history repeats itself
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history repeats itself

This is a discussion on history repeats itself within the Eating Disorders forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; i was hospitalized for a month at 16 for bulimia and eating disorder related harm done to my body. i'm ...

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Old 09-15-10, 12:26 AM   #1
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Default history repeats itself

i was hospitalized for a month at 16 for bulimia and eating disorder related harm done to my body. i'm 21 now, and i've hardly had any real relapse problems since then - until now.

it's hard being tall and big boned. by big boned, i don't mean to say that "i'm not fat, i'm just big boned." i am fat and i am big boned. so the combination is pretty problematic. i started binging and purging again this week. it hasn't been like this for years. every time i tried to start again, i just couldn't get anything up until a few days ago. i was so proud in the moment. it was like for 60 seconds i just got this high, this adrenaline rush. i had accomplished so much by removing this sin from my body and then in a moment my accomplishment and pride turned into shame - but it is quickly addictive. but tonight, i was hardly able to purge anything and i became consumed with failure and disappointment. i feel as though i can't do anything - i can't even puke up my own food. so now i am fat, ugly and a failure.

i feel a sense of pride for starting again. this, in addition to the exercise, will surely get me on track to be thinner. my experiences should have taught me better than this. i know what the doctors say. i know what is physically healthy. i know that my mind is unhealthy. i don't care. i just need to do it. there isn't another way. this is the punishment i deserve for being a cow - a lazy, ugly pig.

and for just that moment after - i feel so rewarded. like the pain and the shame will pay off because i will be beautiful. i will not be a monstrosity. i will know what it is like again to be loved for my looks.

my journey has begun once more. i'd ask for encouragement, but i doubt i will receive that here. i just need someone to listen. i can't tell a soul, and that is what is killing me.
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Old 09-19-10, 09:18 AM   #2
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darling, this is terrible you need to speak to a doctor or something, the best way to loose weight is to just try and cut down on what you eat and exercise. if you keep being sick then it will eventually rot your teeth away and then rot your stomach away as this will come back in later life, let me know how you get on *hugs*
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Old 09-19-10, 09:19 AM   #3
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and you are not a lazy ugly pig
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Old 09-28-10, 07:15 PM   #4
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VivreSaVie you have no idea just how much this story relates to how I am feeling and acting right now and although It is not healthy...god it feels good to be able to relate to another person suffering through this at this very moment.

I used to starve myself and go on extremely low calorie diets and exercise constantly...I never used to be able to purge...until now. I started purging over the last couple of weeks or so and its getting easier (certainly not a good thing when you think you are finally having some control over it all)

I am also extremely tall and believe I'm big boned...and only ever see a fat unattractive person staring back at me in the mirror. I am hating that I can't get past this problem...I'm more so hating that its manifested in another way...a way that feels even more shameful and dirty, but now every time I eat I can feel it....sitting there...and whenever I eat I generally eat a lot...so I feel like its just sitting there....curdling in my stomach...infecting me...and all I want to do is remove it.

I know this probably isn't the kind of replying you were wanting but I guess I just wanted you to know that I am struggling through a very similar problem and hoping to be able to find a way to tackle it before it gets worse *HUGS*

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Old 09-29-10, 08:56 AM   #5
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I've struggled with purging for a little over a year now. I don't tend to binge eat so I don't think it's bulimia but it's definitely a problem. I'd managed to stop for a while but I lapsed recently. Hopefully it was just a lapse and not a relapse, I can't face going down that path again long term. I've burst blood vessels in my eyes and give myself nosebleeds from vomiting so violently in the past. A friend of my cousin's even asked him if I'd been purging because she recognised that my cheeks were puffy (she is a recovering anorexic and was hospitalised for it, so she knows a thing or two about EDs).

Thing is, I identify with a lot of what you say, the sense of release and reward is so immense. Feeling hungry is a buzz, feeling full feels disgusting. And the act itself feels cleansing. But yeah, the comedown of shame and the addictive nature of it definitely gets you in the end.

My way of dealing with it has been by trying to eat healthily (fresh fruit and veg, lean meats, complex carbs, low fat) combined with exercise (NOT over exercise). For me, as a guy, it's more about being toned rather than really thin, so I've been weight lifting too. And doing this I realised several things - firstly, this is REAL control. Purging feels like control, but it's not. Simply adopting a healthy lifestyle, once you can manage to do it, is proper control. If you're destroying yourself and you can't stop it, you're out of control. Secondly, purging all the time results in becoming undernourished, and without getting the right vitamins and minerals it will only make your depression worse, which will make you even more self-loathing and self-destructive. It's a horrible viscious cycle to be stuck in, and obviously both of us have learnt that the hard way. Moderate exercise and healthy eating will result in natural healthy weight loss - purging, starvation and over exercise will fuck up your system and bite you in the arse. Over the past 2 years I've lost about 65lbs - half of that was before I started purging, and a further 15 was after I managed to stop, and started regular cardio and weightlifting and healthy eating. The buzz I got from losing a whole stone in a natural healthy way was far superior to what I felt from losing weight by purging.

I know I know, I'm lecturing and you probably already know all this, in theory at least. But I figure, if you hear it from someone else it might make it a little harder to ignore. Do you have a doctor you can talk to about it? In any case, we both know that purging isn't the answer. Take care.
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binge, bulimia, purge, relapse

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