I'm in "recovery" as in ive gained the weight i lost back. I haven't purged in months and months, and i eat regularly. Good huh? NO. I fucking hate it. I don't want to be fat. I'm disgusting. Huge legs, wabbly stomach. Gross.

I dont want this. Ive lost my control and i want it back. Ive gone the opposite to what i was. The more depressed i get the less i eat. Now.. the more depressed i get the more i eat. Augh!!!!

Thats not so bad. I eat as well. I would probably get an eating disorder if I had the self control to stop eating. Last time I tried, within twenty minutes I snapped back to reality to realise I was halfway through a pot of a yoghurt that was marketed as "decadent".

Although my ED tendencies are probably a symptom of something larger rather than an ED in their own right, I identify with feeling like you're losing control. If I purge, I feel in control, if I don't I feel like I'll become obese or something. But what I'm trying to remember in order to stop getting any worse than I am is that actually, when I think I have control is when I'm actually losing it. I'm not in control when I purge, I'm in control when I can stop myself doing so. I'm not in control when I don't eat, I'm in control when I do. It takes more control to eat healthily and sensibly than it does to starve yourself out of compulsion and desperation. That's why I'm trying to motivate myself to get down the gym - if I'm exercising regularly I won't feel so guilty about eating and won't feel the need to purge. It's kinda different for me though, I often purge to deal with anxiety or simply for the sake of it rather than a direct result of food guilt. But anyway...

im sorry you've had an ed, i know its hard.
This past week i have hardly eaten. i weighed myself b4 i went away Im huge.
I want to be in control again. it sucks

How much do you weigh now if you don't mind me asking? How tall are you?

im a bit like this atm!
I just want to control my food again!!!!! its the most frustrating thing!!! i know how you feel. I dont know what to do with myself.
Are you finding it better?