This is weird. I dare you its really weird. I have told this only to 2 people so far.
I was going to put this into Female Issue since its a female related issue but then again i wanted it to be in Dreams since its more a theory than anything else.
Alongside my phobias im transsexual person but i live in germany and i dont have been acknowledged in 14 years . Because of my phobias (theres a rule here that i will not get acknowledged then, way too complex too fit it in this post now).
Theres nothing that i want more than to be a genetic female. And nothign that i suffer more under than the fact that i am not a genetic female.
So, it started in 2001.. my online friend in 2001 confessed me she had been abused by her uncle. Another person too. My ex girl friend told me she had been abused by her father. I met 2 other people who confessed me to have been sexually abused.
And i could not believe the thought that was in my mind was "I want, too."
Since im around in german problem forums, i got my new gf there too (Why do i never get a bf? Oo)
She is the most intense case of sexual abuse i had come to deal with yet and reason why i post. I feel guilty :(
The mechanism triggered in my mind is "They are all girls. If I could tell somebody of my past.. tell that i have been abused...then it would mean im a girl. Because all abused ones are girls... YES PLEASE I WANT, it might be uncomfortable but i want to endure it aat any cost one time. I want, i wish, i yearn to be able to tell that I have endured abuse. Because then, it would mean im a girl."
I have this thought for 7 years.
I was concerned i could be gross.
My friend (Shes working with children) told me im a lovely person who suffers under her male body. Hence, i cant compare this to sexual wishes or anything since im not looking for enjoyment but a way to become a physical girl.
She said every day im totally down, trapped in my body without to get hormone treatment. she said its logical i sum it up --- only girls are being abused in my impression --- if i could tel somebody i have experienced abuse --- it would mean that i have to be a girl.
But this deteriorates into real yearns and its going where i CANT surpress it anymore.
My gf's father abused her in a violent way, hitting her if she was not willing, still i yearn myself in to the arms of this man, yearning he penetrates my nonexistant bodypart, thinking about her words "He doeesnt talk he just pushes me down on bed or table, unclothes me as far as neccessary and starts to penetrate." i think of it as romantic "please abuse me, the fulfillment of al my dreams, make me a girl."
You see, the reason to post this is that shes my gf. I cant talk with her about this. Basically i would like to sleep with her father more than with her since in my subconscious it would make me a girl which i would pay with my soul for, body parts or accept to lose a sense, after 14 years i rather want to be a blind girl than a "nothing" with functional male body, its not me.
I suffer so much under my transsexuality i wish they had aborted me. Im a girl but nobody sees it.
No guy looks at me since they dont know im a girl, and i envy my female girlfriends even about the fact they can be raped, i hate myself and i feel guilt y to have these thoughts. In orther words, where do othese thoughts come from - from being male or better from NOT being female. Ifeel guilty that something went wrong and i have become a man, if i wouod have become a girl - i would not have pervert yearns for the touch of a dirtbag who rapes females. Im losing myself over this life :(