my relationship with my mom is strained at best. i love her and i know she did the best she could. i had a twin brother who died when we were 5. he was born with craniosynostosis (we have 5 skull plates and when we are born they are all separate so our brains can grow-that's why babies have "soft spots") which means his skull plates were fused so his brain couldn't grow. he started having surgeries when he was 4 months old and they screwed up the first one by opening the bone too far so they put plates in, he rejected the plates and kept having surgeries that didn't work. he was mentally retarded and had to wear "forrest gump" leg braces to walk but he was the happiest baby she had. a week after our 5th b-day he died in the hospital from pneumonia. my dad had a girlfriend when my mom "accidentally" (?) got pregnant with me and my twin brother. well, that was in the 60's and people tried to "do the right thing" so they got married but he kept his girlfriend for the next 8 years. so my mom put up with a lot of shit and i try not to fault her too much. anyway, she gets on my nerves, bless her heart. she's just one of the most negative people i've ever talked to and i can't hardly stand to be around her. i'm not her favorite either, my younger brother is (he's perfect in her eyes). so i won't be talking to her about my deepest darkest secrets anytime soon :?
i think you're right about needing to talk about the abuse, i just turned 41 and i've kept it inside all these years and it's screaming to get out. i've been waking up and going to sleep with panic attacks, having bad dreams, etc. maybe i'll start actually having real memories of the abuse from when i was 5, who knows? i'm just glad i have you guys here :) thanks so much for listening, i really need to get it out.
peace and love,
"...so if they look into the windows of my soul all they're gonna see are my eyes staring back and not shattered glass or the broken side of me..."
In A Hole Again by Tesla from Forever More album