends to notice just how skinny. I'm not so obssessed about it now, but as a teenager I just loved it when friends said how slim I was and I would deny it and say I wasn't.
I also loved the idea of being sick, or being near to sickness, sort of thinking about falling ill and taking pleasure in that thought. I think for me it was a desperate need for attention without having to ask for it. I was hoping to slip quietly into falling ill while nobody noticed and then everyone would be sorry for not paying me more attention.

I was never bulimic so I can't relate to that, but I do know what it's like to abuse my body. I did it in many ways. Not eating, over-exercising and quite a few things more which I won't say because I don't want to give you any ideas.

You've got to want to get out of this cycle of getting pleasure from hurting yourself. I didn't get any professional help myself but I wish I had. I think you should try telling someone who cares about you about this and be honest and ask for help, you could lose years of your life otherwise because it absorbs you mentally and you can't concentrate on your studies or establishing friendships and relationships with others. That's what happened to me and I regret it so much. It seemed impossible back then to have spoken out and asked for help and yet now I think back and I don't understand why I didn't. Ok, I didn't have the most caring or loving environment at home, but it wasn't that bad either, and I think I could have done myself a favour and asked for help.

It made me feel in control too, but I've come to realise now that I eat healthily, lead an active lifestyle and don't purge that I'm far more in control than I was when I was making myself sick all the time (nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day). I used to fantasise about vomiting, strangly enough I still do sometimes even though I don't have a conscious desire to purge. I definitely identify with how you feel because I've been there but I promise you that my life is so much better without it. Try to do some cardio 3 or 4 times a week, avoid carbs in the evening and ensure you're getting enough calories to fuel your exercise. You will get results and it will be so much better for you in the long run (again, speaking from experience).

The cycle is ironic. While it starts off with you in control, it ends up controlling you. Everything about you.

I used to do this too, for the same reasons. I had a really good conversation with my therapst about this actually, and it really doesn't help you loose weight at all. In the end it could make you gain weight.