Food and I have had a complicated relationship for a long time. We've had love and resentment, both at the same time. I lose weight and gain weight, I starve and fast, I binge and purge, I hate me. It soon become to obvious, people noticed. I decided that I couldn't do this alone, that with depression, anxiety and insomnia already controlling my life, that I couldn't deal with an eating disorder as well, even though I aspired to be thin. I saw a doctor and she diagnosed me with bulimia at first but after counselling sessions after counselling sessions, they noticed that I had the mind set of an anorexic, along with some but not all behaviour but certainly did as someone with bulimia would do. She decided it was EDNOS and it all made so much more sense.
EDNOS, along with any eating disorder, is like a person living inside your mind and controlling you, telling you what food is wrong and right, reminding you of your discontent with yourself and forcing you to take unhealthy measures to change it. I remember that I went through a phase were I became physically ill because I had no energy what so ever, I was on holiday in a tropical climate and I had eaten, I felt bad about it and EDNOS told me to purge, so I purged and my body couldn't take it and I fell, hit my head, and cut it open. I was concussed and felt wrong for days. I did a similar thing multiple times where I would either not eat enough or anything at all, or keep purging and just pass out. But the real me wouldn't have chosen to be like that, it's the voices in my mind. I'm wanting to recover but it's so hard.