Why do things happen the way they do?
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Why do things happen the way they do?

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Old 09-22-19, 03:24 PM   #1
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I was sitting and pondering if I could only google: why so many bad things happen to me in the last couple years? Did I lose my luck? Was it a spell? if someone could just tell me why.

And then it came to me. Most of them happened as a result of some serious self sabotage, as if I myself was trying to destroy me. But WHY? Why have I not done this before in this magnitude?

Because I have never fully realized, how my parents never wanted me, never cared for me, never loved me and even to this day, after I gave them chances times and times again, they show me with every possibility that I aint shit and they dont give a shit about me in the best scenario but actually dont even wish me well, they dont want me to be well, dont want me to succeed, because my mom's life turned out shitty and her jealousy and envy won't let her wish me a better life.
And to my dad I am just nothing, non existent. He abandoned me for 20 years. When I gave him a chance 6 years ago, he used it as an opportunity to use me and get something out of me (money).

I know for some people, crying over your parents not loving you when you are 34 is pathetic. But apparently I can't get over it. I tried meditation, incantations, repeating "I love myself" over and over and over...but subconsciously and now consciously I am just thinking, why don't I just die?? my world has shuttered with the thought that people who created me are willfully and consciously wishing me to fail.

In this kind of situations some people would rely on friends, who would give them some sort of love substitution. But I don't have any. Because I worked my ass of for the last 7 years, providing for my mom, spoiling her, who along the way was subtly giving me hints, that this girl or this guy is not good for me and etc.

Guess what? She is not even grateful. She keeps discounting my efforts by saying: it was just luck, you just got lucky, good circumstances and etc.

In the last 2 years I sabotaged the shit out of my life and I don't know where to start rebuilding it, considering that I work a shitty job in a very emotionally toxic environment with 170k debt hanging on my neck.
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The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 09-22-19, 03:30 PM   #2
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Ahh a weird observation.

Last time when I talked to my mom, she gently mentioned how one of the grandkids of her ex co-worker (20 year old guy) did a suicide. And she was talking about it as if she was trying to say "it's ok to do it, sometimes it's a good solution". Couple times before that, she told me that my third cousin did a suicide as well...

She doesn't suggest it to me out openly, but I get the hints. She is so skillful at those.

Can you imagine my own mom giving me hints on killing myself as a good solution for my miserable life? How do you cope with something like that?

It's like she knows, she is probably gonna go soon (she is 71), so she wants to take me with her or before her, so she can die happy and satisfied, that she ruined my life and I will not enjoy it, cause I'd be dead.
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The essence of life is growth.

The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place. And I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You'll be a nobody. It's going to hit as hard as life. But it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward...

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Old 09-24-19, 11:31 AM   #3
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Such a mother should be left to live alone. What you are describing is an abomination. I hope you don't spend time in her company, you deserve toxin-free air.

I'm older than you, but can agree that carrying this stuff into your 30s and on is common. It took years of being very angry in my thoughts (and anytime my poor sister would listen) at a couple of family members before finally I didn't care so much. It's a relief, now.
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