I was sitting and pondering if I could only google: why so many bad things happen to me in the last couple years? Did I lose my luck? Was it a spell? if someone could just tell me why.
And then it came to me. Most of them happened as a result of some serious self sabotage, as if I myself was trying to destroy me. But WHY? Why have I not done this before in this magnitude?
Because I have never fully realized, how my parents never wanted me, never cared for me, never loved me and even to this day, after I gave them chances times and times again, they show me with every possibility that I aint shit and they dont give a shit about me in the best scenario but actually dont even wish me well, they dont want me to be well, dont want me to succeed, because my mom's life turned out shitty and her jealousy and envy won't let her wish me a better life.
And to my dad I am just nothing, non existent. He abandoned me for 20 years. When I gave him a chance 6 years ago, he used it as an opportunity to use me and get something out of me (money).
I know for some people, crying over your parents not loving you when you are 34 is pathetic. But apparently I can't get over it. I tried meditation, incantations, repeating "I love myself" over and over and over...but subconsciously and now consciously I am just thinking, why don't I just die?? my world has shuttered with the thought that people who created me are willfully and consciously wishing me to fail.
In this kind of situations some people would rely on friends, who would give them some sort of love substitution. But I don't have any. Because I worked my ass of for the last 7 years, providing for my mom, spoiling her, who along the way was subtly giving me hints, that this girl or this guy is not good for me and etc.
Guess what? She is not even grateful. She keeps discounting my efforts by saying: it was just luck, you just got lucky, good circumstances and etc.
In the last 2 years I sabotaged the shit out of my life and I don't know where to start rebuilding it, considering that I work a shitty job in a very emotionally toxic environment with 170k debt hanging on my neck.