Hello Kay :)
I don't know your story, so have to ask, do you struggle with certain things in your life? You mentioned depression, do you feel like you have a goal in your life and you are after it.. Do you finish things and get all done, or just give up, or pull it on the side?
I ask these things, because nearly 2 years ago, I started just like you.. I don't even know how I got that idea.. anyways, I just made my goal I have to loose weight (even tho I was skinny anyway) day by day, I was on water,green tea and coffee. If I get something to eat which was really little, I would count it down and write it in my notes what exactly I ate.
Eventually after a week, I became kinda obsessed with it and I just went with the flow. Instead of eating I was feeding that goal I wrote in the notes, every single week another smaller number and everything. ..
And I didn't know why I do it... Until recently I started thinking about my life and everything all together.. And now I realize, I was replacing one thing with another, when I left alcohol I needed something else to replace it, so I just gave up on food as well.. Other thing, for which I think was the main reason why I quit eating.. I felt incredibly empty,helpless,not worth anything, because I had no goals,nothing to get attached, to put myself into it, to be good at it, to feel like I have a goal I can achieve.
I kept going with it because I realized hey I can do this, I can go days without food and I am actually not giving up on this thing, it sounds really stupid,horrible or whatever, but I was really into it. And everyday I was kinda proud of myself for not quitting it, for going further. That became my goal I can't explain it, I felt like finally I was good at something.
*I have to point out, I didn't want to loose anymore weight or become really unhealthy.
I came to this conclusion, that in my case it was all about me being good at something in my life, because everything I started I'd give up. This was the only thing I thought I am following my goal for the first time in my life, like I am fighting for something and it felt good.
Originally Posted by CrazyKay
I always push myself hard, and like testing my limits, but i'm obsessed with going further, maybe 7 or 10 days next time... just to see if I can handle it.
This really reminds me of myself, always wanting more and more days to go like that.. You really have to sit down and think about it, really, really. I figured it out just now, after year and a half because I never thought even I knew it could become a problem, I just didn't give a f. .. You are already concerned so that means something. I don't know if you could relate to my story, because maybe your reasons are not the same. But my advice is, that you should start thinking about what is the root of the main problem, so you go without eating. And probably visit doctor, if things go on the same, because it is very addictive thing. I still go through those periods