Into bad habits....again. (will this ever end?)
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Into bad habits....again. (will this ever end?)

This is a discussion on Into bad habits....again. (will this ever end?) within the Eating Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; I've started only eating 1 meal a day. I used to do this years ago...then switched to 500 cals a ...

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Old 05-05-10, 06:49 PM   #1
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Unhappy Into bad habits....again. (will this ever end?)

I've started only eating 1 meal a day. I used to do this years ago...then switched to 500 cals a day.

I think the logic behind it (my logic I mean) is because I've injured myself and am not allowed to do lower body workouts...I've freaked out and cut my food intake down dramatically.

last night all I ate was a tablespoon of peanut butter and 2 carrots with hommus...it wouldn't have been over 500 cals...I'm not eating at work, just coffee coffee coffee...my sleep patterns are completely fucked up because im going out and seeing friends etc most nights...

I feel that pull, the pull of the ED...all I can think about is getting back to borderline anorexic because i was sure I was happier with my body then...I don't want to see all my bones...but i want to be unnaturally thin..I want to look more breakable than i already do....almost like it's punishment...easily breakable on the inside....easily breakable on the outside...

and this time the added Vegan diet means most likely I'll waste away quicker. I'm craving control....I know this...something is lacking...something is making me feel trapped in my life right now....this is what always brings on my ED's...it's control and punishment.

Please everyone, don't just tell me 'you need to eat' I do know this...I have extensive knowledge of diet and nutrition, I had to with taking on a vegan diet.

I'm not sure why I felt I needed to post this..maybe I'm just hoping someone can relate...I've been extremely secretive about my life/feelings of late and very rarely post anything to do with myself these days...kind of makes me feel vulnerable...I know I shouldn't feel that way on this forum so I'm just trying to open up a bit I guess.
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Old 05-05-10, 07:21 PM   #2
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:( Oubie (hug) I really am so sorry to hear you're struggling.

These past few weeks I have been obsessing over my weight as well. I'm 5'6" and trying hard to stay at a healthy weight of 112, and now I'm trying to build my muscle. But I'm also having tons of reminiscent thoughts. I miss the sinking stomach feeling and the bones so, so much... especially my hip bones; it used to be exhilarating to me to feel them bulging out and know I controlled it all.

Ah... :(
But we HAVE to be healthy. We have to believe we will be happy once we are at a healthy weight and body type. Don't let the thought of being extremely thin=happy consume you, literally. It IS a lie.

I've heard before that it's actually a LOSS of control when you give in to anorexia. However, it DOES take control to stay healthy. You are healthy, don't give that up because of one fall okay? Your injury will heal fast enough, if anything, bad eating habits may be slowing it down.

There is no need to punish yourself. If it helps, think of your injury as somebody else's, like a loved one. You wouldn't want that someone else to get hurt, would you? You are important and deserve to be taken care of correctly, even if you don't think so.
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Old 05-05-10, 07:28 PM   #3
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i'm glad you're opening up & posting about it, feel sad u are going thru it. i wish i could replace all those thoughts with thoughts of taking care of yourself & being healthy
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Old 05-05-10, 08:01 PM   #4
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I'm 6'0 and most likely the way I'm going I'll be under 60kg very quickly.

My stomach is already starting to go back in on itself...I never lost my protruding hip bones..but I feel awful because lately i haven't been doing any stomach exercises and I really need to...legs...well my injury is preventing working those and its killing me because that's the main area I hate the most.

Health was so important to me..I don't know why it's changed over the last week...all I can think of is not letting myself eat. I know it can be a loss of control when anorexia takes full control...but what is the difference between that and what i feel now?...both are a loss of control....either way I am unhappy.

I just need to figure out what is causing the feeling right now...I think a lifestyle change might be in order...I do want to move to a different state within the next year...not to say that will fix everything but it could help...new job...move out of home...move to a warmer climate (I hate the cold)

my job just leaves me completely unsatisfied and I'm stuck here every work day with very little to do...and no motivation for anything because of that. I feel like I'm not needed.

I'm not important to me though...i come last in my mind.
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Old 05-05-10, 08:11 PM   #5
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i'm curious, do u feel out of control because u are trying to put everyone else's needs first?
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Old 05-05-10, 08:13 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Girl View Post
i'm curious, do u feel out of control because u are trying to put everyone else's needs first?

I've always done this so it may be somewhat of a factor. I really don't know...there are so many things that I don't like about myself/my life, but I have a great family...I have great friends...something is always lacking and it's never to do with them....just something in me.
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Old 05-05-10, 08:30 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oubliette View Post
I've always done this so it may be somewhat of a factor. I really don't know...there are so many things that I don't like about myself/my life, but I have a great family...I have great friends...something is always lacking and it's never to do with them....just something in me.
I couldn't relate more.. but I try not to think about it too much. There's a fine line between denial and happiness, but I will erase it if that's what it takes for me to be happy, dammit!

I know it's hard to be positive when you feel like the ground is falling from under you, but you owe it to your great friends and family to stay healthy. If you don't have the self-love to do it for yourself just yet, do it for them. They will love you no matter what.

I often spiral out of complete control when even little things mess me up. But it is important to recognize that the thoughts you are thinking right now are not rational.

Your legs will heal, please don't worry. You haven't lost control, you are just temporarily sitting in the passenger seat and you will get right back over once you can.
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Old 05-06-10, 08:12 PM   #8
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I'm not even sure the ground is falling from under me...I just feel like I want this...and I can actually achieve it....as opposed to everything else ive wanted and can't have/do. I don't even know how to explain it...but I know it's not good for me...I just don't seem to care.

i think i had between 200-300 cals last night and that's it for the day...my metabolism will slow...ill lose muscle tone....i know all the things it causes but it doesn't seem to be stopping me

ive been running on 2-3 hours sleep every night this week...it's all a haze...
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